myblackheels

evolution + spanish + amy = dropping out of school

2010-02-03T10:55:00.000-08:00

como estas? bien? those words pretty much sum up my knowledge about spanish...maybe some others...trabajar, hacer, frutas, ect. its a pretty easy language to learn from what i have heard. i need a foreign language for my major, which i guess makes sense because i am majoring in communication studies. why wouldnt i be well rounded in another language? i am frickin supposed to impress people with my comm skills, so why not bust out something other than english? since the day i decided to transfer to the u of m, i was dreading the start of my spanish classes and it has begun. DEATH! thank the Lord, he blessed me with fellow classmates who are just as confused as i am and after we are told to do a certain activity we look at each other and say "do you know what she said??"...the class has seriously become a highlight of my day because i am laughing through the whole thing...completely confused and wondering how i will manage to press through this 5 credit class (yeah 5 credits....seriously? classes should not be allowed this many credits... its like a full time job)

theeennnnnnn i get the joyous experience of experiencing anthropology-human evolution-this semester. how lucky am i??? i get to "learn" all about my ancestors-the apes, the good ol monkeys. boy am i proud of what i evolved from. or what i was selected from...right? uh yeah not sure. school is hard for me...ask anyone that knows me-ive said "im dropping out" around 4-5 times a week. drama queen? yeah i guess you can call me that. regardless, even though school is a challenge, i can listen and learn and really apply myself if i need to. never in my highschool/college education have i taken a class where i literally want to throw my textbook into the bottom of the ocean and plug my ears with cotton balls because hearing all the garbage in those lectures drives me crazy. i want to stand up and scream and yell "i wasn't randomly selected! i did NOT evolve from some snail that turned into a chimp that turned into me! i was preciously CREATED, i was CHOSEN, i was knit together in my mothers womb, i am here for a REASON, i am special, i am loved, i have a purpose, i have a caring FATHER who knew me before i was born...i was made by the one and only...the almighty creator of the entire universe!!"

doesn't that sound...better? ...real? doesn't that make you want to live?

man would i get stares, and in all honesty i would never do that. im not typically brave, only in rare circumstances. and i dont think that would even be appropriate. but this class got my brain really really thinking and my heart seeking....why dont i believe all this? natural selection? evolution and what not? it does make sense, it has an explanation for why we are here. it is simple and seems to make sense. it bothered me, it made me feel uncomfortable...if i was called out by that professor and she said "young lady, what do you believe"...i would say "i believe in God, the creator" but wouldnt be able to elaborate

i can say with confidence i believe in God, i believe in eternal life and i believe i was made for a purpose...but i feel ashamed to not have a clue why evolution is wrong. who would have ever guessed God placed me in an awful class for a reason. he desires for me to learn so much MORE about him...the stuff that really makes me want to gag (science) but i guess it is that time. my walk with the Lord has been strong for the past couple of years and ive been pushing off crucial parts of the bible, such as creation and the end times. if its complicated, it irritates me and i will just take the basics...."i was created by God in 7 days" or "i know i will go to heaven"...simple...but i know God wants me to KNOW more. so ill dig deep this semester...real deep! id love to take all my anthropology information and bring it to one of my pastors at church and discuss what the Bible has to say in defense to all this bogus mumbo jumbo!

am i right people????? why dont we always take things a step further? and really figure out why God has us where he has us. it is no mistake where you are every second of every day, its planned.

be at comfort, and find peace...your life is not random :)

oh and btw, i am taking on a pretty sweet challenge during this fine year of 2010...i am reading the one year Bible...talk about discipline...doing anything daily (other than texting and eating) is tough for me. so as most of you have probably noticed, you'll be getting plenty of verses from me from day to day because i cant help but share the goodness of the word :) okay well i must study for espanol!!!!! estoy muy nervioso! its a great feeling going into the exam knowing i took the class pass/fail......ahhhhhhh soooooo grrrreat!

song of the day-"say what you will" by nural

peace

did someone press the repeat button?

2009-11-01T07:12:00.000-08:00

it is sunday morning...it is early...halloween was last night...we got an extra hour of sleep...and here i am-BLOGGING! every reason in the world to sleep in and i have been up for a hour already. i tossed and turned all night and slept terribly which is strange because i got barely any sleep the night before and slept on a couch (you know when you sleep on a couch your sleep will only be half as good, its an expected crap night of sleep) hmmmm the only reason i can come up with is that God wants me here, right now in this moment to share my heart. or it could be that my mind is so awesome and knows i have SO MUCH HW that it woke me up to get me started on that blasted hw...but that is unlikely...

i have been informed that i am a song killer...an ultimate music ruiner. i suck all the goodness out of lovely music and amazing songs because i am an obsessive "repeat" listener. oops haha sorry to be annoying. i am well aware of this obnoxious condition i have because i will play the same song over and over again in my car (when i am completely alone of course) but no one was supposed to ever find this out. so when i was a freshman at winona state i lived in a single room (best decision i ever made...wow spoiled freshman i was, and i wouldnt have had it any other way haha) and i lived next to a girl named sarah and we didnt really talk a lot just because we had different friends and what not. no neighbor hate or anything, we just hadnt bonded yet :) so this was during my jordin sparks phase and i was reaaaallllllly into tattoo...disgustingly into that song, oh my, it was bad. i played it religiously from morning until night. so a few months passed and sarah and i actually became the bestest of friends (shes actually my roomie in the cities now) so with this new beautiful friendship came HONESTY and sarah thought it would be so funny to tell me what she thought of me when she first met me...EMBARRASSING! every single time i played that tattoo song, sarah would text her friends and tell them "she is playing the song again!!!" and they would all talk about me and my crazy obsession with that song....totally thought i was a weirdo. everytime i was thoroughly enjoying some jordin sparks, i was being teased behind my back. it was around this time i realized my habit had been exposed and since then many, and i mean MANY people have made fun of me for my love for the repeat button.

i have no problem admitting that my repeat button on itunes is one of my very closest friends :) and ill never change the way i listen to music...im doing it as we speak! ive listened to "keeping pace with planes" by conditions at least 7 times in the last hour. i cant help it, the song is so so good. what isnt so so good is that i literally feel like someone pressed the repeat button on me and my life.......and it is frustrating

everything feels the same. i can expect how my entire week will go. i can expect if something isnt going to work out and then ill be disappointed...i can expect that nothing super exciting is going to happen...i can expect i will feel really angry/frustrated at least 4 times tomorrow...i can expect i will cry once this week because of school stressing me out...i can expect that ill be working monday, wednesday, and saturday this week...i can expect i wont make time to go running today...i can expect ill vacuum my rug twice this week because it attracts every fuzz in my room...i can expect this week will drag by and everyday that i wake up i wont want to go to class, rather stay in bed and watch TLC. i can simply expect that this week will be like every other week...no passion, no deep talks, no discoveries, no zest, no adventures, nothing that makes me laugh so hard my stomach burns, nothing that will make me so overjoyed i want to scream...nothing new. in all honesty, i actually have NO expectations of anything. its like im living in the land of the bla...everything is on repeat.

i feel like im drowning in a dry land...

maybe some of you are experiencing this...and maybe not. it could be that its the middle of the semester and i am deathly sick of the same routine over and over again...and im in need of a good holiday break. i kind of thought halloween would bring something really fun and exciting, totally wrong. i called my friend haylee to actually talk about this last night, every single halloween and new years eve we both think to ourselves "this year is going to be different, its going to be crazy fun, i will make sure something sweet happens!" and every year we end up doing the complete opposite like babysitting on halloween or going to bed at 10pm alone on new years eve. honestly depressing.

so i kinda figured out why my life may be on repeat or in other words, passionless. i went to winona to visit some friends on friday night and these are the people i spent the last two years with...they were my first college friends. the ones that were really there during my transition into a real christ follower. they know every detail about me and my life and we all are very open people who love to discuss what God is doing in our lives. sharing advice and praying for one another is what we do and it is just beautiful when i am with these girls :) God is so present. so i havent visited my winona lovers since august, a whole 2 long aching months have passed. when i used to go to school with them, we would talk about what God is doing in our hearts/relationships/lives on a daily basis...and now that i go to the U of M, i really only have that freedom on sunday nights at my small group. when i arrived at my friend jens apartment, we sat down to a lovely stir fry dinner and i couldnt stop talking and sharing and venting. jen is at a very similar place in her walk with God as i am and we understand each other really well so it was like the easiest thing to just rip open my heart and be real with her.

i realized what i was missing these past 2 months...REAL community, REAL fellowship within a church or a ministry...

i do have wonderful community and fellowship through the Rock, the church i go to, but i dont see these amazing people every day all day or live a floor above them to always be able to discuss life with them. thats hard. very hard. (looks like im gona need to make more of an effort haha sleepover anyone???) not only did i realize i was lacking in rich community and fellowship with other people who are after God's heart, i was also lacking in the growth that comes from community and fellowship in a church. i have been in the word a lot this school year, seeking wisdom from proverbs but i was feeling like all these words and verses were filtering through my heart. they werent sticking and allowing me to grow. and this is what i have discovered...

Gods word can't grow in you if you read it like a book. reading it daily without any application or discussion leaves you lost. of course it is necessary you have quiet times and read the Bible on your own and find what God is showing you BUT i do believe that it is essential to have others you can explore God's word with and share what you are learning. growth works differently for all of us, but my eyes were opened to see that i grow most when i am talking with others about my journey and God gives me insight through our conversation and i become very passionate as we discuss our struggles and joys. i dont grow alone, i cant grow alone. we as christians grow as a body. and i completely lost that vision in the past few months. we become distant and lose our passion when we try to walk this walk alone...it wasnt meant to be like that!!! we dont have to do this alone. be vulnerable, seek out community and fellowship, and find brothers and sisters you can be REAL with....and i think youll start to feel your heart again :) i promise.

this was a long one but what i needed to get off my chest, and its probably choppy and confusing because i am STARVING and cant concentrate! its time to make some egg, sausage, and bagel sandwiches for breakfast...yummmm. youre jealous, i know. i pray you have the most fruitful week and continue to always grow :)

song of the day (well i really recommend you listen to the one i mentioned in this post, the lyrics are similar to what i had been feeling for awhile) otherwise id say pump it up and listen to "keep the party alive" by family force 5....one of their new songs!

peace

well hello jello

2009-10-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

it is so weird to look back at my old posts and see where i was and who i was and what in the world was going on in my life and in my head. interesting. is it strange that i feel like i am a completely different person? i guess...maybe i was? its totally possible. at this time in life (for us college students i guess...sorry if you are like 50 and reading my blog...or if you are 15...? deal i guess haha) we are changing every day. dont you agree? for however many years you are in school or even if you dont go to school, this time in life...like early 20's is CRUCIAL for development. freshman year in college seems like so long ago...i can barely even remember the tiny details. i dont like that...i dont like watching such amazing memories slip away from me. can i just hold on a littler longer? oh and for you freshman in college this year, here is my advice (yeah i am at the age now where i definitely feel like i have at least a small amount of wisdom to give...so frickin take it)

-please dont be dumb...you know what that applies to

-cherish every single care package you get from your beloved mommy (i got 1...im a junior ha)

-surround yourself with people who love, support, and encourage you

-dont forget about your friends back home, the ones that were there for you during your obnoxious hs years

-find out what you are passionate about (this sounds so deep...yeah maybe it is. stop sitting in your lofted bed gaining the freshman 15 and get involved...you'll find what you love to do through these opportunities...i did! comm studies baby!)...swallow your fears and do it

-dont go home every weekend...if you hate college with everything inside of you and you are so homesick you begin to cry just reading this...just TRUST and dont go home. stay around, see what God gives you...he'll come through for you. i promise

-take the easy classes, have fun your first semester.

