Exposed

day numero tres of amy's spring break in winona. cheers to solitude! =)

well i got back tuesday morning and spent my first night back in the dorms. waking up here and getting ready in a cave of silence is weird. im somewhat adjusted already, which really surprises me because as i have said before, I DESPISE change haha. its the truth. but maybe the transition hasn't been so bad because loads of people and activities and gatherings and catching up wasn't all thrown at me. i just came back to a hot dark room with the blinds shut and a musty smell that settled all around. my roomie most definitely left her birthday cake sitting on the futon and her favorite stuffed animal (Henry-aka-Head Banger Henry) behind and she left me a huge note on her white board calendar...what a JOY to come back to a special message!! i was sooo happy! so yeah...tuesday night...it was me and Bangs (my most favorite stuffed animal bear ever! he contours to every position of mine when i sleep and he is sooo soft, i couldnt live without this bear) we chilled and ate pizza hut and facebook chatted with some pals and watched a movie and some weird show on miracle babies. then hit the sack quite early. last night i saw Fired Up with some girls who also stayed around winona for spring break. we were the only ones in the theater and laughed our heads off at this absolutely stupid movie! so far, spring break has rocked!

haha okay soooo maybe you are wondering where the name Bangs came from? maybe not? i have to tell this story because it is hilarious! so let us take a trip down memory lane back to Saint Croix Lutheran High School in West Saint Paul. my first school! i was homeschooled k-8 and then moved onto a real school, a private school, a tiny school, a school that holds so many fond memories of mine. this past monday night, my sister and i were reminiscing about high school and looking at pics we took at track meets and dances and we both took in huge sighs and couldnt believe that we actually missed it. the carefree life of a teen, the lunch tables (you couldnt leave the one you decided to sit with...it would cause intense drama), locker buddies, getting kicked out of the library, chapel, homecoming, prom...ect...good times! anywho so it was my senior year and prom was coming up fast! i think allllll the girls were talking about it constantly every day starting in JANUARY! around march/april, i wrote my friend a note in British Literature asking if he would be interested in going to prom with me. he said yes =) what a doll. may was creepin up fast and i told him he had to ask me...haha. it was my last prom and i was feeling extra girly and wanted to be asked in a super cool way. most high schools do that from what ive heard. but saint croix wasn't huge about that stuff. he was just like "fiiiiiiiine, i will". i can't believe i gave him so much crap when he had something planned all along. around two weeks before prom, right after school got out for the day, i was walking out to my car after with a few girl friends who were being extra hyper and bouncing around...i was just like alright calm down. i see my car in the distance and there is a HUGE yellow smiley face balloon tied to my car just floating in the breeze. idk if i was having a huge brain malfunction that day but in my head i was thinking "oh thats so nice, a balloon on my car. cute. anyways" i thought nothing of it!! my friends were still freaking out! then i reached into my purse to grab my keys and i had NO KEYS!!! what the crap people!! my friend handed them to me with a large grin on her face and thats when i started to get confused and wonder what was going on. i open the doors and there is a fuzzy bear plopped on my seat holding a cd that says "play me". i pop the cd in and its the dude im going to prom with! he made an entire song for me!! its a 2-3 minute song of him and his guitar playing a lovely tune with lyrics asking me to prom =( =( =( so precious! a tear dropped and i ran back inside school and found the kid and i think i punched him and was like "naaa im going to pass" haha im such a jerk. i dont take compliments well or nice gestures done for me, i always get shy and react the opposite way i should. i need to work on that. but seriously, that was the best gift ever given to me and nothing has topped it!

