Odd One Out

Gooooooodmorning! most of you will probably read this in the middle of the day when you have nothing better to do so it wont be morning for you BUT it is too early for me right now. getting up to work at 6:30 on a saturday morning is not my cup of tea. i literally had to peel my eyes open this morning. i got into the bathroom and was going to do my hair and make-up and i just could not see for the life of me. i had to rub my eyes numerous times to get some kind of vision. i probably look like a nightmare today. people will probably choose to go to the lobby instead of drive because im such a sight. HA! totally exaggerating. whatever, being here pays the bills =) can't complain!

so how was everyone's christmas??? can you believe its already over?? like seriously, what the crap. we just spent the last month or so preparing for this ohh sooo VERY important day by decorating the house with stars, mini snowmen, a large pine tree, red and white sparkly candles, AND spending hours at the psycho crazy busy mall picking out the perfect gift for EVERYONE, and overplaying "simply having a wonderful christmas time..." by Paul McCartney like a hundred times a day (btw...weirdest music video ever...my roomie and i watched it awhile ago and it is so odd). alllll this stuff done to prepare for christmas day. however....does ALL this stuff that we do so obsessively have anything to do with the true meaning of christmas?

did we prepare our hearts? did we truly celebrate the birth of our Christ just two days ago? did we rest in his peace this christmas? its worth thinking about.

i found myself sooo lost in a few things this christmas that blinded me from enjoying the true bliss of the day. for those of you who aren't familiar with my family...here is a little info so you can see where i am coming from. i am the youngest, i have two older sisters. Jana is happily married to Brent ( loves you bro!) and Jill is engaged to Todd, getting married this coming July. then there is happy lil ame...chillin. i guess my heart was really broken this christmas because i felt so out of place. christmas eve is spent with the immediate fam, but this year it was jana and brent's turn to go to his side. so it was me, mom and dad, and jill and todd at our place. wow, that was sad. where the heck is jana?? it just felt strange. and of course jill and todd are just lovey dovey birds who are twitterpated (this word is in the movie Bambi...figure it out haha) because todd was in iraq for years so they have some time to make up for. and my parents are always doing their own thing. then i just kinda sat there...trying to smile and just get through the night. feeling like the odd one out. then christmas day came and we headed to my aunts. that day it was opposite, jill and todd went to his side and jana and brent came with us. so once again, i just felt pretty much alone. for those of you who are in this position totally KNOW what this feels like (haylee...yeah does this sound familiar??). being the youngest totally has had its perks but recently it has been hard. watching my sisters start a life with someone they love and having each other to spend the holiday with. and im just chillin. so i found my heart hurting and i was honestly filled with a lot of jealousy towards them and their holiday love with their other halves.

another thing that was very difficult for me was the christmas eve church service. oh my, this was the hugest dilemma ever! so my fam always used to go to Salam Lutheran in Stillwater MN our entire lives! every christmas eve service has been there, the whole candle lit/silent night theme. its pretty nice. however, with some huge changes in my faith these past two years, i dont consider salem a home church anymore. both my sisters have kind of left that church too and go to some others when they can. i talked to my mom early christmas eve day about going to a church that could kind of meet in the middle of our faiths. something that could meet both the needs of my parents and myself. it was really important to me because my faith has become very strong and i was interested in seeking out a service that could give a different message of christmas rather then just hearing the story read right out of the bible like at salem. well let me say, that conversation did not go well. my mom got really frustrated and told me to get over it and just go to salem because its what we've always done. i got upset and tried to explain to her that it would be nice if she considered how it would feel to be me-that it matters to me to try something different this year. we actually ended up going to Shepard of the Valley...its like a contemporary lutheran church that instills the lutheran beliefs and traditions but have spiced up the worship and made the setting more contemporary. so it was kind of in the middle. thanks mom =) so we got there and took a seat in the back feeling a bit odd because we didnt know a soul. i sat by my dad....bad idea....as he was looking over the printed program he leaned over to me and said in my ear "so you know...if anyone starts to raise their hands and dance or get really into the songs when they are singing and you feel uncomfortable...you can leave" (in the most sarcastic tone ever)......then he smirked and laughed a evil little chuckle and went back to reading the program. if you dont understand what he meant....let me explain....that was my dad trying his hardest to insult my faith and look down upon me for the way i enjoy worshiping. and then LAUGHED! he made an absolutely inappropriate sarcastic comment to cut me so deep. my dad is a very old fashioned and traditional and anything else seems just ridiculous to him. my dad...my father...my protector...my everything...said that to me. insulting my faith? tears welled up in my eyes and for a few seconds i just felt so ashamed and wanted to walk out. i just started praying that God will allow me to forgive him and focus on the message. they played "Here I am to Worship" and i was so thankful, i got my mind right and hid my tears and moved on. I am a strong believer in worshipping however you want, do what makes you feel closest to God! whether that is with hymns and an organ or contemporary music with a band, whether its by yourself or with a large community, whether its praying or singing, or whatever! worship however. and i've told my dad so many times that he needs to accept the way i do things and respect my ways to worship yet time and time again, he makes comments that seriously rip my heart to pieces.

