evolution + spanish + amy = dropping out of school

como estas? bien? those words pretty much sum up my knowledge about spanish...maybe some others...trabajar, hacer, frutas, ect. its a pretty easy language to learn from what i have heard. i need a foreign language for my major, which i guess makes sense because i am majoring in communication studies. why wouldnt i be well rounded in another language? i am frickin supposed to impress people with my comm skills, so why not bust out something other than english? since the day i decided to transfer to the u of m, i was dreading the start of my spanish classes and it has begun. DEATH! thank the Lord, he blessed me with fellow classmates who are just as confused as i am and after we are told to do a certain activity we look at each other and say "do you know what she said??"...the class has seriously become a highlight of my day because i am laughing through the whole thing...completely confused and wondering how i will manage to press through this 5 credit class (yeah 5 credits....seriously? classes should not be allowed this many credits... its like a full time job)

theeennnnnnn i get the joyous experience of experiencing anthropology-human evolution-this semester. how lucky am i??? i get to "learn" all about my ancestors-the apes, the good ol monkeys. boy am i proud of what i evolved from. or what i was selected from...right? uh yeah not sure. school is hard for me...ask anyone that knows me-ive said "im dropping out" around 4-5 times a week. drama queen? yeah i guess you can call me that. regardless, even though school is a challenge, i can listen and learn and really apply myself if i need to. never in my highschool/college education have i taken a class where i literally want to throw my textbook into the bottom of the ocean and plug my ears with cotton balls because hearing all the garbage in those lectures drives me crazy. i want to stand up and scream and yell "i wasn't randomly selected! i did NOT evolve from some snail that turned into a chimp that turned into me! i was preciously CREATED, i was CHOSEN, i was knit together in my mothers womb, i am here for a REASON, i am special, i am loved, i have a purpose, i have a caring FATHER who knew me before i was born...i was made by the one and only...the almighty creator of the entire universe!!"

doesn't that sound...better? ...real? doesn't that make you want to live?

man would i get stares, and in all honesty i would never do that. im not typically brave, only in rare circumstances. and i dont think that would even be appropriate. but this class got my brain really really thinking and my heart seeking....why dont i believe all this? natural selection? evolution and what not? it does make sense, it has an explanation for why we are here. it is simple and seems to make sense. it bothered me, it made me feel uncomfortable...if i was called out by that professor and she said "young lady, what do you believe"...i would say "i believe in God, the creator" but wouldnt be able to elaborate

i can say with confidence i believe in God, i believe in eternal life and i believe i was made for a purpose...but i feel ashamed to not have a clue why evolution is wrong. who would have ever guessed God placed me in an awful class for a reason. he desires for me to learn so much MORE about him...the stuff that really makes me want to gag (science) but i guess it is that time. my walk with the Lord has been strong for the past couple of years and ive been pushing off crucial parts of the bible, such as creation and the end times. if its complicated, it irritates me and i will just take the basics...."i was created by God in 7 days" or "i know i will go to heaven"...simple...but i know God wants me to KNOW more. so ill dig deep this semester...real deep! id love to take all my anthropology information and bring it to one of my pastors at church and discuss what the Bible has to say in defense to all this bogus mumbo jumbo!

am i right people????? why dont we always take things a step further? and really figure out why God has us where he has us. it is no mistake where you are every second of every day, its planned.

be at comfort, and find peace...your life is not random :)

oh and btw, i am taking on a pretty sweet challenge during this fine year of 2010...i am reading the one year Bible...talk about discipline...doing anything daily (other than texting and eating) is tough for me. so as most of you have probably noticed, you'll be getting plenty of verses from me from day to day because i cant help but share the goodness of the word :) okay well i must study for espanol!!!!! estoy muy nervioso! its a great feeling going into the exam knowing i took the class pass/fail......ahhhhhhh soooooo grrrreat!

song of the day-"say what you will" by nural

peace

did someone press the repeat button?

it is sunday morning...it is early...halloween was last night...we got an extra hour of sleep...and here i am-BLOGGING! every reason in the world to sleep in and i have been up for a hour already. i tossed and turned all night and slept terribly which is strange because i got barely any sleep the night before and slept on a couch (you know when you sleep on a couch your sleep will only be half as good, its an expected crap night of sleep) hmmmm the only reason i can come up with is that God wants me here, right now in this moment to share my heart. or it could be that my mind is so awesome and knows i have SO MUCH HW that it woke me up to get me started on that blasted hw...but that is unlikely...