now onto the name of Bangs the bear. of course, i kept the bear and it meant the world to me, however time kept passing and the poor thing wasn't named. the guy who gave it to me kept asking "have you named it yet??? have you?? huh??" and i always responded "no...not yet...but soooon! i promise!" still time kept flying by and he was nameless, no identity. one fine afternoon i went to Rocco's, my hair salon, to get a new hair cut. i got some crazy chick with a mohawk. dont get me wrong, i LOVE chicks with mohawks. i wish i had the guts to do that cuz it looks sweet. check out the youtube video for "you are the one" by shiny toy guns. AMAZING style this girl has! but id rather not have mohawk girl cut my hair because i feel like she would want to convince me to go nuts and chop off my long locks too! thats kind of what happened.......yeah yikes. she kept the length (which was down to the middle of my back) but made layers in it that were 4 inches from my scalp. wow that looked great....not. and my beloved bangs...oh my goodness. if any of you know me, my bangs are like my security blanket. i got bangs in senior year of high school and cant go back. maybe its also because i am self conscious about my large forehead. whatever the case, i have them and love them. and mohawk girl chopped them offffff!! they were super short, like in the middle of my forehead! great. for some odd reason i still tipped her and smiled and said "thanks" and went home to mourn the awful butcher haircut. the guy that took me to prom came over to hang out after i got my hair cut. we both arrived at my house around the same time so i didnt even have time to hide the atrocious hack job. i dont remember his reaction to my new look, probably something lame like "its beautiful, you look great". thank the Lord for men and their kind hearts, it makes me smile =) i do remember my reaction...BALLING!!!!! not that i am vain and ill die without my hair but hey im a girl, and my hair matters. i love doing my hair and being able to put it up or curl it or do whatever. hair is essential haha. so i curled up in a ball on my bed and just cried because i didnt know what i was going to do with this mess of a mess. nice guy sitting on my bed decides to be cute and say this great line..."wellllll since you dont have your bangs anymore, the bear can be your comfort now and his name can be bangs so you have BANGS!!!!!" cute, right? i thought so. somehow the name stuck and now i can't imagine my brown bear to be named anything else! love it.

ha another very current and hilarious story. i was in the break room about 10 minutes ago finishing up my lunch and i went to grab something from my purse UNDER the table and i did so. i must have perceived the distance wrong and when i was extending my body up to stand, i smaccckkkked the top of my head hardcore into the table!!!!! OUCH OUCH OUCH!!! i grabbed my head in pain and just stood there not knowing what to do. now i feel light headed and my stomach feels weird. concussion maybe? geeez, my luck. there is a nice lump growing on my noggin now. niiiiiice. i told my friend kendal via email and she responds "oh you're blonde, makes sense" JERK!!!

enough with the stories. sorry to be boring. wellllll as i continue my walk through Romans, I find myself overwhelmed with the wisdom Paul has and how he doesnt waste one sentence, one word. each and every part of the chapters i have read have been jam packed. so i actually dont do a chapter a day sometimes, rather a paragraph and then disect it and pray about it and seek the meaning and all that. im a very analytical reader and have to read things multiple times to wrap my head around it.

i read the bible a lot at work on Biblegateway.com. its not nearly as sweet as reading a hard copy where i can hold it and mark all over it and highlight and underline (im obsessed). but i love that i can be at work at my teller station reading God's word on my computer. heck yes technology!

im working through Romans chapter 8 right now, its very dense and im not going to get into detail now of all my thoughts...probably later tonight. i have a huge quiet time planned to get through this chapter. but one thing i do want to share is how i have been feeling lately...

EXPOSED...

like okay let me explain. i find myself really desiring to do things for God's kingdom or saying things that affirm my faith in Him but my intentions don't match up. its really frustrating. its like my intentions are stemming from a selfish heart...im doing these things or saying these things because i SHOULD because i am a christian. don't get me wrong...i do things out of love for my Savior a lot. but lately, ive been wrapped up in myself. yuck. "a lot" is not good enough for me...i want my actions to be constant...a lifestyle. i want pure intentions. God has been whispering in my ear lately, saying things like "do you really mean that"....or..."do you really trust me"...or..."are you going to do the opposite of what you just said"....ect. one huge thing i am trying to grasp and be at peace with is accepting things to happen in Gods timing. i find myself almost trying to work around him like he won't see the deepest part of my heart feeling the opposite way. i will say to myself and pronounce it to the world that i am patient and i trust God and things will happen according to His will and His timing...however underneath it all, i'll make plans to force these things to happen according to my time and the convenience of my current situation. but somehow convince myself that i am putting everything in His hands....when i am not...

why would i want control of anything? im a sinner. why wouldnt i want my precious life in the powerful hands of my creator? yes i need to work on that.

so i can talk the talk....to anyone. but am i walking the true and faithful walk? only concerned with God's will in mind...? hmmmmm

so im just frustrated with myself lately because God is really exposing my intentions. not to other people, but to myself. i see it. i feel my intentions not matching up with God, its an awful aching sensation. i have never desired more to be selfless. and to be pure. i want my heart to be alligned with God's desires. a pure and beautiful SELFLESS heart.

this i pray for =) purity of mind, heart, and soul.

a renewing if you will...

this one was long as usual...i spend 2-3 days on my blogs. maybe i should break them up? ill try! you will all be hearing from me soon with some Romans chatter

song of the day- "where were you" by every avenue

Peace