may i remind you with this verse...Psalm 150 "Praise the LORD! Praise God in His sanctuary; Praise Him in His mighty expanse. Praise Him for His mighty deeds; Praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Praise Him with trumpet sound; Praise Him with harp and lyre. Praise Him with timbrel and dancing; Praise Him with stringed instruments and pipe. Praise Him with loud cymbals; Praise Him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD!" AHHHH ISN'T THIS AWESOME?!?! God deserves our praise, and He wants it in every way, and any way! people dance for him! its just so beautiful =) so maybe i should show this to my dad. however, he is stubborn and would just turn his cheek the other way.

christmas was not feeling so great. lack of family, lack of a relationship, lack of a supportive father. i was so fed up. God is gracious and full of beauty and provided me with a phenomenal message at church. it was all about finding PEACE on christmas and how it was commanded to us to rest in his peace. it is stated "Hark! the herald angels sing, 'Glory to the newborn King; Peace on earth, and mercy mild'...." and if any of you know me well, you know i am crazy about Peace...i love to wear it and i am obsessed with peace jewelery and i love the message peace delivers. i am a very anxious person that gets stressed about everything!! so understanding God's peace and being able to rest in it is just picture-perfect for me =) this was my first christmas where i grasped the idea of letting everything go and just basking in his awesome peace. it was lovely! i sat back, i enjoyed being the black sheep of the family, and let my dad make comments all frickin day if he wanted to. christmas ended up being super relaxing! i stepped into this new way of living, being content with my current situation and being at peace. i realized im good with being the odd one out...im in no way ready for marriage and ive got some fun challenging things coming up that involves me being independent (hopefully studying abroad!!!) . im on my way to greatness, heck yeah!

I am so sorry this was the largest, most jam packed post!!! i am at work super bored with a lot on my mind. just love to share =) i hope everyone else had a fantastic christmas and is excited for the NEW YEAR!!! make any good new years resolutions?? i should run more.

ill leave you with the song of the day "another heart calls" by the all-american rejects. i used to be crazy about them back in sophomore year in hs and now they have a new cd and im crazy all over again!

peace

Bathing In Money Again...

i have completely lost the countdown...lets see here. let me check my phone. it is the 17th, so we have around 7 days until christmas!!! about a week! and i still have not purchased one gift, or made any! i have so much work to do. not even funny. it really sucks when you wait until the last minute to do christmas shopping because then you are soo frantic and antsy about getting it done that it looses the specialness and excitement of picking out specific things for loved ones. well hopefully ill get a whole day to get everything done and also have the time to make everything special for the fam!

interesting fact of the day...i have been 20 for exactly one month. boring month it has been.

