Odd One Out

Gooooooodmorning! most of you will probably read this in the middle of the day when you have nothing better to do so it wont be morning for you BUT it is too early for me right now. getting up to work at 6:30 on a saturday morning is not my cup of tea. i literally had to peel my eyes open this morning. i got into the bathroom and was going to do my hair and make-up and i just could not see for the life of me. i had to rub my eyes numerous times to get some kind of vision. i probably look like a nightmare today. people will probably choose to go to the lobby instead of drive because im such a sight. HA! totally exaggerating. whatever, being here pays the bills =) can't complain!

so how was everyone's christmas??? can you believe its already over?? like seriously, what the crap. we just spent the last month or so preparing for this ohh sooo VERY important day by decorating the house with stars, mini snowmen, a large pine tree, red and white sparkly candles, AND spending hours at the psycho crazy busy mall picking out the perfect gift for EVERYONE, and overplaying "simply having a wonderful christmas time..." by Paul McCartney like a hundred times a day (btw...weirdest music video ever...my roomie and i watched it awhile ago and it is so odd). alllll this stuff done to prepare for christmas day. however....does ALL this stuff that we do so obsessively have anything to do with the true meaning of christmas?

did we prepare our hearts? did we truly celebrate the birth of our Christ just two days ago? did we rest in his peace this christmas? its worth thinking about.

i found myself sooo lost in a few things this christmas that blinded me from enjoying the true bliss of the day. for those of you who aren't familiar with my family...here is a little info so you can see where i am coming from. i am the youngest, i have two older sisters. Jana is happily married to Brent ( loves you bro!) and Jill is engaged to Todd, getting married this coming July. then there is happy lil ame...chillin. i guess my heart was really broken this christmas because i felt so out of place. christmas eve is spent with the immediate fam, but this year it was jana and brent's turn to go to his side. so it was me, mom and dad, and jill and todd at our place. wow, that was sad. where the heck is jana?? it just felt strange. and of course jill and todd are just lovey dovey birds who are twitterpated (this word is in the movie Bambi...figure it out haha) because todd was in iraq for years so they have some time to make up for. and my parents are always doing their own thing. then i just kinda sat there...trying to smile and just get through the night. feeling like the odd one out. then christmas day came and we headed to my aunts. that day it was opposite, jill and todd went to his side and jana and brent came with us. so once again, i just felt pretty much alone. for those of you who are in this position totally KNOW what this feels like (haylee...yeah does this sound familiar??). being the youngest totally has had its perks but recently it has been hard. watching my sisters start a life with someone they love and having each other to spend the holiday with. and im just chillin. so i found my heart hurting and i was honestly filled with a lot of jealousy towards them and their holiday love with their other halves.

