Odd One Out

Gooooooodmorning! most of you will probably read this in the middle of the day when you have nothing better to do so it wont be morning for you BUT it is too early for me right now. getting up to work at 6:30 on a saturday morning is not my cup of tea. i literally had to peel my eyes open this morning. i got into the bathroom and was going to do my hair and make-up and i just could not see for the life of me. i had to rub my eyes numerous times to get some kind of vision. i probably look like a nightmare today. people will probably choose to go to the lobby instead of drive because im such a sight. HA! totally exaggerating. whatever, being here pays the bills =) can't complain!

so how was everyone's christmas??? can you believe its already over?? like seriously, what the crap. we just spent the last month or so preparing for this ohh sooo VERY important day by decorating the house with stars, mini snowmen, a large pine tree, red and white sparkly candles, AND spending hours at the psycho crazy busy mall picking out the perfect gift for EVERYONE, and overplaying "simply having a wonderful christmas time..." by Paul McCartney like a hundred times a day (btw...weirdest music video ever...my roomie and i watched it awhile ago and it is so odd). alllll this stuff done to prepare for christmas day. however....does ALL this stuff that we do so obsessively have anything to do with the true meaning of christmas?

did we prepare our hearts? did we truly celebrate the birth of our Christ just two days ago? did we rest in his peace this christmas? its worth thinking about.

i found myself sooo lost in a few things this christmas that blinded me from enjoying the true bliss of the day. for those of you who aren't familiar with my family...here is a little info so you can see where i am coming from. i am the youngest, i have two older sisters. Jana is happily married to Brent ( loves you bro!) and Jill is engaged to Todd, getting married this coming July. then there is happy lil ame...chillin. i guess my heart was really broken this christmas because i felt so out of place. christmas eve is spent with the immediate fam, but this year it was jana and brent's turn to go to his side. so it was me, mom and dad, and jill and todd at our place. wow, that was sad. where the heck is jana?? it just felt strange. and of course jill and todd are just lovey dovey birds who are twitterpated (this word is in the movie Bambi...figure it out haha) because todd was in iraq for years so they have some time to make up for. and my parents are always doing their own thing. then i just kinda sat there...trying to smile and just get through the night. feeling like the odd one out. then christmas day came and we headed to my aunts. that day it was opposite, jill and todd went to his side and jana and brent came with us. so once again, i just felt pretty much alone. for those of you who are in this position totally KNOW what this feels like (haylee...yeah does this sound familiar??). being the youngest totally has had its perks but recently it has been hard. watching my sisters start a life with someone they love and having each other to spend the holiday with. and im just chillin. so i found my heart hurting and i was honestly filled with a lot of jealousy towards them and their holiday love with their other halves.

another thing that was very difficult for me was the christmas eve church service. oh my, this was the hugest dilemma ever! so my fam always used to go to Salam Lutheran in Stillwater MN our entire lives! every christmas eve service has been there, the whole candle lit/silent night theme. its pretty nice. however, with some huge changes in my faith these past two years, i dont consider salem a home church anymore. both my sisters have kind of left that church too and go to some others when they can. i talked to my mom early christmas eve day about going to a church that could kind of meet in the middle of our faiths. something that could meet both the needs of my parents and myself. it was really important to me because my faith has become very strong and i was interested in seeking out a service that could give a different message of christmas rather then just hearing the story read right out of the bible like at salem. well let me say, that conversation did not go well. my mom got really frustrated and told me to get over it and just go to salem because its what we've always done. i got upset and tried to explain to her that it would be nice if she considered how it would feel to be me-that it matters to me to try something different this year. we actually ended up going to Shepard of the Valley...its like a contemporary lutheran church that instills the lutheran beliefs and traditions but have spiced up the worship and made the setting more contemporary. so it was kind of in the middle. thanks mom =) so we got there and took a seat in the back feeling a bit odd because we didnt know a soul. i sat by my dad....bad idea....as he was looking over the printed program he leaned over to me and said in my ear "so you know...if anyone starts to raise their hands and dance or get really into the songs when they are singing and you feel uncomfortable...you can leave" (in the most sarcastic tone ever)......then he smirked and laughed a evil little chuckle and went back to reading the program. if you dont understand what he meant....let me explain....that was my dad trying his hardest to insult my faith and look down upon me for the way i enjoy worshiping. and then LAUGHED! he made an absolutely inappropriate sarcastic comment to cut me so deep. my dad is a very old fashioned and traditional and anything else seems just ridiculous to him. my dad...my father...my protector...my everything...said that to me. insulting my faith? tears welled up in my eyes and for a few seconds i just felt so ashamed and wanted to walk out. i just started praying that God will allow me to forgive him and focus on the message. they played "Here I am to Worship" and i was so thankful, i got my mind right and hid my tears and moved on. I am a strong believer in worshipping however you want, do what makes you feel closest to God! whether that is with hymns and an organ or contemporary music with a band, whether its by yourself or with a large community, whether its praying or singing, or whatever! worship however. and i've told my dad so many times that he needs to accept the way i do things and respect my ways to worship yet time and time again, he makes comments that seriously rip my heart to pieces.

may i remind you with this verse...Psalm 150 "Praise the LORD! Praise God in His sanctuary; Praise Him in His mighty expanse. Praise Him for His mighty deeds; Praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Praise Him with trumpet sound; Praise Him with harp and lyre. Praise Him with timbrel and dancing; Praise Him with stringed instruments and pipe. Praise Him with loud cymbals; Praise Him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD!" AHHHH ISN'T THIS AWESOME?!?! God deserves our praise, and He wants it in every way, and any way! people dance for him! its just so beautiful =) so maybe i should show this to my dad. however, he is stubborn and would just turn his cheek the other way.

christmas was not feeling so great. lack of family, lack of a relationship, lack of a supportive father. i was so fed up. God is gracious and full of beauty and provided me with a phenomenal message at church. it was all about finding PEACE on christmas and how it was commanded to us to rest in his peace. it is stated "Hark! the herald angels sing, 'Glory to the newborn King; Peace on earth, and mercy mild'...." and if any of you know me well, you know i am crazy about Peace...i love to wear it and i am obsessed with peace jewelery and i love the message peace delivers. i am a very anxious person that gets stressed about everything!! so understanding God's peace and being able to rest in it is just picture-perfect for me =) this was my first christmas where i grasped the idea of letting everything go and just basking in his awesome peace. it was lovely! i sat back, i enjoyed being the black sheep of the family, and let my dad make comments all frickin day if he wanted to. christmas ended up being super relaxing! i stepped into this new way of living, being content with my current situation and being at peace. i realized im good with being the odd one out...im in no way ready for marriage and ive got some fun challenging things coming up that involves me being independent (hopefully studying abroad!!!) . im on my way to greatness, heck yeah!

I am so sorry this was the largest, most jam packed post!!! i am at work super bored with a lot on my mind. just love to share =) i hope everyone else had a fantastic christmas and is excited for the NEW YEAR!!! make any good new years resolutions?? i should run more.

ill leave you with the song of the day "another heart calls" by the all-american rejects. i used to be crazy about them back in sophomore year in hs and now they have a new cd and im crazy all over again!

peace