welllllll i am back at work for the month! woot woot! a whole glorious month off from the late nights of studying, the long afternoons in the library writing 10 page papers, and being secluded in a box size room with someone else every day and night (i love you stephanie lindert!! no hate, just love haha) AND getting away from eating food that tastes like it was a powder and then someone added water and it turned into some kind of strange foreign something that they feed us!! so gross. my stomach is turning just thinking about floppy turkey, and generic peanut butter and jelly, and bubbling hot dishes, and tasteless dry desserts. HOME COOKED FOOD IS THE BEST!! thank you mother for chicken breats, mashed potatoes, and corn! =) but on the bla side of things....like i said....im back at work. back to being a dressed up teller working the drive through with by best buddies. i work with two amazing tellers, Gwen who is 60, and Sue who is like 50. LOVE THEM. if any of you have worked with people who are much older, you have to agree that it is so much fun. they are so silly and cute, and WISE!! there is no talking bad about each other and no weird love triangles. there is for the most part, NO GOSSIPING at work. how is that even possible?? every job ive ever had has been consumed with talking smack about everyone! so annoying. working with people my own age is good, but id choose these ladies over my age group any day!

but now that i am back at work. i am trying to remember everything i learned over the summer. idk if people realize that working at a bank is so hard! i worked at associated for a total of 4 months and i still dont know how to answer the stupid phone....yes im being serious lol and learning how to get people into their safe deposit boxes is like learning french to me. IMPOSSIBLE! so im back, and ive worked 3 days so far and its allll coming back to me =) they threw me upstairs in the lobby for a day which terribly sucked because you get all the huge transactions up there. people come in with business deposists that can be up to 10 thousand dollars....that i....have to....count....by.....hand!!! the machine that counts money doesnt do a good job so i have to do it all on my own. so thennnnnn after doing their deposits, i am stuck with 10 thousand dollars to sort out, when my drawer is only supposed to have 5 thousand in it! before i know it, there are honestly piles of money around me that i am trying to bundle and put away lol no joke straight up bathing in money. being a teller is way fun, come join the team!

im so happy to be back, back at home, back at work. *sigh* its all gravy here. work all day, then home at night. chillin. reading. hanging out with people. relaxing. its about frickin time. this past semester took forever! but good news, good news everyone! 4 out of my 5 classes posted final grades yesterday and i have three B's, and one A!! rock the freak on. so stoked. i guess slaving away at hw paid off.

well it is slow at work, im going to go back to munching on pretzels and reading the book Captivating. I highly recommend this book for women!! ive only read two chapters so far but i have a much greater understanding of being a woman and how i bear the image of God. its sweet. i also recommend men to read this to better understand women. seriously guys...do it. for us =)

anyone want to get a huge group of people together to go sledding or go to the holidazzle parade??? let me know. how fun would that be!

Happy early Birthday Christohper Knox!! i hope 20 is rockin. no more teen years.

song of the day..."breaking"-anberlin...it has no meaning to anything. just really good stuff. anberling is amazing. give em a chance =)

peace

Thanks Britney

16 days until Christmas!! woohoo!

and 2-3 days left of being at school, then break!!

i am a little shocked realizing that this semester is over. its so weird because looking back at last year, i vividly remember so much growth and so many wonderful things happening first semester. God blessed me with an incredible friendship...the friendship of the lovely kendal leigh wigdal. my soul sister. i never got so close to someone in such a short amount of time. its like i was searching for her all my life and when we met, it just fit. haha it sounds like im talking about a guy. no no no, kendal is better than silly boys. they come and go, but she has been there.