-purchase as much clothes as you can from your school as possible...you can really only get away with wearing college sweatpants, shirts, hats, ect for your college years. afterwards, you will probably get dirty looks. DECK OUT NOW

-go on one road trip a month to get the heck out of the dorms! even if it is a hour trip to the nearest chipotle (yes i did many of these :) haha)

-can you please just have as much fun as possible????? enjoy these special years

oh and if you arent happy and you feel like you should transfer, drop out, follow after a dream, travel, work, or do a missions trip or something....why not? dont be afraid. sincerely follow your heart and dont do school if you hate it.

this was all probably obvious stuff but sometimes people need to be reminded that YOU do have a choice. you guys are big kids now...do what you want-even if it doesnt make sense at all. thats what i did. i have a story of my own now and most of the time it makes no sense, what makes sense is that it feels right and God wants me here. i decided to surrender my life to God last year, and said to Him "do what you will...do what you will". out of nowhere i made the decision to transfer to the U of M, leaving a great school, irreplaceable friends, and the only life i knew...all because i didnt feel right in winona. so here i am guys!!!!! remember when i blogged about the whole upcoming transferring transition and what not, and how terrified i was??? well take a look at amy lancette now...I DID IT!!

I have managed to do this much change in my life in the past month....eeeesshh!

-transferred to the U of M (insanely huge, but such a perfect fit for me)

-moved to st. paul, MN (please come visit me soon)

-joined a church (the rock in minneapolis...oh come visit me and then we'll go to church together haha, its an amazing time!!!)

-became a leader of the outreach team at the Intervarsity campus ministry at the U

-taking the city bus (oh the stories you will hear!!!!! bahaha!) every day to class

-oh....one of my best friends got engaged and is getting married in less than 4 months!

-two new wonderful roomies...shout out to meghan huberty and sarah galbrecht (who just told me she had a dream she kissed a 12 year old boy....haaaaaahaha! she will be slightly unhappy that i posted this but oh well, loves you!)

-my sister is preggo and due in may

-my other sister got married this past july

pretty much my life has drastically changed and i really am loving it so far. i want to thank everyone who was praying for me. i was soooo scared, no words could even explain! it is all becoming routine now and everything is coming together. one huge change i love is having MY OWN PLACE!!! i dont have to share a bathroom or shower with 30 some other girls, i dont have to walk up a hall and then go to the left then go to the right then down a tunnel to get to a frickin ghetto kitchen to make my scooby mac. i can make my own meals and bake and cook all day long until the sun rises the next day :) its my perfect little home! and im living in the cities people....ahh such delight! what i am most excited for is the opportunities God has blessed me with. the rock church has already impacted my life so much and being a leader at Intervarsity is what ive wanted for so long...its time to change lives on campus! i have amazing small groups through both organizations and have met the most legit awesome people. mmmm God has a plan far bigger than i could have ever pictured :) :) :) (yes three smiley faces for that comment, God is so much bigger than anything in my life...its truly amazing)

well i am doing what i always do...blab about nothing of importance but i just wanted to give any devoted followers a lil taste of what my life is like now. from here on out, my blog posts will be more condensed and probably just about the most random stuff that happens to me and just sharing how my wonderful heavenly father comes through for me and changes my life right before my eyes. whenever i hear stories about how God works in peoples lives, i get super pumped and excited...so i thought maybe my stories could do that for any of you.

ENJOY...facebook me messages if you have any thoughts or comments, great!

song of the day-"indian lover" by lakes

peace

No One Said It Was Going To Be Easy

2009-04-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

it seems that so much time has passed since ive written that i would have HUGE news by now. i wish i could say my sister is finally preggo!! nope. her husband decided he doesnt want a december baby so no trying for awhile. haha they are so silly. i wish i could say that i have some awesome job lined up for the summer!! nope. no idea. the bank again maybe? i hope so because i make good money but i want some adventure and i want to be outdoors this summer, maybe even working with the youth at teens for christ =) the whole job situation is up in the air...great economy we have. LOVE it. ive heard rumors that Aldi grocery store pays their cashiers $12 a hour!!!!! now if you are reading this and live in hudson, please dont be a meany and steal this job from me! heehee. im going to go check it out this weekend and see what they got going on. how boring though, seriously. let me scan fruit and bags of fritos all day. sweet. i also wish i could say i knew where the heck i was going to live starting in august of 2009...

wait...maybe you don't know the news. do you know the news? well let me tell you =) I am proud to announce that i was accepted into the Universtiy of Minnesota, Twin Cities for fall 2009. I found this out about a month ago but i havent blogged since then so the news seems to be quite dry and old now. almost annoying. doesnt it always work that way though? whenever you find out amazing, exciting news you are bouncing off the walls for a good eight hours telling everyone in sight. then reality sinks in and you forget that with great new opportunities comes hard work and a scary transition. getting a new job or promotion is crazy exciting but then you realize you have to work with new people in a new place and be challenged beyond your knowledge. whenever my sister does find out shes having a baby, everyone will be freaking out and soo happy! but then she will realize shes bringing another life into this world which is scary. and for nine months shes probably going to get really uncomfortable and be in a lot of pain. thats life though isnt it? full of mystery and risk and of course even the best thing is not perfect.

can i be honest here? for some reason i am not into writing my thoughts in my paper journal lately which i usually do daily. i feel really constricted writing lately. its AWFUL. im totally avoiding my journal, whenever i see it i get this surge of guilt and im like ahhhhhhhh. does my journal even have feelings??? noooo!! haha! i feel like it hates me and is wondering why i havent shared my thoughts. it probably even has dust on it. AND as you can tell, ive avoided writing in my blog too which i love to do regularly. i know that disciplining myself to write these posts is really good for me. i hate routines because i suck at committing. i love commitment in any type of personal relationship, but commitments to things that push me...like a diet or running schedule or early morning quiet times or flossing my teeth or praying every night...ROUGH! whenever im pushed or challenged, i tend to back out. maybe not right away but eventually. keeping this blog going is good because i want to continue practicing writing for my communication studies major. because one day i really do hope to write a book (ha im embarrassed to admit this beacuase im not much of a dreamer...im realistic. but i really do want to write a book!!!!) and how am i going to get better at writing? duuhhh, writing to all you wonderful people through my bloggidy blog.

and i also know its good for me to vent in my blog. people constantly comment on how they appreciate my honesty in my posts so ill keep it coming =) i keep a lot bottled in lately and im going through one of those phases where i feel like literallly not one person knows everything that is going on in my heart and head and daily life. one of those times where im feeling "lost in a sea of faces". which is probably my fault because i distance myself from people when i know im leaving or not going to see them anymore because i dont want the pain to kill me when i say goodbye. i want to avoid getting any closer to winona and all my brothers and sisters through intervarsity because its going to make me want to stay and not make the big transition to minneapolis. this, my friends, is not okay. its an intense protection mechanism ive developed over the years, especially from a broken heart from the past bf. im terrified of getting super close to people. if i keep a distance i cant get close enough to feel the pain of losing them. make sense? ive definitely overcome that this year A LOT. but this lil protection of mine came creeping back with this transferring situation. who wouldnt protect their heart? who wants to hurt? yeah.

overall though, i am stoked. terrified but thrilled!! you know whats funny, i have always thought about going to the U of M but never thought it was a possibility. i wrote a blog way back about how i didnt know if i should pursue an education at Bethel or the U. i got feedback from many people saying that Bethel isnt the place to go. so on a whim i applied at the U. and two months later i received a lovely voicemail congratulating me on my admittance =) =) =) im so not even close to ready in any way to go there. mentally, emotionall, spiritually, physically (you have to walk like 30min to get to class!!!!! aahhh!) but i have time and the Lord is faithful and my relationship is so strong with Him right now and i know im honoring his plan and will by taking this large leap. plans are to live with three amazing girl friends in a house or appartment in dinkytown. my own place, wooohooo! no more dorm! the thing i am most excited for is getting involved at a church called The Rock. its about time i get to be apart of a real church!!! ive never had that! i was raised lutheran, going to a WELS lutheran church lacking everything i needed: an authentic relationship with my heavenly father, community, passion, fellowship, desire, accountability, relative topics, contemporary music...a real body of christ devoted to serving and following and sharing the good news! The Rock seems to have all this and more, and its made up of mostly college students and young couples. ive been involved in intervarsity here at winona the past two years and my faith has grown substantially but its time i take another step and become part of something even more real and more deep. its nice because the service is on fridays night which will help with the transition from winona because our college minsitry here through pleasant valley church does worship on friday nights which is called Breathe. I always knew what i was doing friday nights here, going to Breathe to sing my heart out for three hours! once i get to the U, i again will have my friday nights spent with my savior =)

i have this huge topic i want to touch on and its been consuming me lately! thoughts about romantic relationships and men and women and how its all supposed to work. love languages and who real women of God are and real men of God are. im now reading Wild at Heart and its soo interesting and id like to say a few things, so next post...be prepared! i bet it will spark intense conversations/discussions/arguments...and im excited haha

my lovely friend kendal introduced me to Cory Asbury (not in person) and i am in love with his CD!!! he is one of the main worship leaders at IHOP(International House of Prayer) and im telling you...his stuff is good! not a lot is on itunes yet but if you would like to meet me on aim for a little date, i can send them to you!!

songs of the day- "closer", "where i belong", "holy", "you are my hope" all by cory asbury

Peace

Looks That Kill

2009-03-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

with every agonozing step i take, my feet burn and throb. there is no feeling in my big toes. the "click click click" isnt synchronized and powerful, rather off beat and wobbly. i feel as if my ankles will snap any second due to my shakey legs. this is not fun, i dont feel more feminine. i definitely am in someone elses shoes...literally.