another thing that was very difficult for me was the christmas eve church service. oh my, this was the hugest dilemma ever! so my fam always used to go to Salam Lutheran in Stillwater MN our entire lives! every christmas eve service has been there, the whole candle lit/silent night theme. its pretty nice. however, with some huge changes in my faith these past two years, i dont consider salem a home church anymore. both my sisters have kind of left that church too and go to some others when they can. i talked to my mom early christmas eve day about going to a church that could kind of meet in the middle of our faiths. something that could meet both the needs of my parents and myself. it was really important to me because my faith has become very strong and i was interested in seeking out a service that could give a different message of christmas rather then just hearing the story read right out of the bible like at salem. well let me say, that conversation did not go well. my mom got really frustrated and told me to get over it and just go to salem because its what we've always done. i got upset and tried to explain to her that it would be nice if she considered how it would feel to be me-that it matters to me to try something different this year. we actually ended up going to Shepard of the Valley...its like a contemporary lutheran church that instills the lutheran beliefs and traditions but have spiced up the worship and made the setting more contemporary. so it was kind of in the middle. thanks mom =) so we got there and took a seat in the back feeling a bit odd because we didnt know a soul. i sat by my dad....bad idea....as he was looking over the printed program he leaned over to me and said in my ear "so you know...if anyone starts to raise their hands and dance or get really into the songs when they are singing and you feel uncomfortable...you can leave" (in the most sarcastic tone ever)......then he smirked and laughed a evil little chuckle and went back to reading the program. if you dont understand what he meant....let me explain....that was my dad trying his hardest to insult my faith and look down upon me for the way i enjoy worshiping. and then LAUGHED! he made an absolutely inappropriate sarcastic comment to cut me so deep. my dad is a very old fashioned and traditional and anything else seems just ridiculous to him. my dad...my father...my protector...my everything...said that to me. insulting my faith? tears welled up in my eyes and for a few seconds i just felt so ashamed and wanted to walk out. i just started praying that God will allow me to forgive him and focus on the message. they played "Here I am to Worship" and i was so thankful, i got my mind right and hid my tears and moved on. I am a strong believer in worshipping however you want, do what makes you feel closest to God! whether that is with hymns and an organ or contemporary music with a band, whether its by yourself or with a large community, whether its praying or singing, or whatever! worship however. and i've told my dad so many times that he needs to accept the way i do things and respect my ways to worship yet time and time again, he makes comments that seriously rip my heart to pieces.

may i remind you with this verse...Psalm 150 "Praise the LORD! Praise God in His sanctuary; Praise Him in His mighty expanse. Praise Him for His mighty deeds; Praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Praise Him with trumpet sound; Praise Him with harp and lyre. Praise Him with timbrel and dancing; Praise Him with stringed instruments and pipe. Praise Him with loud cymbals; Praise Him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD!" AHHHH ISN'T THIS AWESOME?!?! God deserves our praise, and He wants it in every way, and any way! people dance for him! its just so beautiful =) so maybe i should show this to my dad. however, he is stubborn and would just turn his cheek the other way.

christmas was not feeling so great. lack of family, lack of a relationship, lack of a supportive father. i was so fed up. God is gracious and full of beauty and provided me with a phenomenal message at church. it was all about finding PEACE on christmas and how it was commanded to us to rest in his peace. it is stated "Hark! the herald angels sing, 'Glory to the newborn King; Peace on earth, and mercy mild'...." and if any of you know me well, you know i am crazy about Peace...i love to wear it and i am obsessed with peace jewelery and i love the message peace delivers. i am a very anxious person that gets stressed about everything!! so understanding God's peace and being able to rest in it is just picture-perfect for me =) this was my first christmas where i grasped the idea of letting everything go and just basking in his awesome peace. it was lovely! i sat back, i enjoyed being the black sheep of the family, and let my dad make comments all frickin day if he wanted to. christmas ended up being super relaxing! i stepped into this new way of living, being content with my current situation and being at peace. i realized im good with being the odd one out...im in no way ready for marriage and ive got some fun challenging things coming up that involves me being independent (hopefully studying abroad!!!) . im on my way to greatness, heck yeah!

I am so sorry this was the largest, most jam packed post!!! i am at work super bored with a lot on my mind. just love to share =) i hope everyone else had a fantastic christmas and is excited for the NEW YEAR!!! make any good new years resolutions?? i should run more.

ill leave you with the song of the day "another heart calls" by the all-american rejects. i used to be crazy about them back in sophomore year in hs and now they have a new cd and im crazy all over again!

peace

Bathing In Money Again...

i have completely lost the countdown...lets see here. let me check my phone. it is the 17th, so we have around 7 days until christmas!!! about a week! and i still have not purchased one gift, or made any! i have so much work to do. not even funny. it really sucks when you wait until the last minute to do christmas shopping because then you are soo frantic and antsy about getting it done that it looses the specialness and excitement of picking out specific things for loved ones. well hopefully ill get a whole day to get everything done and also have the time to make everything special for the fam!

interesting fact of the day...i have been 20 for exactly one month. boring month it has been.