not that anyone probably cares, but this is my little story of last year. take a trip down memory lane with me =) so yes i met kendal and we were inseparable. kendal went through some of the hardest things first semester, and we cried a whole lot together. many movie nights alone in her room just talking, and praying, and crying. we enjoyed having many "freakin festivals" after mass communication on wednesdays. haha, so much fun! we had all these plans, and hopes of where us two would go together. and that no matter what, we had each other to get through the lameness of school. things took a huge turn for the worst and kendal couldn't come back for second semester. she moved far far far away to milwaukee (stephanie helped me spell that hahahaha) in the middle of no where! i still remember coming back second semester and i opened my door to my single room and looked around and just felt sick and starting sobbing knowing that she was gone and i had to face everything on my own. blaaaa, so that was tough tough tough. haha i remember saying bye to her (she came back for a few days to get her stuff and move out of nona)...i got onto the shuttle bus to go back to west campus where i was living last year, and i looked out the window and waved as she stood there on the curb crying. like really....is there a camera somewhere???? are we in a movie??? i wish. i wish it was a movie so it all wasn't real and the tears were fake. BUT it was fo sho real. and one of the hardest things ever. kendal is living in la crosse now and life is good for her, and i thank God for that. she has gone through more than i can imagine. she is a frickin awesome teller at associated bank and rocks the heck out of it. =) we are 30min apart but it feels like states away. i dont get to see her beautiful face much but somehow i survive without her. I MISS YOU KENDAL!

2nd semester started and wow was that not fun. i tried majoring in marketing and my classes such as accounting, macroeconomics, and pre-calc were just not that fabulous. lol i had no idea what was going on at all in any of those classes. i sat there with squinty eyes and would just stare at my professor wanting so badly to understand what the heck they were talking about. so weeks went on and i got used to not knowing what in the world was happening in any of my classes. on the bright side God blessed me with a lovely new friendship with the darling sarah galbrecht!! she was my neighbor and just the darn cutest thing ever. happiest, most encouraging thing ever. ahh i miss you sarah g! she fell a lot. ha. and we both talked about how psycho we are. good times =) sarah continued her college career at the very large and scary University of Minnesota in the cities. im so proud of her....shes going to graduate early! but i miss her so much...coming to my door and saying with her sweet voice "shlamey...can i come in". aww i miss you bff neighbor! 

two amazing girls....now gone. it sucks so much and i miss them more than words could express here on my blog. for how hard things have been lately, i think about them a lot...wishing they were here so i could lay my head on their shoulder and just cry. doesnt this all just really suck guys? people always leave. and that is how life will be from here on. every semester, every school year, every summer...people come in your life and then the next day they are gone. its like one minute you're laughing with someone you call your best friend and you dont want the time to stop because you're so happy...then all of a sudden they are out of your life and you can't remember the last time you heard their voice on the phone. im wondering if this is something we will all get used to? i honestly dont know how i can get used to it. why am i so sensitive??? geez, why cant i be a dude?? they seem to be just like whatever to most things. im so sick of losing people. why is it that the people we want to hold onto the most are the ones that walk away? weird how that works huh. BUT, im guessing this is life right? gotta get used to the never-ending changes of relationships and people disappearing. the ones who love me enough will never disappear...i know that. we all have those bff's (lol i really just said that, best friends forever....frick yeah) in our lives and they never leave. love you all my beefs!!! haha

so the title of my blog is "thanks Britney" because i was really thinking about the word strength and whether or not i have a lot of it. people say i am a lot stronger than i think so thats awesome. Britney Spears is someone we all know, dont lie people!!! ITS BRITNEY SPEARS!! im not a fan at all but her lyircs popped into my head "and now im stronger than yesterday" and as lame as i think all her music is and just who she portrays herself as...those lyrics brought truth to me. if you're going through the crappiest of all crapness, know that you're more than likely stronger than you were yesterday. losing friends and loved ones is tough, ive experienced it all. but im stronger than i was yesterday and that rocks. it helps me see that like a month from now, ill be uber strong! yeaaaaah....sweet =) so thanks for your lil diddy Britney. it helped. 

song of the day "tired and uninspired" by My American Heart

quote from the song to relate to my strength topic...."be strong for me and ill be strong for you" love that!!! this song is one of my favs, enjoy!

peace

God Feels

the countdown continues! 19 days until christmas!! people, we are getting close!! i cannot believe that i don't have any gifts yet and there is 19 days left, oh my. i need to get on that pronto! as soon as finals are done on thursday, i will be heading home and then heading to the stores.