it is a sunday morning and id honestly do anything to be in church right now. im craving it!! i want to be in my Fathers house, desperately. its been almost two months since i have been to church. AWFUL. when applying for associated bank, i asked for two sundays off a month so that i could attend pleasant valley church. they understood and agreed. promises have not been kept. "religious practices" dont seem to be that high of an importance...lame. i work every sunday possible and when i do have one off a month i enjoy getting out of winona for the weekend and usually plan a roadtrip to see a friend at a university i havent been to! i get the last weekend off in march and im going to MADISON!!!!! i am sooo EXCITED! i have never visited the great town of madison (even though ive lived in wisconsin my whole life) and im pretty sure its going to be a frickin rockin time! anyways, so yes i am sitting in associated bank inside hyvee...watching all the families frolick around in their churchy outfits picking out groceries for the week. "to the left" by beyonce is playing in the background and im annoyed... straight up jealous of alllll my friends who are comfortably sitting in church listening to pastor ricks phenomenal message that will leave them renewed-mind, soul, heart, body. God speaks through pastor rick like no one else i know. go to PVC if you havent gotten the chance! be ready to have your life changed =)

not only am i here on a gorgeous spring morning that i could be spending worshipping God, my feet are in major trauma. MAJOR! the lovely kayla stopped by my room yesterday to borrow some clothes and accessories to doll up for a date night with a bunch of friends. she left with a sweet T of mine that looked better on her than me (dangit!! haha) and a lacey black tank and some black flats. she looked AMAZING! it never occurred to me that i would need need neeeeed those shoes back today. i already woke up late because i could not pull myself out of bed, i felt like i had woken up inside a fluffy warm cloud-pillows and blankets EVERWHERE!! and i was in the middle of the gloriousness, feeling super content =) it was 9:29 and i needed to leave at 9:35....alright all i need to do it put my shoes on and get my things together. where the crap are my shoes?!?!?! it was a mad house, i went crazy, i was throwing clothes everywhere (steph and i literally have piles upon piles of clothes all over our floor right now)...starting to get pissed, the clock is ticking, and i am shoeless! i started to think to myself, "maybe i will wear flip flops...or...clogs" really amy...really? i snapped out of my idiocy and decided to look at stephanies shoes. heeeeeeel city!!! gold closed toe heels, black stiletto heels with diamond ankle straps, and plain black closed toe thick heels. i looked at all of them and immediately thought DEATH. looks like the third pair were going to be ones. why me???? four hours standing on sticks??? oh because that makes sense! NOT! i admire heels but im a wedge kind of girl. fullllll support is what i need. people like sarah jessica parker in sex and the city blows me away with her ability to wear heels as if its something like socks-you just put them on everyday. i strapped those bad boys on and got a rush of confidence thinking "hey im wearing heels to work, this could be fun! im going to rock it and actually look dressy for once!!!" yeah the walk through the parking lot drained any confidence i had. i started to strut my stuff to my car, trying to get used to the feeling of walking on my tippy toes. i was so uncoordinated and goofy looking. wobbling back and forth, my right ankle decided to hate me and team with the devil and it just GAVE OUT!! i did one of those half falls where my body started to collapse immediately to the right but i caught myself by taking 25 mini baby steps forward to find balance and flailing my arms upward towards the sky like a crazy sun worshipper! i didnt smack my face into the pavement!!! GLORY HALLELUJAH!!! i did one of those awkward look-arounds to see who in the world saw that embarrassing show...ha no one. at least not that i know of.

i got to work and everyone has been commenting on my height. weird. i embrace my shortness. i dont like being a tall tree. 5'4 is where its at! ive been sitting since i got here, its just too painful to stand. not to mention, i have high arches. ouch. i journied to the bakery to buy the team some breakfast, wow that was the worst idea ever! i thought i was going to collapse in one of the aisles and crush my muffins during the fall. by the way, the bakery is on the opposite side of the store...pretty much states away. i wanted to cut my feet off when i got back. following after the steps of dude in the Saw move...bahahaha!! ish

this may be weird but wearing these heels today got me thinking. im not the biggest fan of analogies because mine dont make sense and analogies in general can be cheesy. but hey, today my mind is trying something new. sooo these heels arent mine...they are stephanies. they werent bought to fit me, they are totally wrong for my skinny, shapeless feet. i have awesome shiny black pumps that fit me perfectly and i wore them alllll weekend! they felt good and didnt cause me pain. i could walk with my head held high, knowing i wasnt going to fall. my goodness, black pumps with a nice pair of jeans is probably one of my favorite looks!

identity: something we all struggle with. who we are inside and out. before last week, i was really struggling with who i was. satans nagging lies kept pouring into my head, saying things like "who are you really??"or "nothing sets you apart, youre like everyone else!!" or "change, change, change this about yourself...youre not good enough". i felt invisible. as small as an ant. unfortunately satan knows us, he knows our most pitiful desires, the weakest areas of our hearts, and our most uncomfortable insecurities. he uses our weaknesses in his favor, sick twisted jerk! because i suddenly started to question myself and not like what i was seeing in the mirror, satan took advantage and ate away at the few things i still was confident in. in most social situations, i am the one who talks...i lead...and i offer...and i never feel uncomfortable voicing my opinion. i love to talk! suddenly in every social occurance, the devil would write "dont speak" on my heart. i questioned everything, i hated what came out of my mouth, i thought i sounded stupid, i didnt think i was funny, i thought i seemed awkward. i hated speaking...it was too risky. i hid from anything that involved me talking. it was the loudest lie ive ever experienced..."DONT SPEAK, DONT OFFER!" i didnt know who i was, i missed me. talkative, confident, goofy amy.

i guess i found my tragic shoe story relating to my spiritual battle. when i believed satan's lies, i felt like i needed to change who i was...completely reshape myself as a person and find new qualities that hopefully everyone else would LOVE. i decided to leave my identity behind and create a new one. i tried to fit into an identity of my own. i focused so much time and energy on myself...ME...MY NEEDS, MY WANTS, MY FAULTS, MY QUALITIES, MY WORTH...ect. for weeks i would wake up and try and think of new ways to change what i would normally do and be a different person, hoping to find peace and reassurance that i was a better person. i even found myself trying to be like friends of mine, hoping that if i fit into their identity, i would be happy and accepted like they are. pretty much it came down to being a new me and waiting to see if people saw and liked this new amy better. i was seeking affirmation in others, affirmation that my identity was enough. not good...that is the path to destruction!

visualize this with me now...when i put these heels on, these heels that are not my own. it felt weird and uncomfortable and i fell instantly. i struggled all day and the pain got increasingly worse. when we focus on our own identity as a human being, or try and fit into someone else's identity, we completely lose ourselves. this is the truth: when we know Christ fully, we will know ourselves. i lost sight of that, in all areas! when we try to be someone we are not, it hurts. when we try to mold ourselves into what others want, it fails and we stumble...because we are going against what Christ created us to be!!! I WAS CREATED TO BE A TALKER!!! haha! and as soon as i believed that my gift was a curse, i lost who i was. i tried to be someone else, it didnt work.

our IDENTITY is in CHRIST....alone.

where was i? in the devils claws...completely. i believed every lie and it was so painful. as soon as i started praying for a pure heart that only saw God (this was in my last blog) i was delivered. not instantly...but throughout a week, God delivered...His peace and purity. He swept me up into a joy that ive never felt before. His love was something i could touch and feel, in every area of my being!!!!! i trusted Him with myself and He took care of me and protected me from the devils lies!!!! HOW SWEEEET!

who would have guessed that all of this insight would have come from borrowing my roomies heels??? God works through anything, absolutely anything. we cant find our identity in ourselves, our accomplishments, clothes or anything of this world. and we especially cant find our identity in others and trying to be like others. again, we are who we are through christ. if you lose focus of that, the heel wont fit, it wont be comfortable, and youll have a long painful walk ahead of you...

BE YOU =)

songs (i cant pick one or the other!!) of the day- "scene change" or "take it home" by the white tie affair

Peace

Exposed

2009-03-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

day numero tres of amy's spring break in winona. cheers to solitude! =)

well i got back tuesday morning and spent my first night back in the dorms. waking up here and getting ready in a cave of silence is weird. im somewhat adjusted already, which really surprises me because as i have said before, I DESPISE change haha. its the truth. but maybe the transition hasn't been so bad because loads of people and activities and gatherings and catching up wasn't all thrown at me. i just came back to a hot dark room with the blinds shut and a musty smell that settled all around. my roomie most definitely left her birthday cake sitting on the futon and her favorite stuffed animal (Henry-aka-Head Banger Henry) behind and she left me a huge note on her white board calendar...what a JOY to come back to a special message!! i was sooo happy! so yeah...tuesday night...it was me and Bangs (my most favorite stuffed animal bear ever! he contours to every position of mine when i sleep and he is sooo soft, i couldnt live without this bear) we chilled and ate pizza hut and facebook chatted with some pals and watched a movie and some weird show on miracle babies. then hit the sack quite early. last night i saw Fired Up with some girls who also stayed around winona for spring break. we were the only ones in the theater and laughed our heads off at this absolutely stupid movie! so far, spring break has rocked!

haha okay soooo maybe you are wondering where the name Bangs came from? maybe not? i have to tell this story because it is hilarious! so let us take a trip down memory lane back to Saint Croix Lutheran High School in West Saint Paul. my first school! i was homeschooled k-8 and then moved onto a real school, a private school, a tiny school, a school that holds so many fond memories of mine. this past monday night, my sister and i were reminiscing about high school and looking at pics we took at track meets and dances and we both took in huge sighs and couldnt believe that we actually missed it. the carefree life of a teen, the lunch tables (you couldnt leave the one you decided to sit with...it would cause intense drama), locker buddies, getting kicked out of the library, chapel, homecoming, prom...ect...good times! anywho so it was my senior year and prom was coming up fast! i think allllll the girls were talking about it constantly every day starting in JANUARY! around march/april, i wrote my friend a note in British Literature asking if he would be interested in going to prom with me. he said yes =) what a doll. may was creepin up fast and i told him he had to ask me...haha. it was my last prom and i was feeling extra girly and wanted to be asked in a super cool way. most high schools do that from what ive heard. but saint croix wasn't huge about that stuff. he was just like "fiiiiiiiine, i will". i can't believe i gave him so much crap when he had something planned all along. around two weeks before prom, right after school got out for the day, i was walking out to my car after with a few girl friends who were being extra hyper and bouncing around...i was just like alright calm down. i see my car in the distance and there is a HUGE yellow smiley face balloon tied to my car just floating in the breeze. idk if i was having a huge brain malfunction that day but in my head i was thinking "oh thats so nice, a balloon on my car. cute. anyways" i thought nothing of it!! my friends were still freaking out! then i reached into my purse to grab my keys and i had NO KEYS!!! what the crap people!! my friend handed them to me with a large grin on her face and thats when i started to get confused and wonder what was going on. i open the doors and there is a fuzzy bear plopped on my seat holding a cd that says "play me". i pop the cd in and its the dude im going to prom with! he made an entire song for me!! its a 2-3 minute song of him and his guitar playing a lovely tune with lyrics asking me to prom =( =( =( so precious! a tear dropped and i ran back inside school and found the kid and i think i punched him and was like "naaa im going to pass" haha im such a jerk. i dont take compliments well or nice gestures done for me, i always get shy and react the opposite way i should. i need to work on that. but seriously, that was the best gift ever given to me and nothing has topped it!

now onto the name of Bangs the bear. of course, i kept the bear and it meant the world to me, however time kept passing and the poor thing wasn't named. the guy who gave it to me kept asking "have you named it yet??? have you?? huh??" and i always responded "no...not yet...but soooon! i promise!" still time kept flying by and he was nameless, no identity. one fine afternoon i went to Rocco's, my hair salon, to get a new hair cut. i got some crazy chick with a mohawk. dont get me wrong, i LOVE chicks with mohawks. i wish i had the guts to do that cuz it looks sweet. check out the youtube video for "you are the one" by shiny toy guns. AMAZING style this girl has! but id rather not have mohawk girl cut my hair because i feel like she would want to convince me to go nuts and chop off my long locks too! thats kind of what happened.......yeah yikes. she kept the length (which was down to the middle of my back) but made layers in it that were 4 inches from my scalp. wow that looked great....not. and my beloved bangs...oh my goodness. if any of you know me, my bangs are like my security blanket. i got bangs in senior year of high school and cant go back. maybe its also because i am self conscious about my large forehead. whatever the case, i have them and love them. and mohawk girl chopped them offffff!! they were super short, like in the middle of my forehead! great. for some odd reason i still tipped her and smiled and said "thanks" and went home to mourn the awful butcher haircut. the guy that took me to prom came over to hang out after i got my hair cut. we both arrived at my house around the same time so i didnt even have time to hide the atrocious hack job. i dont remember his reaction to my new look, probably something lame like "its beautiful, you look great". thank the Lord for men and their kind hearts, it makes me smile =) i do remember my reaction...BALLING!!!!! not that i am vain and ill die without my hair but hey im a girl, and my hair matters. i love doing my hair and being able to put it up or curl it or do whatever. hair is essential haha. so i curled up in a ball on my bed and just cried because i didnt know what i was going to do with this mess of a mess. nice guy sitting on my bed decides to be cute and say this great line..."wellllll since you dont have your bangs anymore, the bear can be your comfort now and his name can be bangs so you have BANGS!!!!!" cute, right? i thought so. somehow the name stuck and now i can't imagine my brown bear to be named anything else! love it.