welllllll i am back at work for the month! woot woot! a whole glorious month off from the late nights of studying, the long afternoons in the library writing 10 page papers, and being secluded in a box size room with someone else every day and night (i love you stephanie lindert!! no hate, just love haha) AND getting away from eating food that tastes like it was a powder and then someone added water and it turned into some kind of strange foreign something that they feed us!! so gross. my stomach is turning just thinking about floppy turkey, and generic peanut butter and jelly, and bubbling hot dishes, and tasteless dry desserts. HOME COOKED FOOD IS THE BEST!! thank you mother for chicken breats, mashed potatoes, and corn! =) but on the bla side of things....like i said....im back at work. back to being a dressed up teller working the drive through with by best buddies. i work with two amazing tellers, Gwen who is 60, and Sue who is like 50. LOVE THEM. if any of you have worked with people who are much older, you have to agree that it is so much fun. they are so silly and cute, and WISE!! there is no talking bad about each other and no weird love triangles. there is for the most part, NO GOSSIPING at work. how is that even possible?? every job ive ever had has been consumed with talking smack about everyone! so annoying. working with people my own age is good, but id choose these ladies over my age group any day!

but now that i am back at work. i am trying to remember everything i learned over the summer. idk if people realize that working at a bank is so hard! i worked at associated for a total of 4 months and i still dont know how to answer the stupid phone....yes im being serious lol and learning how to get people into their safe deposit boxes is like learning french to me. IMPOSSIBLE! so im back, and ive worked 3 days so far and its allll coming back to me =) they threw me upstairs in the lobby for a day which terribly sucked because you get all the huge transactions up there. people come in with business deposists that can be up to 10 thousand dollars....that i....have to....count....by.....hand!!! the machine that counts money doesnt do a good job so i have to do it all on my own. so thennnnnn after doing their deposits, i am stuck with 10 thousand dollars to sort out, when my drawer is only supposed to have 5 thousand in it! before i know it, there are honestly piles of money around me that i am trying to bundle and put away lol no joke straight up bathing in money. being a teller is way fun, come join the team!

im so happy to be back, back at home, back at work. *sigh* its all gravy here. work all day, then home at night. chillin. reading. hanging out with people. relaxing. its about frickin time. this past semester took forever! but good news, good news everyone! 4 out of my 5 classes posted final grades yesterday and i have three B's, and one A!! rock the freak on. so stoked. i guess slaving away at hw paid off.

well it is slow at work, im going to go back to munching on pretzels and reading the book Captivating. I highly recommend this book for women!! ive only read two chapters so far but i have a much greater understanding of being a woman and how i bear the image of God. its sweet. i also recommend men to read this to better understand women. seriously guys...do it. for us =)

anyone want to get a huge group of people together to go sledding or go to the holidazzle parade??? let me know. how fun would that be!

Happy early Birthday Christohper Knox!! i hope 20 is rockin. no more teen years.

song of the day..."breaking"-anberlin...it has no meaning to anything. just really good stuff. anberling is amazing. give em a chance =)

peace

Thanks Britney

16 days until Christmas!! woohoo!

and 2-3 days left of being at school, then break!!

i am a little shocked realizing that this semester is over. its so weird because looking back at last year, i vividly remember so much growth and so many wonderful things happening first semester. God blessed me with an incredible friendship...the friendship of the lovely kendal leigh wigdal. my soul sister. i never got so close to someone in such a short amount of time. its like i was searching for her all my life and when we met, it just fit. haha it sounds like im talking about a guy. no no no, kendal is better than silly boys. they come and go, but she has been there.