i have been informed that i am a song killer...an ultimate music ruiner. i suck all the goodness out of lovely music and amazing songs because i am an obsessive "repeat" listener. oops haha sorry to be annoying. i am well aware of this obnoxious condition i have because i will play the same song over and over again in my car (when i am completely alone of course) but no one was supposed to ever find this out. so when i was a freshman at winona state i lived in a single room (best decision i ever made...wow spoiled freshman i was, and i wouldnt have had it any other way haha) and i lived next to a girl named sarah and we didnt really talk a lot just because we had different friends and what not. no neighbor hate or anything, we just hadnt bonded yet :) so this was during my jordin sparks phase and i was reaaaallllllly into tattoo...disgustingly into that song, oh my, it was bad. i played it religiously from morning until night. so a few months passed and sarah and i actually became the bestest of friends (shes actually my roomie in the cities now) so with this new beautiful friendship came HONESTY and sarah thought it would be so funny to tell me what she thought of me when she first met me...EMBARRASSING! every single time i played that tattoo song, sarah would text her friends and tell them "she is playing the song again!!!" and they would all talk about me and my crazy obsession with that song....totally thought i was a weirdo. everytime i was thoroughly enjoying some jordin sparks, i was being teased behind my back. it was around this time i realized my habit had been exposed and since then many, and i mean MANY people have made fun of me for my love for the repeat button.

i have no problem admitting that my repeat button on itunes is one of my very closest friends :) and ill never change the way i listen to music...im doing it as we speak! ive listened to "keeping pace with planes" by conditions at least 7 times in the last hour. i cant help it, the song is so so good. what isnt so so good is that i literally feel like someone pressed the repeat button on me and my life.......and it is frustrating

everything feels the same. i can expect how my entire week will go. i can expect if something isnt going to work out and then ill be disappointed...i can expect that nothing super exciting is going to happen...i can expect i will feel really angry/frustrated at least 4 times tomorrow...i can expect i will cry once this week because of school stressing me out...i can expect that ill be working monday, wednesday, and saturday this week...i can expect i wont make time to go running today...i can expect ill vacuum my rug twice this week because it attracts every fuzz in my room...i can expect this week will drag by and everyday that i wake up i wont want to go to class, rather stay in bed and watch TLC. i can simply expect that this week will be like every other week...no passion, no deep talks, no discoveries, no zest, no adventures, nothing that makes me laugh so hard my stomach burns, nothing that will make me so overjoyed i want to scream...nothing new. in all honesty, i actually have NO expectations of anything. its like im living in the land of the bla...everything is on repeat.

i feel like im drowning in a dry land...

maybe some of you are experiencing this...and maybe not. it could be that its the middle of the semester and i am deathly sick of the same routine over and over again...and im in need of a good holiday break. i kind of thought halloween would bring something really fun and exciting, totally wrong. i called my friend haylee to actually talk about this last night, every single halloween and new years eve we both think to ourselves "this year is going to be different, its going to be crazy fun, i will make sure something sweet happens!" and every year we end up doing the complete opposite like babysitting on halloween or going to bed at 10pm alone on new years eve. honestly depressing.

so i kinda figured out why my life may be on repeat or in other words, passionless. i went to winona to visit some friends on friday night and these are the people i spent the last two years with...they were my first college friends. the ones that were really there during my transition into a real christ follower. they know every detail about me and my life and we all are very open people who love to discuss what God is doing in our lives. sharing advice and praying for one another is what we do and it is just beautiful when i am with these girls :) God is so present. so i havent visited my winona lovers since august, a whole 2 long aching months have passed. when i used to go to school with them, we would talk about what God is doing in our hearts/relationships/lives on a daily basis...and now that i go to the U of M, i really only have that freedom on sunday nights at my small group. when i arrived at my friend jens apartment, we sat down to a lovely stir fry dinner and i couldnt stop talking and sharing and venting. jen is at a very similar place in her walk with God as i am and we understand each other really well so it was like the easiest thing to just rip open my heart and be real with her.

i realized what i was missing these past 2 months...REAL community, REAL fellowship within a church or a ministry...

i do have wonderful community and fellowship through the Rock, the church i go to, but i dont see these amazing people every day all day or live a floor above them to always be able to discuss life with them. thats hard. very hard. (looks like im gona need to make more of an effort haha sleepover anyone???) not only did i realize i was lacking in rich community and fellowship with other people who are after God's heart, i was also lacking in the growth that comes from community and fellowship in a church. i have been in the word a lot this school year, seeking wisdom from proverbs but i was feeling like all these words and verses were filtering through my heart. they werent sticking and allowing me to grow. and this is what i have discovered...