ha another very current and hilarious story. i was in the break room about 10 minutes ago finishing up my lunch and i went to grab something from my purse UNDER the table and i did so. i must have perceived the distance wrong and when i was extending my body up to stand, i smaccckkkked the top of my head hardcore into the table!!!!! OUCH OUCH OUCH!!! i grabbed my head in pain and just stood there not knowing what to do. now i feel light headed and my stomach feels weird. concussion maybe? geeez, my luck. there is a nice lump growing on my noggin now. niiiiiice. i told my friend kendal via email and she responds "oh you're blonde, makes sense" JERK!!!

enough with the stories. sorry to be boring. wellllll as i continue my walk through Romans, I find myself overwhelmed with the wisdom Paul has and how he doesnt waste one sentence, one word. each and every part of the chapters i have read have been jam packed. so i actually dont do a chapter a day sometimes, rather a paragraph and then disect it and pray about it and seek the meaning and all that. im a very analytical reader and have to read things multiple times to wrap my head around it.

i read the bible a lot at work on Biblegateway.com. its not nearly as sweet as reading a hard copy where i can hold it and mark all over it and highlight and underline (im obsessed). but i love that i can be at work at my teller station reading God's word on my computer. heck yes technology!

im working through Romans chapter 8 right now, its very dense and im not going to get into detail now of all my thoughts...probably later tonight. i have a huge quiet time planned to get through this chapter. but one thing i do want to share is how i have been feeling lately...

EXPOSED...

like okay let me explain. i find myself really desiring to do things for God's kingdom or saying things that affirm my faith in Him but my intentions don't match up. its really frustrating. its like my intentions are stemming from a selfish heart...im doing these things or saying these things because i SHOULD because i am a christian. don't get me wrong...i do things out of love for my Savior a lot. but lately, ive been wrapped up in myself. yuck. "a lot" is not good enough for me...i want my actions to be constant...a lifestyle. i want pure intentions. God has been whispering in my ear lately, saying things like "do you really mean that"....or..."do you really trust me"...or..."are you going to do the opposite of what you just said"....ect. one huge thing i am trying to grasp and be at peace with is accepting things to happen in Gods timing. i find myself almost trying to work around him like he won't see the deepest part of my heart feeling the opposite way. i will say to myself and pronounce it to the world that i am patient and i trust God and things will happen according to His will and His timing...however underneath it all, i'll make plans to force these things to happen according to my time and the convenience of my current situation. but somehow convince myself that i am putting everything in His hands....when i am not...

why would i want control of anything? im a sinner. why wouldnt i want my precious life in the powerful hands of my creator? yes i need to work on that.

so i can talk the talk....to anyone. but am i walking the true and faithful walk? only concerned with God's will in mind...? hmmmmm

so im just frustrated with myself lately because God is really exposing my intentions. not to other people, but to myself. i see it. i feel my intentions not matching up with God, its an awful aching sensation. i have never desired more to be selfless. and to be pure. i want my heart to be alligned with God's desires. a pure and beautiful SELFLESS heart.

this i pray for =) purity of mind, heart, and soul.

a renewing if you will...

this one was long as usual...i spend 2-3 days on my blogs. maybe i should break them up? ill try! you will all be hearing from me soon with some Romans chatter

song of the day- "where were you" by every avenue

Peace

Crispy Crispy Critter

2009-02-24T12:30:00.000-08:00

i totally did not blog last week...my bad. i am curious to know if i even have any avid readers who anticipate my new posts. Probably not, because this is more for me to ramble my thoughts and be a crazy passionate lady. BUT if there are any, my deepest regrets go to you all on failing to complete a nice post last week =( forgiven?

anyways, so the last time i wrote was on valentines day. i hope you all had a wonderful love day and have memories that will last a lifetime. i unfortunately didnt hear any really sweet stories...does anyone have any?? i was so excited for the day after valentines to hear about jaw dropping events that would make my heart melt. i didnt hear anything about rooms full of roses or a surprise dinner...i didnt hear about any juicy poems or romantic songs...hmm i was bummed. my mom called me and told me about her and my dad's valentines date. HAHA, wow they crack me up. my parents go out to movies alllllll the time, its just their thing =) i totally get that from them...i dont think its like cliche at all to go out for dinner and a movie. i LOVE going out to a nice restaurant (haha who am i kidding, frickin take me to buffalo wild wings and ill be the happiest girl in the world...theres gotta be a lot of celery though! i dont need to go spend $30 on a plate of food...please) and then going to a movie after! its sooo relaxing and cute! so anywho, that is what my parents do probably every weekend. so they continued there tradition into love day and got some fantastic pizza (says daddio) then went to a movie. They saw "The Wrestler"...........bahahahaha! my two old folks who are just innocent and want to see a nice film and spend some quality time together saw the wrestler. My mom said she was horrified and and hid in my dads arm the whole movie because it was so gross. Poor mom had to watch men fight with torture devices....what a lovely way to end valentines day huh? and this has happened to my parents like 5 other times, you think they would start researching movies beforehand.

so i was dumb. straight up dumb yesterday. and i am most definitely paying for it today and will be for the next few days. tralala, i got off class at 1 yesterday and had the entire afternoon to do anything until my class at 5...heck i could nap, i could hang out with people, i could go for a run, i could watch some Friends, i could journal and have a quiet time, the options were ENDLESS!! mondays are like my only real days off...i am garunteed mondays off on my work schedule so i just always know i have an open day for whatever my heart desires =) so i got back to my room at like 12:55 and did the whole hands on the hip stance and just stared at my room and was like "what now....hmmm" so i sat down on the fu (we do not call it a futon...haha it is our beloved FU!) and decided to go on Pandora and see what music they could hook me up with and that turned into a 2 1/2 hour long introverted music time! i sat there completely sucked into Joshua Radin's beautiful words with his song "I'd rather be with you" and couldn't stop seeking out new fresh music to rock my soul. its a bad addiction and itunes eats my money like nothing else. i see the clock and its like 3!!! and im just like "AMY YOU WILL NOT WASTE ANY MORE TIME!!! its your afternoon off, be productive!!" so out of all the glorious options, i decided to go tanning. i think i felt the urge because in less than a week, half my friends will be in mexico or florida...getting a golden tan and enjoying fun in the sun and relaxing for SPRING BREAK!! i however decided that working would be the best for me since i am saving up for a macbook, school, krotch rocket (it will happen, taking lessons this summer!!) and a few summer trips (TEXAS!! and hopefully Belize). so yes i am actually staying in winona for spring break =( and making mula!! i think it will be awesome though guys...seriously...i have an entire week of silence to spend with my Lord......that sounds soooo refreshing!!!!! it will be weird and ill hate some of it, but ive never really had a retreat of silence and now i get a whole week of evenings with no one and nothing to do...i want to get into the word and conquer a few books of the Bible and pray in my room for hours =) =) =) STOKED!!!! so we'll see how that goes....

continuing the tanning story!!!! i get my ipod on and head over to electric beach to lay down in a bed of warmth and death! i walk in and there is a line of like 7 people. whaaaaaa?? ive never seen such a thing! then i rememberd, duh...spring break soon. no one wants to burn their pastey white skin. you think i would have turned around and just been like whatever and gone for a run (much healthier...you dont get cancer from running) noooope, i made an appointment and waited 25 mintues to TAN! i just jammed out to my ipod while waiting then it was my turn, and i trotted upstairs to my lil heaven bed of joy. oh bed 23, well hello, please tan me well! i lay down and the timer is set for 12 minutes. thats not even long right? electric beach plays awesome music and its really loud so you cant help but be giddy and sing while laying there soaking up the....rays. my face felt a lil hot and i turned off the face lamp, not wanting to burn. the time flew and i felt great and walked back to campus feeling toasty and a lil darker. SCORE! went to my film class, watched the lame movie Psycho, came back, and went to my neighbors room to chat and snack on M&M's. a few of us girls sat there and were talking about surgeries and bone breaks...and how awesome i think it would be to have surgrey. after a hour or so, my pants started to hurt me. haha, seriously i was like "whaaaat the crap, am i allergic to my jeans??" the part where the button and zipper meet was irritating my stomach and it started to like itch and burn and i kept having to adjust my jeans. i was so confused. everyone was probably wondering why i kept getting up to fix my jeans then sitting back down, ha. out of nowhere someone was like "hey did you go tanning...you look darker" and im like "yeeaahhhh i did" (in my head i had totally forgotten that i went earlier) then i sprang up and ran to my friends body mirror and lifted my shirt to look at my stomach and i was REEEEDDDDDD!!!!!! BRIGHT PINK RED STOMACH!!!! like a roasted red lobster!!! everyone was like "oohhhhhhhh aaaammmmmmmyyyyy!!!" ahhhh the inside of my elbows were red, my neck, my chest, my thighs, my back, my everything BURNT! its like someone put me in a rotisserie chicken oven and took me out hours later to reveal the crispiest critter ever!!! the rest of the night i could barely move...everytime i sat or stood up my dry cottony clothes rubbed against the tender burn alllll over my body. good roomie stephanie rubbed lotion all over me and i went to bed with a fan on me full blast. its like i got a turn to be the sun for a day...i was radiating heat like none other. my skin was on fire. today it has toned down but some parts still have that burning feeling and it looks like my skin is swollen =( well i wont be going tanning again for some time. maybe they were new bulbs? im not sure...but i am sure this KILLS!

talking about it makes it hurt sooo on a more serious note....Romans is cool. i know i have said this before and have shared from Romans before but seriously Paul is the man. He reminds me of me....he kind of goes off on rants and says the same thing and he "snowballs" his thoughts. ive been said to snowball...thanks steph. its really cool if you guys do this, frickin get into the word and get to know the people you're reading about. they have personality traits too and you may find yourself relating! its sweet. so i read Romans 7 last night and there was a part that stuck out to meeee....let me copy and paste....Romans 7:14-20....