I really do wish christmas was on my mind more and that i was focusing on the upcoming holiday. instead, my mind has been swamped with other things. i want so badly to be thinking about christmas cookies, and the holidazzle (sp??), playing in the snow, sipping coffee by the fireside with a Jodi Picoult book, listening to christmas carols!! but NO, this whole last week there has been a dark cloud over me and my heart. no one wants to be the depressed one around christmas time so i decided to slap a smile on and just deal. its pretty awesome to know that God doesn't want me to suffer alone and he had people left and right asking me if i was okay or needed to talk. i thought i was hiding it all so well, haha i guess not! 

I guess i am sharing all of this with you guys because i want to be able to help anyone else who could be suffering. God has really taught me to be vulnerable like his son was when he died on the cross for all our sins. in my whole life, i have never understood suffering and as christians why were endure such intense hardships that can be so painful sometimes. i learned that we have to share in our savior's sufferings to share in his glory. THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!! ahh im just so happy that that was revealed to me. i hope it makes sense to all of you too =)

when this semester started is when my suffering started as well. this semester has been rooouugghhh! i wanted to seek wisdom and guidance and understand as much as possible so i of course got into his word right away. can i just really encourage you guys to get into his word if you are lost or hurting. there are answers in there, i promise. to be dead honest, i never really read the bible my whole life until this semester and now i can't get enough. once you start, you become hooked because he will make any passage you read relate to your current problems. He really is just that powerful. rock the freak on. on the side, i wanted to read some books for inspiration and specific guidance in certain areas of my life that really frustrated me. 

book #1....Sex God by Rob Bell, which is about exploring the endless connections between sexuality and spirituality. it really helps us understand relationships, and emotions under Gods light. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING BOOK. i highly recommend this to anyone! if any of you have seen the Nooma videos of Rob Bell on youtube.com, you are in for such a treat if you read his book. 

book #2....I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, which is a book about desiring relationships that honor God. in a sense, it isn't even about dating-its about living for God. The book throws the worlds idea of dating out the window and sets up new standards for christians and how we should pursue relationships. again, AMAZING BOOK!! if you're sick of heartbreak and want to understand how God created relationships to be, read read read this book!!

anyways, i read the chapter "she ran into the girls bathroom" in the Sex God book early this morning. i want to share what i read and how encouraged i am!!

if any of you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God Feels

if any of you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God Feels

if any of you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God Feels

The cross is God's way of saying, "I know what it's like"

the cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, "Here, you take them"

our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. when we dont avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. when we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker. 

and in this connection, there's always the chance we'll find a reason to risk again. if God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

perhaps you have had your heart broken by somebody. you risked and extended and offered yourself, and they rejected and turned away and didnt return your love. 

theres something divine in your suffering. somebody divine in your pain. you know how God Feels.

why is it those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most? our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers. they probably come from an ex-boyfriend, a former friend, a roommate, a sister...ect

the danger is that you will decide it isnt worth it. why risk if its going to hurt like this? the tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

a decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. they go together.

in matters of love, its as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything-thats what makes God, God. but God cant do everything. God cant make us love him-thats our choice.

Love is risky for God too.

wow well this is the longest blog in the history of blogs! but i wanted to share a piece of the book Sex God with all of you wonderful people. i have really been seeing heartbreak around me and many young adults, girls and guys, are hurting because of broken hearts. let us be reminded that there is hope and that our wonderful Father, God, empathizes with our pain and knows how scary it is to risk, and love again. you can always love again! you can =) i really hope this touched some hurting hearts because i know reading this gave me such encouragement. healing feels goooooood! 

peace

song of the day-"decode" by paramore.......it was on the movie twilight!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Alllll The Way!

25 days until christmas!

25 days until christmas!