Gods word can't grow in you if you read it like a book. reading it daily without any application or discussion leaves you lost. of course it is necessary you have quiet times and read the Bible on your own and find what God is showing you BUT i do believe that it is essential to have others you can explore God's word with and share what you are learning. growth works differently for all of us, but my eyes were opened to see that i grow most when i am talking with others about my journey and God gives me insight through our conversation and i become very passionate as we discuss our struggles and joys. i dont grow alone, i cant grow alone. we as christians grow as a body. and i completely lost that vision in the past few months. we become distant and lose our passion when we try to walk this walk alone...it wasnt meant to be like that!!! we dont have to do this alone. be vulnerable, seek out community and fellowship, and find brothers and sisters you can be REAL with....and i think youll start to feel your heart again :) i promise.

this was a long one but what i needed to get off my chest, and its probably choppy and confusing because i am STARVING and cant concentrate! its time to make some egg, sausage, and bagel sandwiches for breakfast...yummmm. youre jealous, i know. i pray you have the most fruitful week and continue to always grow :)

song of the day (well i really recommend you listen to the one i mentioned in this post, the lyrics are similar to what i had been feeling for awhile) otherwise id say pump it up and listen to "keep the party alive" by family force 5....one of their new songs!

peace

well hello jello

it is so weird to look back at my old posts and see where i was and who i was and what in the world was going on in my life and in my head. interesting. is it strange that i feel like i am a completely different person? i guess...maybe i was? its totally possible. at this time in life (for us college students i guess...sorry if you are like 50 and reading my blog...or if you are 15...? deal i guess haha) we are changing every day. dont you agree? for however many years you are in school or even if you dont go to school, this time in life...like early 20's is CRUCIAL  for development. freshman year in college seems like so long ago...i can barely even remember the tiny details. i dont like that...i dont like watching such amazing memories slip away from me. can i just hold on a littler longer? oh and for you freshman in college this year, here is my advice (yeah i am at the age now where i definitely feel like i have at least a small amount of wisdom to give...so frickin take it)

-please dont be dumb...you know what that applies to

-cherish every single care package you get from your beloved mommy (i got 1...im a junior ha)

-surround yourself with people who love, support, and encourage you

-dont forget about your friends back home, the ones that were there for you during your obnoxious hs years

-find out what you are passionate about (this sounds so deep...yeah maybe it is. stop sitting in your lofted bed gaining the freshman 15 and get involved...you'll find what you love to do through these opportunities...i did! comm studies baby!)...swallow your fears and do it

-dont go home every weekend...if you hate college with everything inside of you and you are so homesick you begin to cry just reading this...just TRUST and dont go home. stay around, see what God gives you...he'll come through for you. i promise

-take the easy classes, have fun your first semester.

-purchase as much clothes as you can from your school as possible...you can really only get away with wearing college sweatpants, shirts, hats, ect for your college years. afterwards, you will probably get dirty looks. DECK OUT NOW

-go on one road trip a month to get the heck out of the dorms! even if it is a hour trip to the nearest chipotle (yes i did many of these :) haha)

-can you please just have as much fun as possible????? enjoy these special years

oh and if you arent happy and you feel like you should transfer, drop out, follow after a dream, travel, work, or do a missions trip or something....why not? dont be afraid. sincerely follow your heart and dont do school if you hate it.

this was all probably obvious stuff but sometimes people need to be reminded that YOU do have a choice. you guys are big kids now...do what you want-even if it doesnt make sense at all. thats what i did. i have a story of my own now and most of the time it makes no sense, what makes sense is that it feels right and God wants me here. i decided to surrender my life to God last year, and said to Him "do what you will...do what you will". out of nowhere i made the decision to transfer to the U of M, leaving a great school, irreplaceable friends, and the only life i knew...all because i didnt feel right in winona. so here i am guys!!!!! remember when i blogged about the whole upcoming transferring transition and what not, and how terrified i was??? well take a look at amy lancette now...I DID IT!!