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

okay correct me if this is inappropriate but this honestly made me crack up. do you see Pauls freak out?? i picture him walking in circles and saying "ahhhh i do what i dont want to do, and i dont do what i want to do!!! why?? ahhh!!". Romans 7 is straight forward and written nicely and i love the content, but this one paragraph Paul seems to kind of lose it and he really seems to be having spiritual warfare. i love Paul's honesty and he says the same thing over and over again. interesting huh? just read it a few times and its just funny, because i totally see myself doing this a lot. why do we do what we dont want to do and then dont do what Christ wants us to do? well stupid sin obviously. Paul really wants to make it clear to you that as a human being, you are going to sin...it is sin living in you that causes you to do things you do sometimes. man does it suck, but we are saved through Jesus Christ so what up sin, take it! i guess i just wanted to show this to open people's eyes to spiritual warfare that even amazing men like Paul have gone through it. and its comforting to see this truth in God's word and see hearts experiencing what i am experiencing today! GODS WORD IS TRUTH and its amazing, diiiiiig in!!

well there will be many more posts to come next week with all my spare time. i will teach myself to play at least 2 or 3 songs on a guitar this spring break. people will come back tan, ill come back musically inspired! muhaha! yeah we'll see...ill probably quit. i tend to do that.

song of the day-(like i stated earlier) "id rather be with you" by joshua radin

Peace

Pucker Up Baby

2009-02-14T07:36:00.000-08:00

so usually, i just push the "new post" button and then start typing like a mad woman and don't stop until i realize that no human being would want to read that long of a post...then i stop. today however, i am just staring at my screen completely wordless and thoughtless. weird! amy lancette is NEVER wordless! this girl can talk =) about ANYTHING to ANYONE! haha ask lauren...she is the one friend who rolls her eyes at me when i start to go off on a tangent because she knows it won't end for quite some time. love you darling! maybe its because today is well Valentines Day and sometimes love is hard to talk about...ya know?

so yes, it is Valentines Day today! I usually try to blog once a week and i didn't chose today on purpose at all. i worked on tuesday, thursday, and friday and for some reason didn't find the time to blog any of those days. and now its saturday (and i have 5 hours of work left) and i havent blogged this week so i have no choice...this is happening haha. so dont think that i was purposely anticipaitng this day to babble about love in my post. im most definitely not an expert when it comes to LOVE. however, i have learned a lot about love and how to love and how to accept love and feel love and see love. its been a journey...and let me tell you guys...if you dont know where love is supposed to fall as a priority in your life...then you havent truly let the LOVE of Christ envelop you!

im not a hater of valentines day (sometimes)...overall i think that its cute we have a day where people are extra giddy and pink is the fashion statement and men NOT carrying roses or balloons will be punished haha. i think love should be given every day no matter what, but hey why not have a day where people go over the top? its an excuse to let your man take you out for dinner or an excuse to hang with your single ladies and eat pounds of chocolate while watching "the notebook". whatever the case, if you have a positive attitude...valentines day can be lots of fun. heck im doing something completely different this year...after work, i am going to spend a couple hours in a quiet area and open the Bible and look up all the verses on LOVE and really allow God to captivate me and my heart. hey if its a day of love, i want to be spending some of it with the man who loves me most...my heavenly Father. im really excited for this time later today...its the first time in like 5 years where my heart is free from other relationships and is desiring the richest love of all...God's LOVE.

annnyyyyyways, i have a few HILARIOUS stories for you! so the combination of valentines day and working at a bank with weird winona trashy customers equals CREEPER DATES!! so im chillin at my teller station...being productive right? stocking the deposit and withdrawal slips. adjusting my name tag to look professional...pretty much being a rock star. then i see dude. dude who comes in like twice a week and finds ANYTHING to talk about for at least 15min. he is like 40 and is going to school at winona state. he looks like he just walked out of seinfeld. just one strange character this man is. he comes up to me and flashes me an awkward smile then looks at our decorated "today's special" sign that has info about home equity loans. we colored little hearts all over the sign in celebration of today. he stares at the sign. i say "hey jeff, are you interested in the new rate for the loan?" he says "no...i just really like all the bright colored hearts and its just really pretty...and well...that just reminds me...of something i need to ask you". im like ahhhhhh okay, what in the world?!?! shake it off amy. so we start doing his deposit and of course he starts babbling about his fuel gauge in his car and if i knew how to fix a broken one. ha are you kidding, i dont know how to open the hood of my car. we finish up the transaction and in the deepest depths of my heart im super happy he hasnt said anything referring to his uncomfortable comment before...i smile and thank him for his business and HOPE he gets the foxtrot out of my personal bubble! awkward jeff begins to play with his hands and mumble randomness. what the crap?! "is there anything else i can do for you today?" i ask. jeff wont even look at me and says "welllllll...um...i....i....welll....the thing is...if you were to like any certain kind of flower....um....well...what, what....what kind would it be?" im just dumbfounded and dont know what to say. so what do i do....NOT SAY ANYTHING!! i just froze and was screaming "ahhhhhhh weeeeiiiiiird" in my head. then he says "i just wanted to get you some flowers and then ask you if i could have your advice about sending flowers to Kazakhstan for a lady interest of mine...we video chat and talk on the phone and i want to send her something pretty...to make her happy..." can i just say that wow was i relieved!!!!!! i totally ignored the whole comment about flowers for me and was like "ohhh a lady interest??? whats her name??? when did you meet?? whats she like?? have you met in person??" trying everything to keep the focus on this lucky lady over by china who so desperately needs flowers from this man. we ended up discussing the cost of shipping flowers over to kasakhstan and that it would be around $115.00!!!! wow! my advice: dont have a long distance relationship that far away lol. poor girl is never gona get flowers. so after he stayed and debated this idea for like 10min! he decided no...he is just too broke. he then has the nerve to ask ME what he could do over video chat to show her that he cares.....................................................there were no words. i suggested he read her a poem? HAHA! i was way too disturbed to think of any other options for the poor guy. he was just like, "oh ill think of something creative...do you really think she'll be happy with a poem over a video chat?" im just like, yesssssssssss, now please leave the store. haha. no i was happy to help, whatever i can to ensure a couples love on valentines day =) yeah sure. there were more stories, even worse...involving me getting candy hearts as a date proposal, and getting invited to a "pisces party" where only scorpios were invited (me and the other teller jess....) yeah just ask me about it.

to end this post on a LOVE note, i would like to share with you all a very well known Bible verse. "Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. "– Matthew 22:37-38 it is stated right here that loving God is the MOST IMPORTANT and GREATEST of all commandments. people get caught up in everything else in life, and Christians especially get caught up with living this perfect life and doing good things and serving and prophesizing and that stuff is all good and necessary for God's kingdom. BUT we must not forget what God has imprinted on our hearts first and that is LOVE. we must love, we are called to love. the second commandment instructs us to love our neighbors. so first we must love God and then love each other. God is frickin awesome. above anything else...no if's and's or but's...we must love. we must love our enemies-people who have lied to us, people who have stolen from us, people who have talked bad about us, people who have hurt our families, people who make us angry, people who don't give us a chance....alllllll these people are God's children too and why wouldn't we love them too? how are we going to attract people to following christ and becoming christians if we dont show never ending, deep, passionate, real love??? its the only way. and God commands it of us. "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:12-13 wow so we are supposed to love others as if they died for us and our sins??? we are supposed to love others as if they were CHRIST??? intense. and of course we can celebrate God's love for us with this verse..."I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me." - Proverbs 8:17 ...guys...seek that love and you will find that love. its so filling and amazing. nothing can compare =)

I LOVE YOU ALL! and i pray that each one of you spends this holiday chillin with the people who adore you and the people whom you adore. oh and if you feel this need to...ohh...idk...get me chocolates, im totally down for that =)

song of the day-"boy with a coin" by iron & wine

(ps...do you like the font color change in honor of this fine love day? heck yes. appreciate)

Peace

I'm A Big Kid Now...

2009-02-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

My title is not referring to the fact that i now have moved on from diapers and am happily wearing pull-ups. haha. now i have that jingle in my head "I'm a big kid now!". how cute! wow kids rock.

so yeah im feeling old guys...the good old days when i had no responsibilites or commitments are a thing of the past. it is weird to think that you only really get to spend the first fourth of your life being COMPLETELY carefree. there might be thoughts in the back of your head concerning your future and you're next job but at the end of the day, you know your parents probably have your back and there is a nice room sitting at home waiting for you if you need anything. let me explain "first fourth". so if you eat the kinda crap i do...oh you know what i am talking about! if you get erbs and gerbs once a week, or if you and your friends get that midnight craving for a pizza and then purchase some yummy dominos, or if you eat six double stuff oreos even though the serving size is two, or if you eat chipotle and buffalo wild wings religiously....you probably won't have the greatest of health when you hit your 50's. and if you fake bake or are in the sun 24/7 when summer hits...your skin will probably be nast in your 60's or 70's. if you drink coffee, sports drinks, or pop instead of water...your teeth will probably fall out in your 70's. if you don't exercise because you "don't have time" (yeah whatever, we all have time...you need to MAKE time, not FIND time) and you decide to play rockband or facebook instead of playing some frisbee or going for a peaceful jog...you could possibly have a heart attack in your 40's or 50's, or get heart disease, or get diabetes, or get some type of cancer. if you smoke.....well if you smoke you're just asking for it. you know what you could get from ingesting that crap. if you text constantly or if you are on the phone a lot or watch TV a lot...you have killed trillions of brain cells and will possibly get brain cancer, alzheimers disease, ADD, ADHD, or have vision problems...and that could all happen any time. SOOOOO, me saying all of this is to get to the point that our generation will probably only make it to our 70's if we are lucky. but me being the oh so very positive, optimistic person that i am (yeah right...haha) im going to assume that we'll all hopefully make it to 80. therefore....for most of my readers....we are 20....we have lived 1/4 of our life. interesting huh? the first fourth of our life was spent being the most mindless, life-loving, adventure-seeking, mistake-making, dependent, fun-focused, money-careless buncha people. not to mention the first ten years of our life were spent even more carefree than what i just listed off. heck you were still in the sandbox and mom still drove you to swimming lessons at the YMCA and watching doug and recess were the most exciting moments of the week. oh my do i miss those days! not a worry in the world as a little tike. i played all day, mom made dinner at 5pm and dad read me a story before bed at night.

what happened to those days?

when did i start making my own meals and since when did my night routine turn into listening to my ipod instead of snuggling with my dad and falling asleep to his stories?

and the saddest thing of all is that we never get those AMAZING twenty years back. there will be nothing like my childhood ever again. nothing can compare to camping with my family every summer. nothing can compare to my mom's homemade spaghetti. for the next 60 years or so, life will be full of the normal adult fears and concerns and schedules and huge changes. don't get me wrong...i am soooo excited to be a big kid now and find a career and get my own place and take trips with no mommy and daddy...ahhh SUPER STOKED! but life is super complicated with aging. for example...i had a "check-in" with my assistant manager to talk about goals and work ethic or w/e and we got into a hour conversation about unsecure loans and fixed loans, and home equity loans, and credit cards and morgages!!! and low rates and high rates and CD's and blablabla! it was all so very interesting and i can really see my passion in real estate coming through but like this is life now. seven years from now, my husband (this timing has no significance, just a hope =) haha) will be sitting down after eating take out or something (i dont cook...but ill try and learn for you my darling...wherever you are) and we'll be having a conversation about putting our money into a money market account or deciding if we want to refiance our house, or talking about getting a new car with either a credit card or a loan. are you kidding??? and on top of that...talking about having kids and when, and where they are going to school and what home church we'll attend. oh and who is going to pay the bills? balance the check book and prepares a budget? saving for retirement...keeping a good credit score.

hey so the list goes on. im going to stop here though.

im most definitely not complaining. this is life. and you can look at this overwhelming chunk of responsibilites and say "crap" or you can look at it and say "sweeeeet...ive got this"

i know my view is not straight on with everyone else's and that is because i work at a bank. i see finances every day. i see how much a struggle money is for most of my customers. half the time they come in just to talk instead of looking at their near negative accounts. my worries are a little higher when it comes to the money topic for my future because i see how hard it is on couples that come here trying to get loans for a house or a car and they get declined because of a low credit score. they fight right infront of the teller line! awkward!!! im so thankful for my job here because i feel as though i have a HUGE advantage to getting everything set up now so that i can live a little easier 5 or 10 years down the road. most kids my age have a savings account and checking account...thats it. no one informs them that they should get a 401k plan started so they can invest for retirement. no one informs them of CD's or money market accounts that can make money off their money. no one informs them that they SHOULD have a credit card right NOW and should be making payments on something so they can build a credit score. it can take up to ten years to get a 760+ credit score. parents say no to credit cards not realizing they are holding their kids back from starting a future (many...MANY kids are dumb though and screw their credit score when maxing a credit card) anyways, enough of my bank mumbo jumbo. i know none of you care lol im just obnoxious and passionate and share too much!