25 days until christmas!

hey guys, how many days until christmas??? 25!!! heehee. that is most definitely written on my white board on my dorm door, and it will be a countdown until the day of christmas, heck yes! I think this is the first year the weather worked out with holidays...for example...halloween night was absolutely gorgeous (even though i dont really participate in halloween, i was happy for all the girls here who got to wear absolutely nothing and not be freezin their booties off...so yay for them i guess lol) um the season of autumn was beautiful!!! the leaves stayed on the trees forever and didnt get blown away by the beastly winds, and most of the days were warm and i got to walk around the lakes here in "nona" A LOT! theennnn thanks giving rolled around not too long ago which rocked. can i just say that i love my two cousins sam and alex, sam is 15 and alex is 13. we played apples to apples and mad gab for hours!! unfortunately the food was not that great (yeah my mom made it, idk what happened lol, dont tell her!! usually she makes bomb food but it just didnt have that thanksgiving flavor and pizzaz!) AND there were no rolls!!!! i was sooo confused!! there was cinnamon bread but no homemade rolls or buns for later in the afternoon when you want to make lil sandwiches with the turkey and gravy. i was sad. i didnt even have leftovers the following day........not right, not right at all. ANYWAYS, the weather is what i was talking about. but the weather on thanksgiving was perfect too!! i hate when there is snow on the ground for thanksgiving, it feels too christmasyish (whaa? haha) it was perfect play football outside weather. just lovely =) the day after thanksgiving, a thought popped into my head "man it would be sweet if we got a big snowfall in the next couple of days to get us in the christmas mood faster!!" i wake up today to fresh snow! woohooo! it didnt snow a whole lot in hudson but i got back to winona today at about 4 and it was a winter wonderland!! all the trees are frosted and there is fresh white sparkly snow everywhere! i am pumed! God has blessed us with fantastic weather the past few months! love Him!

so with the new snow fall and a lot of excitement for 25 days from now, i am dedicating all my music listening to christmas music! well and some worship music because i cant get enough =) and if i get some time outside of hw and finals and crap, im going to watch christmas movies whenever i can (they have one every night on TV for the 25 days to christmas countdown, maybe ABC family??...idk check it out) ive already accomplished watching elf twice, polar express, and part of santa clause 2! and when i get home for break, oh my...cookies and cookies and more cookies will be made! anyone want to join??

im hoping to get creative this year and make gifts for all my beloved friends and rockin family. mostly because i want to do something different this year AND because i am broke as a joke. so we'll see how that goes. anyone got ideas for me??? if anyone knows me, i am not creative lol i am anti-scrapbooking to the max! anti-anything creative! not my skill. nope. so some suggestions would be lovely.

oh and id like to make a shout out to my sister Jana Kodesh who is the craziest christmas lady ever. she asked me what i wanted in like october and started decorating her place on november second....HAHA crazy! and i swear her and her hubby went ice skating like when there was only dirt, leaves, and mud on the ground...just to get into the christmas spirit? wow. gotta love em!

school is done in 2 weeks.....then christmas break! woot woot! enjoy the snow guys, get out there and throw some snowballs!

song of the day "God of this city"-Chris Tomlin

Peace

Jeremiah 29:11...Cliche Huh?

oh jeremiah 29:11...it seems that whenever us college kids are struggling with the annoying thought of what the heck we are going to do with our future, someone suggests jeremiah 29:11 to ease our frustration.

the verse is "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

ohhhhh my goodness does this verse bring me comfort! it is sorta unfortunate that this verse has become so cliche and everyone slaps this on your card for graduation. i remember glancing at that verse like over 15 times and being like "yeah, sweet, God has got a plan" but then searching to see how much aunt laurie or neighbor dave put down for the check amount. as sad as this is, you (everyone who has graduated high school) KNOW its true. all graduating kids want is money...which will probably unfortunately go to a late night feast at herbs and gerbs or a parking ticket or a new lanyard sporting their university. haha, we waste money on such stupid things!

