Looks That Kill

with every agonozing step i take, my feet burn and throb. there is no feeling in my big toes. the "click click click" isnt synchronized and powerful, rather off beat and wobbly. i feel as if my ankles will snap any second due to my shakey legs. this is not fun, i dont feel more feminine. i definitely am in someone elses shoes...literally.

it is a sunday morning and id honestly do anything to be in church right now. im craving it!! i want to be in my Fathers house, desperately. its been almost two months since i have been to church. AWFUL. when applying for associated bank, i asked for two sundays off a month so that i could attend pleasant valley church. they understood and agreed. promises have not been kept. "religious practices" dont seem to be that high of an importance...lame. i work every sunday possible and when i do have one off a month i enjoy getting out of winona for the weekend and usually plan a roadtrip to see a friend at a university i havent been to! i get the last weekend off in march and im going to MADISON!!!!! i am sooo EXCITED! i have never visited the great town of madison (even though ive lived in wisconsin my whole life) and im pretty sure its going to be a frickin rockin time! anyways, so yes i am sitting in associated bank inside hyvee...watching all the families frolick around in their churchy outfits picking out groceries for the week. "to the left" by beyonce is playing in the background and im annoyed... straight up jealous of alllll my friends who are comfortably sitting in church listening to pastor ricks phenomenal message that will leave them renewed-mind, soul, heart, body. God speaks through pastor rick like no one else i know. go to PVC if you havent gotten the chance! be ready to have your life changed =)

not only am i here on a gorgeous spring morning that i could be spending worshipping God, my feet are in major trauma. MAJOR! the lovely kayla stopped by my room yesterday to borrow some clothes and accessories to doll up for a date night with a bunch of friends. she left with a sweet T of mine that looked better on her than me (dangit!! haha) and a lacey black tank and some black flats. she looked AMAZING! it never occurred to me that i would need need neeeeed those shoes back today. i already woke up late because i could not pull myself out of bed, i felt like i had woken up inside a fluffy warm cloud-pillows and blankets EVERWHERE!! and i was in the middle of the gloriousness, feeling super content =) it was 9:29 and i needed to leave at 9:35....alright all i need to do it put my shoes on and get my things together. where the crap are my shoes?!?!?! it was a mad house, i went crazy, i was throwing clothes everywhere (steph and i literally have piles upon piles of clothes all over our floor right now)...starting to get pissed, the clock is ticking, and i am shoeless! i started to think to myself, "maybe i will wear flip flops...or...clogs" really amy...really? i snapped out of my idiocy and decided to look at stephanies shoes. heeeeeeel city!!! gold closed toe heels, black stiletto heels with diamond ankle straps, and plain black closed toe thick heels. i looked at all of them and immediately thought DEATH. looks like the third pair were going to be ones. why me???? four hours standing on sticks??? oh because that makes sense! NOT! i admire heels but im a wedge kind of girl. fullllll support is what i need. people like sarah jessica parker in sex and the city blows me away with her ability to wear heels as if its something like socks-you just put them on everyday. i strapped those bad boys on and got a rush of confidence thinking "hey im wearing heels to work, this could be fun! im going to rock it and actually look dressy for once!!!" yeah the walk through the parking lot drained any confidence i had. i started to strut my stuff to my car, trying to get used to the feeling of walking on my tippy toes. i was so uncoordinated and goofy looking. wobbling back and forth, my right ankle decided to hate me and team with the devil and it just GAVE OUT!! i did one of those half falls where my body started to collapse immediately to the right but i caught myself by taking 25 mini baby steps forward to find balance and flailing my arms upward towards the sky like a crazy sun worshipper! i didnt smack my face into the pavement!!! GLORY HALLELUJAH!!! i did one of those awkward look-arounds to see who in the world saw that embarrassing show...ha no one. at least not that i know of.