even though a lot of this sounds like crap. what keeps me together is that first of all, i know God is bigger than any money issue or house foreclosure or negative bank account. He'll be there EVERY step of the way. secondly, i know that i will have a partner in all of this. my future beloved hubby =) i THRIVE off of deep talk, and im so excited to sit down and talk politics and finances with my honey. i am excited to drown out a movie we'll be watching with our conversation about future baby names. i am excited to go grocery shopping together and use coupons and buy the generic junk to save money. i am excited to have joint bank accounts. i am excited to buy our first house together and make our first meal in the kitchen and throw a frisbee in the backyard. i am excited to pick out a car together and anticpate its break down. i am excited to pray together every night and enjoy each day's blessings TOGETHER. i am excited to pick out lame furniture from target because we'll be too cheap to get the real stuff. i am excited to read scripture together and learn to love one another more because of our foundation built off of God. im excited to be a team for our heavenly Father, and work together to glorify His kingdom. me and my man are going to do big things...i can just feel it. =) we will sacrifice anything to follow after God! i can't wait to love this man! wow...what a life it will be. sounds quite exciting if you ask me.

work is almost over and this was a weird blog with not a lot of significance but this was all in my mind and i wanted to talk about it sooo thats what a blog is for right?

song of the day-"the stand" by hillsong united

Peace

Two Nostril Holes, Not Three

2009-01-27T14:17:00.000-08:00

does it seem like it has been awhile? i definitely do feel like its been forever. thats just because i am actually not blogging everyday like last week when work was killing me. i am definitely more adjusted and enjoying the slow pace life here in ghetto hy-vee. ive gotten to know the people in the pharmacy and i have gotten to know the staff that works in the actual grocery store. its kind of fun having all these different "families"/teams within one building. the "beep...beep...beeeeep" of the cash registers have become a soothing melody. i pretty much rock at grocery shopping now because i know where EVERYTHING is. lane 4 makes me angry..."catsup" is one of the items listed on the sign above the lane and it just gets me because we all know that is is spelt catsup but seriously who actually spells it that way...its "ketchup". heck yes. im about to stay super late one night and hide back here in the bank and then pop out when no one is around and set up a ladder. then change the letters. ha! i care too much, thats just my OCD getting the best of me. also, there is definitely a smell here. not bad or good. but i just associate a lot of things with smell and sound. hence my attention towards the "beep...beep" and the weird grocery store smell. it helps me lock this time of my life into my memory. my memory sucks! wow, ask anyone. i dont even remember who i had lunch with yesterday.

so yes everyone, the news is true. i no longer am the weird girl with three nose holes. people pointed and laughed. i was mocked for being different. it held me back from great opportunities and true happiness.

naaaaa, just kidding!!! i do have the normal two nose holes like everyone else now. but it wasn't a deformity or anything...just pulling your leg =) i got my nose pierced back in may 2007 right before graduation. i remember that day soo well. i wanted to be a rebel and get my nose pierced(at my private lutheran high school you couldn't have any facial piercings...not allowed! apparently they are of satan or something...i dont know). so we had our last day of high school...(ran the halls and threw water balloons...haha) and then we graduated in three days. so i technically waited until i wasnt in school, but didnt care so much what they thought on graduation day ya know? Principle Gibson denies me my diploma up on stage infront of 400 people due to the new jewelery on my nose??? highly doubt it. i was so close to not doing it because i had gotten my belly botton pierced 2 years previously and that hurt like a mother!! and caused me many problems. i dont have that one anymore. kinda miss it. but yeah, my friend dragged me in there and made me do it because he knew how much i wanted it done! i did it and didnt feel a thing =) i have loved that piercing more than any of my others and i loved having a hoop in for a few months. wow did i feel hardcore lol. this last saturday night i must have been sleeping like an idiot with my face smashed into my pillow or something...i woke up after a glorious 10 hours of rest, got up, and slowly made my way to the bathroom. being all groggy i didnt even realize anything. then i started to wash my face and usually its just by habit that i am more gentle to the left side of my face (to protect my precious lil gem of beauty). I FELT NOTHING. there was no usual nub that got in the way of washing my pores clean! for a brief moment i panicked. flashbacks of all the work i put into that frickin thing! it was like my baby. i nursed it to health for the first 6 months at its new home on my nose. everytime i changed it, i went in and had a professional do it. so i become pals with the people at Tats (in stillwater, the best place ive been to, highly recommended!) and even some in the winona tattoo shop. i have purchased like 10 different studs/hoops that are piled in a drawer in my room. so much work for this lil fella. now gone. i rushed to my bed and searched for the stud. and of course, my luck...the one i had in was clear because of being at work earlier that day. so i just looked really lame feeling my bed all around for a tiny spec. throwing the pillows everywhere, searching...searching! VICTORY, i found it!!! i ran to a mirror and i saw the hole and attempted to put the stud back in. blsated thing closed up on me already!! i probably could have pushed it through and made it bleed BUT it was early and i was in no mood. i shrugged my shoulders and dropped the stud in the garbage and moved on...excited to see what life would be like with a naked nose! ;)

haaaaaaaaaaa...what a dramatic tale for the loss of a nose ring. and let me tell you, ive enjoyed the last 4 days or whatever without it. maybe ill be taken a lil more seriously? i think nose piercings can be quite classy but the older generation says "its a bunch of metal in your face, trying to look cool"...that being quoted from many many of my older men customers who have reached their 80's and can not comprehend why us kids have metal in our faces. ha, it cracks me up. if i decide to be cool and not go back to school next year and travel to africa with hillary, im totally getting my eyebrow pierced. some friends have objections to that....come on guys

as i stand here munchin on some delicious peanut m&m's, dipped in pink, red, and white colors for the upcoming holiday....im in a lil bit of awe. how does that even make sense..."lil bit of awe". awe seems to be a word that people use to desribe something that shocked them so much they were speechless. something so magnificent that the person stands still and tries to stop time to take in what just happened or what has been revealed to them. how can awe be lil? haha. i guess i say "lil bit of awe" because everytime i get to know God a little deeper, im in awe. one little verse with HUGE meaning and truth stuffed inside of it. we have huge moments where God opens a door for us and we see Him so clearly, and we want to hit ourselves for ever doubting Him. those moments you want to fall to your knees and cry to Him and just repeat "you are awesome, you are holy, you are soo gracious, you are beautiful, you are perfect...Father you are good, you are Love...ect" those are the big moments of awe when God's glory is just too much to even take in.

my lil bits of awe happen like today, when im at work. my day so far has been crap ontop of crap. i skipped class this morning because i woke up feeling as if my heart didn't want to wake up. it was one of those days where my heart didn't want to feel...happiness or sadness. it just wanted to be numb. that has got to be the worst feeling in the whole world, numbness. it almost makes your stomach feel sick because you want to feel something...anything. some personal stuff has gotten stirred up again in my life, and i know that is why my heart retreated to numbness, because ive felt the pain before from this situation and i know how awful it can be. In seeking God, to know Him more, ive also been hoping He would reveal an answer to me for this dark area in my life. But i dont think God is really an "answers" kinda guy. i dont think He is easy. i dont think He is like grandma who gave you cookies and presents when you wanted it. He is like the tough love kinda dad who loves you but wants you to figure it out on your own (He is there watching, and hoping, and guiding...but allows you to take your own path. get it? i dont want you to think that im saying you should try to conquer things without Gods help, thats dumb). and if you make a mistake along the way, He'll be there to give you a hug and let you sit on his lap (my favorite image of being with God...cant wait for the day i get to do this!!!) and if you get through the journey and reach the end, He'll have rewards and love and encouragement waiting. i like that God, no no nooo...i LOVE that God. the one and only God gives us tough love?? what a guy. unfortunately in our hard times, we can fall into our human flesh and lose faith in God. Romans 3 reminded me today that even we lose faith, God doesn't lose faith in us.

Romans 3:3-4 "What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness? Not at all! Let God be true, and every man a liar. As it is written: "So that you may be proved right when you speak and prevail when you judge." i just love that!!! no matter how stupid i am, and how much i lose faith in God, and how many times i walk away from Him, it doesn't even hinder how faithful He is. this verse just once again proves that it is never about us...instead ALWAYS about Him. i also just love Paul's passion in saying "not at all!" i dont know why, but i feel like i could just see him screaming that, expressing God's incredible faithfulness to all of us...everyone...who believe and dont believe. no matter where you are, God is faithful and doesn't give up. and let us praise and worship Him for that...wow how great is our God.

He is faithful!!!! allllll the time! i kind of want to change my "religious views" on facebook from "God is good, allll the time" to "God is faithful, all the time". rock on, maybe i will.

well this is long enough and im done with work in a hour so i can be done. ive got to make a grocery list so i can go shopping after work! im gettin some deli turkey for sure. ive been craving a good sandwich. and flavored water....definitely!

song of the day-"the real" by nevertheless....or "time" by nevertheless, ooorrrrr "sleeping in" by nevertheless. pretty much my favorite band right now! they are going to be at sonshine this summer! =)

Peace

Paul Is The Man...Hello Romans!

2009-01-22T13:14:00.000-08:00

you know how i described my blog title in my first post? about black heels being a girl's happy place? its so interesting to see how much i have changed AND stayed the same since the very beginning birth of my baby blog. like yeah i still think shoes are one heck of a happy place, oh definitely. i get the DSW email pretty much every day and open it up and just glance at the heels and pumps. soooo beautiful! but i never buy anything, just look. and hope to have a job that requires awesome heels someday. as of now, im content with my black flats that have a lil diamond bow. however, i probably should buy some of those Dr. Schollz insert things to support myself. standing straight for five hours doesn't feel great. you would think i would buy those insert things because they are right in front of my face in the Foot Care Section...haha. wow.

yeah so my happy place has changed. it always does. that is life ya know? you have to keep changing things up to see what gets you, to see what really gets you excited and happy. honestly, i cant even decide right now! if any of you are dedicated readers of my silly blog and know me well, you know that im super impulsive and obsessive. once i like something, i then LOVE it and get it or need it all the time. for example.....oh my.....embarrassing. i have to get double chocolate milano cookies every time i go grocery shopping! i tried them one day and then freaked and now have to get them every single time. ANOTHER EXAMPLE.....haha....frickin french toast bagels! did you know that those existed??? i didnt! not until two weeks ago. i knew there were blueberry, cinnamon/raisin (ick!), plain, and onion but never did i know of the wonderful creation of the fench toast bagel. wow...that morning forever changed me. as you can see, finding new delicious food rocks my world. but okay, seriously now...my new happy place. WAIT...i also get scooby macaroni everytime i grocery shop too! okay back to serious...wow this is going to sound corny and cliche but reading the Bible....is my happy place.

sooo im really into reading these days because i seem to have a lil extra time outside of 15 credits of school and 25 hours of work each week. over christmas break i dug into captivating really wanting to understand what being a woman in God's eyes looked like. i religiously read that book like it was the answer to my life's problems. every single day i brought that to work and brought my journal and went to town! but for some reason it didn't fill anything, i was not feeling satisfied or fulfilled at all. dont get me wrong, that book rocks and it has opened my eyes to see women as the "crown of creation" and its a very uplifting book! on the side, i was reading one chapter of my Bible....a week. i honestly thought that was enough. so i thought to myself, whatevs, im just not feeling completely satisfied right now because that is how it has been for sometime (thats just one issue im working on with God right now....really really being satisfied in Him, and finding Him to be more than enough...its tough!) so i shluffed it off and got packed up and headed back to winona, planning on pursuing the same routine.