not that anyone probably cares, but this is my little story of last year. take a trip down memory lane with me =) so yes i met kendal and we were inseparable. kendal went through some of the hardest things first semester, and we cried a whole lot together. many movie nights alone in her room just talking, and praying, and crying. we enjoyed having many "freakin festivals" after mass communication on wednesdays. haha, so much fun! we had all these plans, and hopes of where us two would go together. and that no matter what, we had each other to get through the lameness of school. things took a huge turn for the worst and kendal couldn't come back for second semester. she moved far far far away to milwaukee (stephanie helped me spell that hahahaha) in the middle of no where! i still remember coming back second semester and i opened my door to my single room and looked around and just felt sick and starting sobbing knowing that she was gone and i had to face everything on my own. blaaaa, so that was tough tough tough. haha i remember saying bye to her (she came back for a few days to get her stuff and move out of nona)...i got onto the shuttle bus to go back to west campus where i was living last year, and i looked out the window and waved as she stood there on the curb crying. like really....is there a camera somewhere???? are we in a movie??? i wish. i wish it was a movie so it all wasn't real and the tears were fake. BUT it was fo sho real. and one of the hardest things ever. kendal is living in la crosse now and life is good for her, and i thank God for that. she has gone through more than i can imagine. she is a frickin awesome teller at associated bank and rocks the heck out of it. =) we are 30min apart but it feels like states away. i dont get to see her beautiful face much but somehow i survive without her. I MISS YOU KENDAL!

2nd semester started and wow was that not fun. i tried majoring in marketing and my classes such as accounting, macroeconomics, and pre-calc were just not that fabulous. lol i had no idea what was going on at all in any of those classes. i sat there with squinty eyes and would just stare at my professor wanting so badly to understand what the heck they were talking about. so weeks went on and i got used to not knowing what in the world was happening in any of my classes. on the bright side God blessed me with a lovely new friendship with the darling sarah galbrecht!! she was my neighbor and just the darn cutest thing ever. happiest, most encouraging thing ever. ahh i miss you sarah g! she fell a lot. ha. and we both talked about how psycho we are. good times =) sarah continued her college career at the very large and scary University of Minnesota in the cities. im so proud of her....shes going to graduate early! but i miss her so much...coming to my door and saying with her sweet voice "shlamey...can i come in". aww i miss you bff neighbor! 

two amazing girls....now gone. it sucks so much and i miss them more than words could express here on my blog. for how hard things have been lately, i think about them a lot...wishing they were here so i could lay my head on their shoulder and just cry. doesnt this all just really suck guys? people always leave. and that is how life will be from here on. every semester, every school year, every summer...people come in your life and then the next day they are gone. its like one minute you're laughing with someone you call your best friend and you dont want the time to stop because you're so happy...then all of a sudden they are out of your life and you can't remember the last time you heard their voice on the phone. im wondering if this is something we will all get used to? i honestly dont know how i can get used to it. why am i so sensitive??? geez, why cant i be a dude?? they seem to be just like whatever to most things. im so sick of losing people. why is it that the people we want to hold onto the most are the ones that walk away? weird how that works huh. BUT, im guessing this is life right? gotta get used to the never-ending changes of relationships and people disappearing. the ones who love me enough will never disappear...i know that. we all have those bff's (lol i really just said that, best friends forever....frick yeah) in our lives and they never leave. love you all my beefs!!! haha

so the title of my blog is "thanks Britney" because i was really thinking about the word strength and whether or not i have a lot of it. people say i am a lot stronger than i think so thats awesome. Britney Spears is someone we all know, dont lie people!!! ITS BRITNEY SPEARS!! im not a fan at all but her lyircs popped into my head "and now im stronger than yesterday" and as lame as i think all her music is and just who she portrays herself as...those lyrics brought truth to me. if you're going through the crappiest of all crapness, know that you're more than likely stronger than you were yesterday. losing friends and loved ones is tough, ive experienced it all. but im stronger than i was yesterday and that rocks. it helps me see that like a month from now, ill be uber strong! yeaaaaah....sweet =) so thanks for your lil diddy Britney. it helped. 

song of the day "tired and uninspired" by My American Heart

quote from the song to relate to my strength topic...."be strong for me and ill be strong for you" love that!!! this song is one of my favs, enjoy!

peace

God Feels

the countdown continues! 19 days until christmas!! people, we are getting close!! i cannot believe that i don't have any gifts yet and there is 19 days left, oh my. i need to get on that pronto! as soon as finals are done on thursday, i will be heading home and then heading to the stores.