I have managed to do this much change in my life in the past month....eeeesshh!

-transferred to the U of M (insanely huge, but such a perfect fit for me)

-moved to st. paul, MN (please come visit me soon)

-joined a church (the rock in minneapolis...oh come visit me and then we'll go to church together haha, its an amazing time!!!)

-became a leader of the outreach team at the Intervarsity campus ministry at the U

-taking the city bus (oh the stories you will hear!!!!! bahaha!) every day to class

-oh....one of my best friends got engaged and is getting married in less than 4 months!

-two new wonderful roomies...shout out to meghan huberty and sarah galbrecht (who just told me she had a dream she kissed a 12 year old boy....haaaaaahaha! she will be slightly unhappy that i posted this but oh well, loves you!)

-my sister is preggo and due in may

-my other sister got married this past july

pretty much my life has drastically changed and i really am loving it so far. i want to thank everyone who was praying for me. i was soooo scared, no words could even explain! it is all becoming routine now and everything is coming together. one huge change i love is having MY OWN PLACE!!! i dont have to share a bathroom or shower with 30 some other girls, i dont have to walk up a hall and then go to the left then go to the right then down a tunnel to get to a frickin ghetto kitchen to make my scooby mac. i can make my own meals and bake and cook all day long until the sun rises the next day :) its my perfect little home! and im living in the cities people....ahh such delight! what i am most excited for is the opportunities God has blessed me with. the rock church has already impacted my life so much and being a leader at Intervarsity is what ive wanted for so long...its time to change lives on campus! i have amazing small groups through both organizations and have met the most legit awesome people. mmmm God has a plan far bigger than i could have ever pictured :) :) :) (yes three smiley faces for that comment, God is so much bigger than anything in my life...its truly amazing)

well i am doing what i always do...blab about nothing of importance but i just wanted to give any devoted followers a lil taste of what my life is like now. from here on out, my blog posts will be more condensed and probably just about the most random stuff that happens to me and just sharing how my wonderful heavenly father comes through for me and changes my life right before my eyes. whenever i hear stories about how God works in peoples lives, i get super pumped and excited...so i thought maybe my stories could do that for any of you.

ENJOY...facebook me messages if you have any thoughts or comments, great!

song of the day-"indian lover" by lakes

peace

No One Said It Was Going To Be Easy

it seems that so much time has passed since ive written that i would have HUGE news by now. i wish i could say my sister is finally preggo!! nope. her husband decided he doesnt want a december baby so no trying for awhile. haha they are so silly. i wish i could say that i have some awesome job lined up for the summer!! nope. no idea. the bank again maybe? i hope so because i make good money but i want some adventure and i want to be outdoors this summer, maybe even working with the youth at teens for christ =) the whole job situation is up in the air...great economy we have. LOVE it. ive heard rumors that Aldi grocery store pays their cashiers $12 a hour!!!!! now if you are reading this and live in hudson, please dont be a meany and steal this job from me! heehee. im going to go check it out this weekend and see what they got going on. how boring though, seriously. let me scan fruit and bags of fritos all day. sweet. i also wish i could say i knew where the heck i was going to live starting in august of 2009...

wait...maybe you don't know the news. do you know the news? well let me tell you =) I am proud to announce that i was accepted into the Universtiy of Minnesota, Twin Cities for fall 2009. I found this out about a month ago but i havent blogged since then so the news seems to be quite dry and old now. almost annoying. doesnt it always work that way though? whenever you find out amazing, exciting news you are bouncing off the walls for a good eight hours telling everyone in sight. then reality sinks in and you forget that with great new opportunities comes hard work and a scary transition. getting a new job or promotion is crazy exciting but then you realize you have to work with new people in a new place and be challenged beyond your knowledge. whenever my sister does find out shes having a baby, everyone will be freaking out and soo happy! but then she will realize shes bringing another life into this world which is scary. and for nine months shes probably going to get really uncomfortable and be in a lot of pain. thats life though isnt it? full of mystery and risk and of course even the best thing is not perfect.