mental breakdown! the first week just did not go the way i was hoping at all and i was feeling drained and pissed at myself for choosing to come back this semester. however, i kept my mind focused and tried to go after God each time i felt doubtful and frustrated. and do you know what i read to try and re-focus in the middle of my freak-outs??? frickin captivating! are you kidding?? and i found myself in the biggest rut ever and didn't understand why i felt so distant from God. i actually got to the point where i still had five days left to drop any/all classes without any charge soo i talked to the folks and got ready to break the news that i wanted to come home. coming back was a mistake (do you now see how impulsive i can be....calm down amy) then thankfully God shook some sense into me and blessed me with a great weekend full of laughs, love and complete awesomeness (i adore you haylee, hannah, and jen!!). I know He was present and wanted me here...at least one last semester. so then i got a nice lil bright idea, OPEN THE BIBLE! like i said in my last blog, i finished up Hebrews and was just stunned by the peace i recieved from literally reading His word. what have i been doing??? why haven't i been reading this juicy book every day?? its sooo good!!! I started Romans hence the title of my blog. suuuuper good so far. Paul is like the man. wow! I really like getting to know this dude and what he is all about. He is soo compassionate! the way he describes his longing to visit rome is just awesome.

i do wish i was more informed of how to read the Bible, if that makes sense. i guess ill talk about that later, its a whole enitre other topic i could gab about forever. but it was interesting how in the first Chapter it went from Paul's lovey doveyness towards Rome and then all of a sudden a whole chunk on God's wrath! intense! seriously, take a read. and you will feel it. i love how there are dark parts to the Bible that expose the truth.

one sweet thing that Paul said that stuck out to me was this...Romans 1:20 "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. " just bask in the awesomeness of this verse. i LOVE how Paul said "God's invisible qualities". it just shows his true devotion and that faith is not about seeing but believing. i really had to read that verse over and over again and just smile. Its like almost sarcastic to me...as if Paul is saying "do you reallllly not see God all around you?? you MAY NOT have an excuse, complaining that you don't 'see' God...no...there is no excuse. God's power and love and beauty surround you on a daily basis...He has been constantly showing his invisible qualities since creation!!" Paul rocks.

do you see His invisible qualities? its something to ponder! =)

and im not sitting here saying that you should go read the Bible daily (but it wouldnt hurt...) just because i do. it has taken me around two years in my walk with God to get the desire to read His word. it comes in time! do what you do. baby steps.

well i actually have the day off tomorrow sooo you won't be hearing from me but hopefully soon! man i love blogging! id like to make a shout out to hillary anne bates, she has begun blogging again! welcome back, welcome back.

song of the day-"song of hope" by the robbie seay band....this is my anthem!

Peace

First Aid, Foot Care, And Bladder Control

2009-01-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

blogging two days in a row means i have waaayyyy tooooo much time. a college kid blogging two days in a row? seriously. yeah....really.

well im most definitely at work. it is my first day. it's not like a normal first day of work where everything is bright and shiny and super exciting where you get to learn new tricks. ha...yeah i wish. i used to be a teller back at associated in hudson and now im a teller at the associated here in winona. you would think that they are the same thing...well let me tell you-there is a HUGE difference!

the hudson associated pretty much rocked my world! it was glorious...two levels!! man just thinking back to when i was at the other bank makes me sooo sad. i wish i could be there more than anything!! there was a lovely lobby, and many offices and a receptionist desk and it felt like it was a legit business that had hope, friendship, beauty, and a frickin future for everyone that worked there! (i just created the most corny picture of that bank...it really was perfect!) it was nestled up against a hill and the scenery from the bank was an outlook over the saint croix river!! we had cookies every friday that were soooo delicious! i was always in drive-through in my safe little haven with gwen and sue and of course brandon. when i wasn't helping customers, i was wrapped up in reading Captivating or eating snacks or TEXTING (im proud to say i have unlimited and sometimes i still feel that i am going to reach a limit...yeah i have a problem). on fridays we were open until 7 frickin pm which is very late for a bank and not one customer would come from like 530 on. sooo brandon and i were super cool and thought of a bright idea! i brought my laptop and we watched House on my macbook until we closed at 7. working friday nights at the bank were actually a treat, haha it was sooo awesome! id watch House and once brandon would get bored of that, he would go watch MTV in the waiting area outside of the drive-through cave. and we'd both munch on cheez-its allllll day. it was simply wonderful.

TRANSITION

im at the new bank...or maybe i should call it my new closet. ahhh i feel like my sisters locked me in a closet again like they used to do when i was little. so first of all, im in a grocery store. a grocery store in winona. i feel like im in napolean dynamite. there are like 6 people shopping here at one time. its dead. and 95% of the customers consist of the oldest couples that have lived in winona since their parents birthed them. there is this old creepy radio station on in the background that makes you feel like time is nonexistant and that jeepers creeper dude is going to fly through the door and kill you. yeahhhhh, i definitely feel like im in the typical small town setting for an awful horror film. great. my life ends in the winona Hyvee grovery store as a teller. i can't wear my northface fleece here....ahhhh my arms are frgid! =) we are placed in the corner of the store right by the pharmacy....i watch these hardcore old pharmacists dink around with pills all day and its funny to think that they are working 5min away from me and their job looks just as miserable as what i am doing...maybe worse...they also are here until 7pm BUT they make ohhh about $80,000 more a year than i do. my view consists of Depends and Poise protective underwear. seriously straight in front of me...then a lil to my left is the Foot Care Section. did you know that there are four different brightly colored fingernail polish removers?? how fabulous! then there is the First Aid Section. so im definitely prepared for someone who is going to pee their pants, or someone who has a killer hang-nail and needs a clipper, or someone who needs a band-aid for a nasty wound. so yeah....this job. not legit. not awesome. OHHH and they are making me take my nose stud out, that was sad sad news. the size of this bank (if you even want to call it that) is about 1/3 of my dorm room. i have been standing in this one spot since ehhhh about 2:30pm. it's 6 now. yeah i pretty much stretch my arms and i can touch the walls on both sides of me.

oh and please do not think im sitting here using this to complain. im not complaining at all, im moreso using this to laugh at myself and my current situation. like im cracking up at how awful this is. and it mostly shocks me that everyone who works here is like totally chill with this. i feel like my facial expressions are screaming...."reaaallllllly...are you being serious????" this really motivates me to finish school and get a good degree and pursue my passions because why work and be miserable when you can work and be happy and glorify God??? yeah so im going to try and just be filled with the love and joy Jesus would have and spread that to all these winonans. they all seem to be bla. now thats not a life worth living to me. bla isn't good enough. bla is crap. i think this upcoming semester is going to take forever and every shift here will feel like days but im excited to see how i grow from it. i feel like God will show me a lot about perseverence and patience through these experiences. and those are two qualities i need to work on.

anyways, so i finished Hebrews yesterday. super good stuff. did you know that God calls us to pray for those in prison?? i mean i am sure it is assumed and we all know God wants us to pray for anyone struggling but i just thought it was interesting that He sraight out said, hey don't forget about them. they need your love too. this verse opened my eyes to the realization that prayer is about 99% of the time focused on the most important thing in my life-MYSELF! i pray that ill have a good day, good week, have good talks, have healthy relationships....i pray for strength, encouragement and the patience to see His will and purpuse for my life...i pray for his protection and wisdom in my life.......and the list goes on. like wow, could i be more selfish? its obviously good to pray about yourself and seek a deep relationship with your heavenly Father, and praying is talking to God and therefore He will reaveal Himself through that BUT man do i need to start praying for the big stuff. we feel like it doesn't matter if we do because the issue/situation/organization is too big. have we forgotten how big God is??? pretty sure He created the entire universe!!!! so it was kinda weird taking His word literally and praying for those in prison but i tried it and i think im going to try and focus more prayer time on the big stuff. like praying for my city that im living in or praying for intervarsity or praying for HUGE things like world hunger and disease. it feels like my itty bitty prayer won't make anything change but i also trust that God is God and that means He is frickin huge and capable of anything. Hebrews 13 was kind of scattered but i good chapter, i recommend it.

okay sweet, finally my shift is coming to a close. 7pm 7pm 7pm! woohoo! then off to intervarsity for some worship and a message. rock on.

song of the day "fairfax" by william tell

Peace

A Reason For The Season

2009-01-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

I forgot about my blog! how awful. no that is a lie...i did not forget about it. i just have not cared to write for the past week or so, thats not a fun feeling at all! usually im super weird and think about my blog on a every other day basis and i try to organize my thoughts and like practically write a post in my head and try to save it. woooow, that does not work. there was a bunch of stuff i wanted to talk about around a week ago but i got distracted by this thing we call LIFE, and now im kind of drawing a blank. whatevs, take my boringness in!

ha okay so i have been at school for a week already. SICK! most of you people haven't even started. i feel like all my friends are still on break sleeping in until 2pm and doing nothing. that feels like years ago! its so funny how when you go back to school, after two or three days you already feel like it has been weeeeeks. then you look at your planner and feel dumb. to be honest, i have barely used my planner so far this semester. you guys, that is not good. that means i have all my assignments floating around in my noggin. and when i abandon my planner, i find myself getting to class and then sitting down and looking around at everyone pulling out an assignment that I DID NOT DO because i did not write it down! that has already happened this semester so far. embarrassing. and i don't know what is up with this semester so far, but all my classes seem to be filled with huge burly (sp??) football players that make the room feel soo confined and weird. they all do not speak in class and hide in the back and facebook chat or something (ha i fb chat too.....suuuuper lame). see im used to most of my classes being women women and oh wait some more frickin women! winona has a ratio of 7 girls to 1 guy. yeah that actually happens i guess. thats okay with me. but my classes are just very packed and loud and weird this semester. i have chemistry appreciation (dont ask...all you need to know is that it is as lame as it sounds), physics-energy, approaches to film, conflict and communication, aaannddd intercultural communication. im content. smashin. sweet.

anyways, sorry to babble about school. just getting adjusted. WHICH I HATE. there are goods and bads of being back:

GOOD:

-walking becomes my way of getting anywhere, my car just sits here

-pleasant valley church on sundays

-friends living right next door, above me, and below me

-monday night bowling (when i can go)

-breathe on fridays

-small groups

-i finally have people to watch movies with instead of watching house or greys anatomy by myself every night before bed at home

-meals consist of ridiculous stories and hardcore laughing instead of making a dinky little sandwich at home BY MYSELF

-dance parties and doing the cupid shuffle

-having a whole gym like 5 minutes away to get in rockin shape

-running into someone i know every time i walk to class

-deep talks with people at the most random times about the most random things

BAD:

-smelling like dirty feet after leaving the cafeteria (seriously i changed clothes after eating in the caf...its soooo gross)

-doing my own laundry....very difficult

-staying organized

-constantly checking facebook over 500 times a day to avoid doing homework

-bundling up for negative twenty degree weather then stripping down for class, then bundling up to go back to my room then stripping down. OBNOXIOUS!