i got to work and everyone has been commenting on my height. weird. i embrace my shortness. i dont like being a tall tree. 5'4 is where its at! ive been sitting since i got here, its just too painful to stand. not to mention, i have high arches. ouch. i journied to the bakery to buy the team some breakfast, wow that was the worst idea ever! i thought i was going to collapse in one of the aisles and crush my muffins during the fall. by the way, the bakery is on the opposite side of the store...pretty much states away. i wanted to cut my feet off when i got back. following after the steps of dude in the Saw move...bahahaha!! ish

this may be weird but wearing these heels today got me thinking. im not the biggest fan of analogies because mine dont make sense and analogies in general can be cheesy. but hey, today my mind is trying something new. sooo these heels arent mine...they are stephanies. they werent bought to fit me, they are totally wrong for my skinny, shapeless feet. i have awesome shiny black pumps that fit me perfectly and i wore them alllll weekend! they felt good and didnt cause me pain. i could walk with my head held high, knowing i wasnt going to fall. my goodness, black pumps with a nice pair of jeans is probably one of my favorite looks!

identity: something we all struggle with. who we are inside and out. before last week, i was really struggling with who i was. satans nagging lies kept pouring into my head, saying things like "who are you really??"or "nothing sets you apart, youre like everyone else!!" or "change, change, change this about yourself...youre not good enough". i felt invisible. as small as an ant. unfortunately satan knows us, he knows our most pitiful desires, the weakest areas of our hearts, and our most uncomfortable insecurities. he uses our weaknesses in his favor, sick twisted jerk! because i suddenly started to question myself and not like what i was seeing in the mirror, satan took advantage and ate away at the few things i still was confident in. in most social situations, i am the one who talks...i lead...and i offer...and i never feel uncomfortable voicing my opinion. i love to talk! suddenly in every social occurance, the devil would write "dont speak" on my heart. i questioned everything, i hated what came out of my mouth, i thought i sounded stupid, i didnt think i was funny, i thought i seemed awkward. i hated speaking...it was too risky. i hid from anything that involved me talking. it was the loudest lie ive ever experienced..."DONT SPEAK, DONT OFFER!" i didnt know who i was, i missed me. talkative, confident, goofy amy.

i guess i found my tragic shoe story relating to my spiritual battle. when i believed satan's lies, i felt like i needed to change who i was...completely reshape myself as a person and find new qualities that hopefully everyone else would LOVE. i decided to leave my identity behind and create a new one. i tried to fit into an identity of my own. i focused so much time and energy on myself...ME...MY NEEDS, MY WANTS, MY FAULTS, MY QUALITIES, MY WORTH...ect. for weeks i would wake up and try and think of new ways to change what i would normally do and be a different person, hoping to find peace and reassurance that i was a better person. i even found myself trying to be like friends of mine, hoping that if i fit into their identity, i would be happy and accepted like they are. pretty much it came down to being a new me and waiting to see if people saw and liked this new amy better. i was seeking affirmation in others, affirmation that my identity was enough. not good...that is the path to destruction!

visualize this with me now...when i put these heels on, these heels that are not my own. it felt weird and uncomfortable and i fell instantly. i struggled all day and the pain got increasingly worse. when we focus on our own identity as a human being, or try and fit into someone else's identity, we completely lose ourselves. this is the truth: when we know Christ fully, we will know ourselves. i lost sight of that, in all areas! when we try to be someone we are not, it hurts. when we try to mold ourselves into what others want, it fails and we stumble...because we are going against what Christ created us to be!!! I WAS CREATED TO BE A TALKER!!! haha! and as soon as i believed that my gift was a curse, i lost who i was. i tried to be someone else, it didnt work.

our IDENTITY is in CHRIST....alone.

where was i? in the devils claws...completely. i believed every lie and it was so painful. as soon as i started praying for a pure heart that only saw God (this was in my last blog) i was delivered. not instantly...but throughout a week, God delivered...His peace and purity. He swept me up into a joy that ive never felt before. His love was something i could touch and feel, in every area of my being!!!!! i trusted Him with myself and He took care of me and protected me from the devils lies!!!! HOW SWEEEET!

who would have guessed that all of this insight would have come from borrowing my roomies heels??? God works through anything, absolutely anything. we cant find our identity in ourselves, our accomplishments, clothes or anything of this world. and we especially cant find our identity in others and trying to be like others. again, we are who we are through christ. if you lose focus of that, the heel wont fit, it wont be comfortable, and youll have a long painful walk ahead of you...

BE YOU =)

songs (i cant pick one or the other!!) of the day- "scene change" or "take it home" by the white tie affair

Peace