can i be honest here? for some reason i am not into writing my thoughts in my paper journal lately which i usually do daily. i feel really constricted writing lately. its AWFUL. im totally avoiding my journal, whenever i see it i get this surge of guilt and im like ahhhhhhhh. does my journal even have feelings??? noooo!! haha! i feel like it hates me and is wondering why i havent shared my thoughts. it probably even has dust on it. AND as you can tell, ive avoided writing in my blog too which i love to do regularly. i know that disciplining myself to write these posts is really good for me. i hate routines because i suck at committing. i love commitment in any type of personal relationship, but commitments to things that push me...like a diet or running schedule or early morning quiet times or flossing my teeth or praying every night...ROUGH! whenever im pushed or challenged, i tend to back out. maybe not right away but eventually. keeping this blog going is good because i want to continue practicing writing for my communication studies major. because one day i really do hope to write a book (ha im embarrassed to admit this beacuase im not much of a dreamer...im realistic. but i really do want to write a book!!!!) and how am i going to get better at writing? duuhhh, writing to all you wonderful people through my bloggidy blog.

and i also know its good for me to vent in my blog. people constantly comment on how they appreciate my honesty in my posts so ill keep it coming =) i keep a lot bottled in lately and im going through one of those phases where i feel like literallly not one person knows everything that is going on in my heart and head and daily life. one of those times where im feeling "lost in a sea of faces". which is probably my fault because i distance myself from people when i know im leaving or not going to see them anymore because i dont want the pain to kill me when i say goodbye. i want to avoid getting any closer to winona and all my brothers and sisters through intervarsity because its going to make me want to stay and not make the big transition to minneapolis. this, my friends, is not okay. its an intense protection mechanism ive developed over the years, especially from a broken heart from the past bf. im terrified of getting super close to people. if i keep a distance i cant get close enough to feel the pain of losing them. make sense? ive definitely overcome that this year A LOT. but this lil protection of mine came creeping back with this transferring situation. who wouldnt protect their heart? who wants to hurt? yeah.

overall though, i am stoked. terrified but thrilled!! you know whats funny, i have always thought about going to the U of M but never thought it was a possibility. i wrote a blog way back about how i didnt know if i should pursue an education at Bethel or the U. i got feedback from many people saying that Bethel isnt the place to go. so on a whim i applied at the U. and two months later i received a lovely voicemail congratulating me on my admittance =) =) =) im so not even close to ready in any way to go there. mentally, emotionall, spiritually, physically (you have to walk like 30min to get to class!!!!! aahhh!) but i have time and the Lord is faithful and my relationship is so strong with Him right now and i know im honoring his plan and will by taking this large leap. plans are to live with three amazing girl friends in a house or appartment in dinkytown. my own place, wooohooo! no more dorm! the thing i am most excited for is getting involved at a church called The Rock. its about time i get to be apart of a real church!!! ive never had that! i was raised lutheran, going to a WELS lutheran church lacking everything i needed: an authentic relationship with my heavenly father, community, passion, fellowship, desire, accountability, relative topics, contemporary music...a real body of christ devoted to serving and following and sharing the good news! The Rock seems to have all this and more, and its made up of mostly college students and young couples. ive been involved in intervarsity here at winona the past two years and my faith has grown substantially but its time i take another step and become part of something even more real and more deep. its nice because the service is on fridays night which will help with the transition from winona because our college minsitry here through pleasant valley church does worship on friday nights which is called Breathe. I always knew what i was doing friday nights here, going to Breathe to sing my heart out for three hours! once i get to the U, i again will have my friday nights spent with my savior =)

i have this huge topic i want to touch on and its been consuming me lately! thoughts about romantic relationships and men and women and how its all supposed to work. love languages and who real women of God are and real men of God are. im now reading Wild at Heart and its soo interesting and id like to say a few things, so next post...be prepared! i bet it will spark intense conversations/discussions/arguments...and im excited haha

my lovely friend kendal introduced me to Cory Asbury (not in person) and i am in love with his CD!!! he is one of the main worship leaders at IHOP(International House of Prayer) and im telling you...his stuff is good! not a lot is on itunes yet but if you would like to meet me on aim for a little date, i can send them to you!!