I really do wish christmas was on my mind more and that i was focusing on the upcoming holiday. instead, my mind has been swamped with other things. i want so badly to be thinking about christmas cookies, and the holidazzle (sp??), playing in the snow, sipping coffee by the fireside with a Jodi Picoult book, listening to christmas carols!! but NO, this whole last week there has been a dark cloud over me and my heart. no one wants to be the depressed one around christmas time so i decided to slap a smile on and just deal. its pretty awesome to know that God doesn't want me to suffer alone and he had people left and right asking me if i was okay or needed to talk. i thought i was hiding it all so well, haha i guess not! 

I guess i am sharing all of this with you guys because i want to be able to help anyone else who could be suffering. God has really taught me to be vulnerable like his son was when he died on the cross for all our sins. in my whole life, i have never understood suffering and as christians why were endure such intense hardships that can be so painful sometimes. i learned that we have to share in our savior's sufferings to share in his glory. THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!! ahh im just so happy that that was revealed to me. i hope it makes sense to all of you too =)

when this semester started is when my suffering started as well. this semester has been rooouugghhh! i wanted to seek wisdom and guidance and understand as much as possible so i of course got into his word right away. can i just really encourage you guys to get into his word if you are lost or hurting. there are answers in there, i promise. to be dead honest, i never really read the bible my whole life until this semester and now i can't get enough. once you start, you become hooked because he will make any passage you read relate to your current problems. He really is just that powerful. rock the freak on. on the side, i wanted to read some books for inspiration and specific guidance in certain areas of my life that really frustrated me. 

book #1....Sex God by Rob Bell, which is about exploring the endless connections between sexuality and spirituality. it really helps us understand relationships, and emotions under Gods light. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING BOOK. i highly recommend this to anyone! if any of you have seen the Nooma videos of Rob Bell on youtube.com, you are in for such a treat if you read his book. 

book #2....I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, which is a book about desiring relationships that honor God. in a sense, it isn't even about dating-its about living for God. The book throws the worlds idea of dating out the window and sets up new standards for christians and how we should pursue relationships. again, AMAZING BOOK!! if you're sick of heartbreak and want to understand how God created relationships to be, read read read this book!!

anyways, i read the chapter "she ran into the girls bathroom" in the Sex God book early this morning. i want to share what i read and how encouraged i am!!

if any of you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God Feels

if any of you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God Feels

if any of you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God Feels

The cross is God's way of saying, "I know what it's like"

the cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, "Here, you take them"

our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. when we dont avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. when we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker. 

and in this connection, there's always the chance we'll find a reason to risk again. if God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

perhaps you have had your heart broken by somebody. you risked and extended and offered yourself, and they rejected and turned away and didnt return your love. 

theres something divine in your suffering. somebody divine in your pain. you know how God Feels.

why is it those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most? our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers. they probably come from an ex-boyfriend, a former friend, a roommate, a sister...ect

the danger is that you will decide it isnt worth it. why risk if its going to hurt like this? the tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

a decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. they go together.

in matters of love, its as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything-thats what makes God, God. but God cant do everything. God cant make us love him-thats our choice.

Love is risky for God too.

wow well this is the longest blog in the history of blogs! but i wanted to share a piece of the book Sex God with all of you wonderful people. i have really been seeing heartbreak around me and many young adults, girls and guys, are hurting because of broken hearts. let us be reminded that there is hope and that our wonderful Father, God, empathizes with our pain and knows how scary it is to risk, and love again. you can always love again! you can =) i really hope this touched some hurting hearts because i know reading this gave me such encouragement. healing feels goooooood! 

peace

song of the day-"decode" by paramore.......it was on the movie twilight!