anyways! so this awesome verse...seriously can i just say how incredibly comforting this is!! God is straight up saying..."hey so i have your whole life planned out and even better, the way i have it all planned out will rock your world and you will love it and it will bring you everything you need, and i promise that my plan wont hurt you or disappoint you like everything else in this world. and this plan i have should give you hope, this plan sets your future up. this plan will honor me and give you a future. this plan is designed for YOU, no one else. i hand made this plan perfectly to fit you and your talents and desires and it will be GREAT!"

i am so excited to see how God uses me. i want soo badly to know this whole plan he has for me and my life. if you know me well enough, i really am a chill person in the moment of things and can be spontaneous BUT i really like to know the future. i am terrified of the unknown. i always want to make sure i am safe and happy. i want to avoid difficult situations. i like to have this picture-perfect plan in my head of what my perfect future will be like. and up until this semester, i always had some sort of plan to rely on to keep me going. God took that all away this semester and left me with a blank slate for what would happen next. AHHHHHHHH!! well i had a melt down...or maybe two...or three lol. it hasn't been fun but oh my has it been eye opening!

let me be clear for a sec though...i try to keep these blogs pretty light hearted and silly but God really put this on my mind tonight and so i thought id share =)

so no plan. no plan. absolutely no plan! what the heck am i supposed to look forward to God??? then i tried to focus on just putting all my energy into plans for school, plans for my major, my education, my friends, a place next year, and just completely focusing on planning on getting comfortable in lil winona. could i say the word plan more? PLAN! ah so obnoxious! God was like oh no you dont little missy, stop making plans! so a huge plan for next year (living situation, people that id be living with) completely fell through. i was broken. so broken. once again, God took my attempted plan and threw it out the window. i started to get the hint and made a commitment to him to just surrender everything and let him do what he wants with my life. HOW REFRESHING!! a burden was definitely lifted and everything has been so much better since. it took me years to understand that this life i have...it is not mine to live. He gave me life and i am living it for him. it is not my life!! that may sound like im not free, but i am. =)

anyways, the one thing that is still really sticking with me is that fact that God is really showing me that he wants me somewhere else. winona is amazing but i dont feel like i belong here. its like i feel him pulling me somewhere else to serve him but i cant figure out where. as scary as it is, idk if school is what i should be doing either. i have no idea where my life is going, but for once i trust God and that my friends, feels great! the big question is whether i leave at semester or after this school year? that is my struggle...i thought id share to maybe get some feedback and if you are all so kind-some prayers! i feel as though fulfilling my purpose is elsewhere and i need to figure this out asap!

thanks for reading such a long blog...seriously this will not happen often. i got a journal to write this stuff in lol but it would be nice to get some support in such a life changing decision.

thanksgiving break starts in less 48 hours! can i get a woot woot!

song of the day "beautiful"-phil wickham

peace

Frickin Frick

today is one of those days where i dreaded it ever coming! stupid registration day!!!! i tossed and turned alllllll night, making myself sick just thinking about 2pm. 2pm. 2pm. how the heck did i get my registration window open at 2pm??? that is so late in the day. i had it all planned out, i would go to class from 9-12 and then just sit there and literally stare at my computer, stare at my desired schedule and hope for the best.

noon comes, i grabbed some food in the caf (yeah apparently its weird that we call it the caf here and not the cafeteria...someone who doesnt go to winona was honestly really weirded out and was grossed out because it sounds like a baby cow...wow dude get over it) and me and some friends headed back to my room. i seriously had like 3 friends there for me just for support. ha im lame. then we sit outside my room in the lounge and prepare to watch my classes disappear before my eyes! new groups of people register every half an hour so therefore i literally had to watch my classes just disappear for a whole hour before i registered.