songs of the day- "closer", "where i belong", "holy", "you are my hope" all by cory asbury

Peace

Looks That Kill

with every agonozing step i take, my feet burn and throb. there is no feeling in my big toes. the "click click click" isnt synchronized and powerful, rather off beat and wobbly. i feel as if my ankles will snap any second due to my shakey legs. this is not fun, i dont feel more feminine. i definitely am in someone elses shoes...literally.

it is a sunday morning and id honestly do anything to be in church right now. im craving it!! i want to be in my Fathers house, desperately. its been almost two months since i have been to church. AWFUL. when applying for associated bank, i asked for two sundays off a month so that i could attend pleasant valley church. they understood and agreed. promises have not been kept. "religious practices" dont seem to be that high of an importance...lame. i work every sunday possible and when i do have one off a month i enjoy getting out of winona for the weekend and usually plan a roadtrip to see a friend at a university i havent been to! i get the last weekend off in march and im going to MADISON!!!!! i am sooo EXCITED! i have never visited the great town of madison (even though ive lived in wisconsin my whole life) and im pretty sure its going to be a frickin rockin time! anyways, so yes i am sitting in associated bank inside hyvee...watching all the families frolick around in their churchy outfits picking out groceries for the week. "to the left" by beyonce is playing in the background and im annoyed... straight up jealous of alllll my friends who are comfortably sitting in church listening to pastor ricks phenomenal message that will leave them renewed-mind, soul, heart, body. God speaks through pastor rick like no one else i know. go to PVC if you havent gotten the chance! be ready to have your life changed =)

not only am i here on a gorgeous spring morning that i could be spending worshipping God, my feet are in major trauma. MAJOR! the lovely kayla stopped by my room yesterday to borrow some clothes and accessories to doll up for a date night with a bunch of friends. she left with a sweet T of mine that looked better on her than me (dangit!! haha) and a lacey black tank and some black flats. she looked AMAZING! it never occurred to me that i would need need neeeeed those shoes back today. i already woke up late because i could not pull myself out of bed, i felt like i had woken up inside a fluffy warm cloud-pillows and blankets EVERWHERE!! and i was in the middle of the gloriousness, feeling super content =) it was 9:29 and i needed to leave at 9:35....alright all i need to do it put my shoes on and get my things together. where the crap are my shoes?!?!?! it was a mad house, i went crazy, i was throwing clothes everywhere (steph and i literally have piles upon piles of clothes all over our floor right now)...starting to get pissed, the clock is ticking, and i am shoeless! i started to think to myself, "maybe i will wear flip flops...or...clogs" really amy...really? i snapped out of my idiocy and decided to look at stephanies shoes. heeeeeeel city!!! gold closed toe heels, black stiletto heels with diamond ankle straps, and plain black closed toe thick heels. i looked at all of them and immediately thought DEATH. looks like the third pair were going to be ones. why me???? four hours standing on sticks??? oh because that makes sense! NOT! i admire heels but im a wedge kind of girl. fullllll support is what i need. people like sarah jessica parker in sex and the city blows me away with her ability to wear heels as if its something like socks-you just put them on everyday. i strapped those bad boys on and got a rush of confidence thinking "hey im wearing heels to work, this could be fun! im going to rock it and actually look dressy for once!!!" yeah the walk through the parking lot drained any confidence i had. i started to strut my stuff to my car, trying to get used to the feeling of walking on my tippy toes. i was so uncoordinated and goofy looking. wobbling back and forth, my right ankle decided to hate me and team with the devil and it just GAVE OUT!! i did one of those half falls where my body started to collapse immediately to the right but i caught myself by taking 25 mini baby steps forward to find balance and flailing my arms upward towards the sky like a crazy sun worshipper! i didnt smack my face into the pavement!!! GLORY HALLELUJAH!!! i did one of those awkward look-arounds to see who in the world saw that embarrassing show...ha no one. at least not that i know of.