130 comes around and my luck, random friends happen to stop by and out of no where there are like 15 people surrounding me! eating cupcakes, throwing balls or something, tackling each other....WHAT THE CRAP PEOPLE?!?! more than ever, i need peace and quiet and concentration and just to focus!! that would happen to me. seriously whenever i just want to be alone, or with a few people for something like really important, CROWDS show up and they do not leave!

anyways, i was trying to register for 5 classes so that i would have 15 credits...yada yada. with my major here, there are certain classes that i need to take! they only offer one class, one time, once a semester. are we in high school? yes, i guess so here at winona. lame. i always had these images of college in my head where there were 100's of classes and you got whatever you wanted....tralala happy place! not at all what i pictured. its like war here, everyone goes through depression of registration week. its really that miserable. so yes finally the rowdy crowd of randoms leave me alone and i frantically put together my like 4th schedule because all my first pick classes were gone. 1:55!!! it turned 1:55!!! everything was set, i was okay with the silly schedule i put together and just wanted to click the "register" button and get it over with!!

then crowd of randoms come charging back and one of the dudes starts to "choke" me!!!! GET OFF DUDE!!! do you not see i am trying to register here???? everyone fights him off me because they know the intense moment i am going through. then it turns into like a rant for me to register! everyone was screaming and yelling and all excited for the clock to turn 2. so i have around 5 people behind me cheering me on! haha, God is good...He sent me some encouragement. 1:59.....2!!!!!!!!!! i hit "register" and my computer freezes!!!! then after unfreezing, it says that all my classes have failed to register!! AHHHH! i was about to have a melt down, for real. i go back to my lil cart and reregister my classes again. doesnt work. i go back to the cart again, IT WORKED IT WORKED! so for about a good 7 minutes, i wanted to just like rip my hair out. one of those moments where your face turns bright read and you're all hot and angry and kind of want to cry. maybe even throw your computer at the wall. it was miserable!

after everything, i am okay with my spring semester. taking conflict and communication, physics-engery, professional communication skills, chemistry appreciation, and approaches to film. so i have a variety, i still might change it up. i never thought id be soo happy to NOT be a freshman. most of them have to wait until friday to register, sucky. oh the joys of being a saucy sophomore =) joy joy joy! so there was my day...well more like...there was my like 1 hour of hell! oh my goodness! hopefully everything will work out just fine.

i will leave you with a thought provoking question...

Can you describe your life with a six word sentence?

I would say mine for right now would be "I am seeking, I am finding"

ask me to know more if you would like....

peace

Am I Good At Writing?

ha, so my parents tell me i am good at writing. i highly doubt that. i find it to be easy to put something together at the last minute and add a lot of emotion to it and maybe even add some jazzy words and smooth transitions but it could never go anywhere.

anyways, so i have heard of blogging and all i have ever thought is WEIRD! haha! but then as i was facebook stalking on day (we all do it, come on now) i saw that a friend had a blog and i was interested so i checked it out and was really inspired that he found something he could just express his thoughts through. he obviously doesnt care if people really read it or get something out of it, or whatever! its something he can do for himself and if people want to read it, then sweet. so thanks for the idea friend (you know who you are) ive been looking for something like this for some time now. im excited to see what comes from blogging. haha i am a blogger!

so i am not going to waste time on using commas, or good grammar, or worrying about all the little stuff that my advanced expository writing professor would pick apart, but rather i am just going to pour my thoughts out on here for me. so its not about being a good writer, or trying to impress the small crowd out there with my thoughts related to this spiritual journey i am on, its just about expressing anything and everything! i absolutely love music and could only dream of expressing my feelings, ideas, and thoughts through lyrics along with a song on a guitar BUT until i learn how to play something or sing-i am stuck with a computer and my fingertips pouring out my thoughts. yay.

annnd lastly, my blog is called "myblackheels" because one thing about girls that is true, we love shoes! well most girls. whenever i find a pair of shoes that fit perfectly, don't cost a lot, and are absolutely gorgeous-i feel great!!! haha, i love a good pair of black heels, they go with anything! so when i get a new beautiful pair, i feel a lil happy inside, just how i am hoping to feel after blogging my thoughts that get sooo jumbled around in my head. im hoping that after i jot down a few paragraphs-ill feel that lil bit of happiness. some clarity. some relief. maybe a new outlook? who knows! so this blog is "myblackheels"-my happy place =)

Peace