i got to work and everyone has been commenting on my height. weird. i embrace my shortness. i dont like being a tall tree. 5'4 is where its at! ive been sitting since i got here, its just too painful to stand. not to mention, i have high arches. ouch. i journied to the bakery to buy the team some breakfast, wow that was the worst idea ever! i thought i was going to collapse in one of the aisles and crush my muffins during the fall. by the way, the bakery is on the opposite side of the store...pretty much states away. i wanted to cut my feet off when i got back. following after the steps of dude in the Saw move...bahahaha!! ish

this may be weird but wearing these heels today got me thinking. im not the biggest fan of analogies because mine dont make sense and analogies in general can be cheesy. but hey, today my mind is trying something new. sooo these heels arent mine...they are stephanies. they werent bought to fit me, they are totally wrong for my skinny, shapeless feet. i have awesome shiny black pumps that fit me perfectly and i wore them alllll weekend! they felt good and didnt cause me pain. i could walk with my head held high, knowing i wasnt going to fall. my goodness, black pumps with a nice pair of jeans is probably one of my favorite looks!

identity: something we all struggle with. who we are inside and out. before last week, i was really struggling with who i was. satans nagging lies kept pouring into my head, saying things like "who are you really??"or "nothing sets you apart, youre like everyone else!!" or "change, change, change this about yourself...youre not good enough". i felt invisible. as small as an ant. unfortunately satan knows us, he knows our most pitiful desires, the weakest areas of our hearts, and our most uncomfortable insecurities. he uses our weaknesses in his favor, sick twisted jerk! because i suddenly started to question myself and not like what i was seeing in the mirror, satan took advantage and ate away at the few things i still was confident in. in most social situations, i am the one who talks...i lead...and i offer...and i never feel uncomfortable voicing my opinion. i love to talk! suddenly in every social occurance, the devil would write "dont speak" on my heart. i questioned everything, i hated what came out of my mouth, i thought i sounded stupid, i didnt think i was funny, i thought i seemed awkward. i hated speaking...it was too risky. i hid from anything that involved me talking. it was the loudest lie ive ever experienced..."DONT SPEAK, DONT OFFER!" i didnt know who i was, i missed me. talkative, confident, goofy amy.

i guess i found my tragic shoe story relating to my spiritual battle. when i believed satan's lies, i felt like i needed to change who i was...completely reshape myself as a person and find new qualities that hopefully everyone else would LOVE. i decided to leave my identity behind and create a new one. i tried to fit into an identity of my own. i focused so much time and energy on myself...ME...MY NEEDS, MY WANTS, MY FAULTS, MY QUALITIES, MY WORTH...ect. for weeks i would wake up and try and think of new ways to change what i would normally do and be a different person, hoping to find peace and reassurance that i was a better person. i even found myself trying to be like friends of mine, hoping that if i fit into their identity, i would be happy and accepted like they are. pretty much it came down to being a new me and waiting to see if people saw and liked this new amy better. i was seeking affirmation in others, affirmation that my identity was enough. not good...that is the path to destruction!

visualize this with me now...when i put these heels on, these heels that are not my own. it felt weird and uncomfortable and i fell instantly. i struggled all day and the pain got increasingly worse. when we focus on our own identity as a human being, or try and fit into someone else's identity, we completely lose ourselves. this is the truth: when we know Christ fully, we will know ourselves. i lost sight of that, in all areas! when we try to be someone we are not, it hurts. when we try to mold ourselves into what others want, it fails and we stumble...because we are going against what Christ created us to be!!! I WAS CREATED TO BE A TALKER!!! haha! and as soon as i believed that my gift was a curse, i lost who i was. i tried to be someone else, it didnt work.

our IDENTITY is in CHRIST....alone.

where was i? in the devils claws...completely. i believed every lie and it was so painful. as soon as i started praying for a pure heart that only saw God (this was in my last blog) i was delivered. not instantly...but throughout a week, God delivered...His peace and purity. He swept me up into a joy that ive never felt before. His love was something i could touch and feel, in every area of my being!!!!! i trusted Him with myself and He took care of me and protected me from the devils lies!!!! HOW SWEEEET!

who would have guessed that all of this insight would have come from borrowing my roomies heels??? God works through anything, absolutely anything. we cant find our identity in ourselves, our accomplishments, clothes or anything of this world. and we especially cant find our identity in others and trying to be like others. again, we are who we are through christ. if you lose focus of that, the heel wont fit, it wont be comfortable, and youll have a long painful walk ahead of you...

BE YOU =)

songs (i cant pick one or the other!!) of the day- "scene change" or "take it home" by the white tie affair

Peace