-showering with crocks on so i dont get foot disease

yeah so enough about school. who really wants to talk about it. no one. so here is a scoop of my heart right now. and it relates to my title too. so i feel like people need to try and relate their lives to the four seasons of the year. so this is my current situation-i am in school but don't really want to be at this school. i am here but dont feel like i belong here. sooo of course, all i think about is what i am going to do next. what adventure i am going to find or friends ill make or where the heck ill be a year from now. why cant i be content with my current situation and see what comes from just being okay with what is dealt to me right now? we are always ready to keep walking and keep stepping forward which is sweet because we want to run after goals and run after God's heart and seek better things BUT have we ever stopped to look around at what we are walking by? like seriously compare your life to a walk in the park....do you think its best to keep walking really fast with motivation and just look straight and focus 100%...? do you think that keeping that intense pace is the best idea? why not slow down and take a deep breath? do you think that keeping your ipod on at full volume is always needed? its like we put this bubble around us to just avoid ANYTHING that could change our pace, our walk, our plan....our mission. does that walk sound appealing?

i picture this intense lady with her spandex shorts on and a running top. no smile. an ipod on. and this really fast walk that shows shes thinking "i just want to get this done because i have things i want to do later...i just need to get through this" i see her focused cold eyes and shes breaking out in a sweat to get this walk where she needs to be.

did she ever think to look to her right where there was a little girl playing with her new puppy, and how she could have stopped to ask her where she got it from and what the name is? they could have laughed and played together. did she look to her left and see the old couple looking at the river together, holding hands and talking about how beautiful the scenery is. maybe if she would have stopped, they could have enjoyed God's creation together, and she could hear about their love story if she asked. maybe if she would have looked behind her, she could smile and see how far she has come and take a minute to think and pray and reflect and feel some emotion about the path she has traveled. if she would have just STOPPED and looked around-she could have seen the flowers in the park, friends playing frisbee...she could have felt the warm wind on her arms and cheeks...she could have seen and felt GOD.

i guess what i am trying to say is enjoy where you are. stop walking so hard and so fast for a day and LOOK AROUND. don't look forward....but look completely around you and take it in. sit down and seriously take it in. be content with your current situation just as we have to be content with what season we are in right now. IT IS FRICKIN WINTER and sometimes it sucks but no matter how much we want it, spring won't come until march/april. so knock it off and enjoy today. sometimes God puts you through seasons, sometimes even a painful season. he might not rescue you out of it right away, and he might not give you want you want so desperately because he is after something more valuable than your happiness...he is restoring and growing in you an eternal weight of glory =) so just as you must enjoy the four different seasons of a year, enjoy the seasons of your life. looooook around!!!! and smile at your life. you rock.

ha im lame! trying to be all motivational or whatever.

song of the day "colors" by the rocket summer (someone i know is a hater and doesnt care for them, but they pretty much are very cool...so enjoy)

Peace

Oh Brother

2009-01-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

Tuesday eh? strange day of the week. there are never expectations for a tuesday. at this time next week, i will have started class! can i just say that i am not even the slightest bit excited to start school again. i am pretty stoked about going back and allowing God to use me this semester but not excited for my classes. i have a handful of university study classes (the stupid mandatory credits you have to fill) to take so i am taking chemistry and physics and all this nasty stuff. may i remind you that i am a communication studies major. WHAT AM I GOING TO USE CHEMISTRY FOR?? if i go into human resources, and hire people for companies...do you think im going to be talking about the periodic table? highly doubt it! but there is nothing i can do but deal, so i guess i will sit back and enjoy chemisty and steal my roomies notes...muhaha. good plan.

this is my fourth semester of college! hold up, wait a minute....yeah fourth! im already close to half way done =) my possible plan for next year was to not go back to school. school and amy do not mix so well at all. im a busy body that likes a lot of adventure and new experiences. i was considering YWAM or just moving to a different state and starting fresh, maybe getting a nanny job in colorado like my friend hillary (you lucky woman you). I feel stuck in winona, trapped almost. my heart is passionate for the cities and always has been. I've felt a constant tugging to be in the twin cities for quite some time. idk why either. God just impressed it upon my heart. soo yes, starting over somewhere completely random and saying goodbye to school was the plan.

until NOW. new plan.

After hearing about the death of a high school classmate only two days ago (you'll be missed Mike Hoeft) who died instantly in a car accident, i was reminded how life can be gone in seconds. pure beautiful life that has so much promise, hope, and plans-vanishes in a tragedy. it was a lot to take in and i wasn't even good friends with the kid, barely knew him. for me, this news was a mini wake up call saying "amy...what are you waiting for...why do you sit around and wait for opportunities to fall into your lap...why do you wait for people...why do you wait for love...why do you wait to make life changing decisions...why are sitting on this couch simply THINKING about transfering...why are you only THINKING about getting involved in a city ministry...why are you only THINKING about starting your own ministy???? why aren't you conquering the world??" i wanted to seriously punch myself in the head. ever since i've been at winona, i've been complaining and wanting to get out and do big things for God's kingdom. but have i done anything? no. i haven't even taken the step of applying at another college. all i did was think about it and talk about it. no action.

i feel as though many christians struggle with taking action. i could be wrong, its just my opinion. we feel God touching our hearts and whispering in our ears and pushing us one way but we shy away and kind of stand still. we become almost lukewarm and content with our situation. we are afraid to let God use us in awesome ways. for me, its like i stay in this inbetween place where i am devoted to God and love Him and believe in him and TRY to live for Him but i won't allow myself to take HUGE steps and go into places i don't know and trust that He will lead me to greatness. is this really true devotion then? have i really handed over my life to God? well its time for action.

NEW plan.

rather than just dropping out and trying something random next year, i will continue silly schooling. that decision was based off the fact that our economy is like the saddest excuse for an economy right now and jobs will start disapperaing like crazy and im going to need a four year degree to fall back on for a sweet career. HOWEVER, rather than continuing my education at winona, i really want to pursue an education somewhere in the cities. God has been calling me there for sometime now and I've been avoiding it because it involves a brand new school with no one i know and new friends and well new everything. but im ready....i think. so instead of just THINKING about doing this, i am doing it. im taking action. im in the process of filling out applications to both Bethel University and the U of M. I really want to go to Bethel for numerous reasons (hellooooo-christian campus, amazing opportunites for mission work and studying abroad with fellow crhistians....AMAZING!) but money is a huge issue with that school. If God wants me there though, it will work out. and i would love to be living in the roseville/st. paul area for Bethel because it would allow me to get involved in some awesome ministries/churches in the cities. I've heard great things about the Rock in minneapolis =)

no words can express how terrified i am, like i could pee my pants! but i also feel as though God will use me in amazing ways and my tiny brain can't imagine what he has in store for me there. ahhhhhhhhhh, i just got all excited in my stomach and i want to run around in circles!! im seriously so ready for this. and honestly people, if you are passionate about something and you can't stop thinking about it and your heart feels like it belongs to something other than where you are....THAT IS NOT JUST YOUR BRAIN OR EMOTIONS TOYING WITH YOU. guys, that is God speaking to you. drop what you are doing and stop being afraid to really follow him. what could go wrong if you decided today to just stop the routine life you live that is so blaaa (you know it is...you haven't felt passion in sometime...) and really take action in His kingdom? im pretty sure he will open your life up to great opportunities. pretty sure =) so yay to a new plan-that has promise and hope.

this means only ONE semester left at winonnnaaaaaa!! *tear* i can't talk about that in this post, i'll cry! haha. save that for later!!

anyways, tomorrow marks the anniversary of my Big Bro's death. I never met the kid, i have not a clue what he would have been like, but i wish i would have gotten that chance. Unfortunately, he died as a baby. then my parents had jana, jill, then me. so he would have been the oldest. his 27th birthday is tomorrow. i don't think my sisters ever think about him, which isn't wrong, why would they think about him? im sure my mom and dad do, considering it was their only son. for some reason, i think about matthew a lot. i've been praying to God about it, trying to figure out why the heck matthew has been on my mind and heart so much. one night, God revealed himself to me and was like "well talk to him, he is your brother, he wants to protect you". im sure you people think i am crazzzzzzzy! i think its weird too. but i feel like matthew is the missing link in my family. both my older sisters are more shy and just to themselves. then there is me, frickin loud mouth, who has an opinion for absolutely everything, loves getting the last word, and pretty much socializes with anything human, and wants to be surrounded by people and fun and laughter all the time! maybe i made this up in my head, but i feel like matthew would have been just like me =) oh brother! my parents would have loved that! haha. another opinionated kid! who is strong in his beliefs, thinks his own way, and just loves people and sharing his ideas. i feel like we would have been really close, and he could have helped me with so much-especially stuff that im going through now. i would have loved to have an older brother, what a joy that would have been! but God decided that matthew needed to go home 27 years ago, so when i talk to God at night, i feel as though I am talking to both of them. side by side. my two protectors. My dad isn't so great at that, so I've got two others to turn to, and im okay with that. so matthew, im sending up kisses to heaven! anticpating the day i get to meet you.

i leave in two days to go back to winona!!! ahh! i am going to an intervarsity conference for the weekend (oh my, so stoked! God is going to rock my life!) then school on monday. yikes.

song of the day "just you and me" by MYSELF (lyrics) and instrumental by haylee fosterling. I wrote a song about a month ago just to express my feelings about a past break-up. The lyrics paint a picture of how i always put him first and turned to him for everything instead of God and how its now just God and me. it seems bitter almost, that im not enjoying life with just God...and to be honest, i wasn't too thrilled in the beginning. but now i love that its God and me, we make a pretty good team =) haha. my bestie haylee is probably the best piano player ever and she made music for the lyrics. check it out on facebook! im tagged in it even though im not literally in it. so just check out the video on my fb! thanks!

Peace

Odd One Out

2008-12-27T07:16:00.000-08:00

Gooooooodmorning! most of you will probably read this in the middle of the day when you have nothing better to do so it wont be morning for you BUT it is too early for me right now. getting up to work at 6:30 on a saturday morning is not my cup of tea. i literally had to peel my eyes open this morning. i got into the bathroom and was going to do my hair and make-up and i just could not see for the life of me. i had to rub my eyes numerous times to get some kind of vision. i probably look like a nightmare today. people will probably choose to go to the lobby instead of drive because im such a sight. HA! totally exaggerating. whatever, being here pays the bills =) can't complain!

so how was everyone's christmas??? can you believe its already over?? like seriously, what the crap. we just spent the last month or so preparing for this ohh sooo VERY important day by decorating the house with stars, mini snowmen, a large pine tree, red and white sparkly candles, AND spending hours at the psycho crazy busy mall picking out the perfect gift for EVERYONE, and overplaying "simply having a wonderful christmas time..." by Paul McCartney like a hundred times a day (btw...weirdest music video ever...my roomie and i watched it awhile ago and it is so odd). alllll this stuff done to prepare for christmas day. however....does ALL this stuff that we do so obsessively have anything to do with the true meaning of christmas?

did we prepare our hearts? did we truly celebrate the birth of our Christ just two days ago? did we rest in his peace this christmas? its worth thinking about.

i found myself sooo lost in a few things this christmas that blinded me from enjoying the true bliss of the day. for those of you who aren't familiar with my family...here is a little info so you can see where i am coming from. i am the youngest, i have two older sisters. Jana is happily married to Brent ( loves you bro!) and Jill is engaged to Todd, getting married this coming July. then there is happy lil ame...chillin. i guess my heart was really broken this christmas because i felt so out of place. christmas eve is spent with the immediate fam, but this year it was jana and brent's turn to go to his side. so it was me, mom and dad, and jill and todd at our place. wow, that was sad. where the heck is jana?? it just felt strange. and of course jill and todd are just lovey dovey birds who are twitterpated (this word is in the movie Bambi...figure it out haha) because todd was in iraq for years so they have some time to make up for. and my parents are always doing their own thing. then i just kinda sat there...trying to smile and just get through the night. feeling like the odd one out. then christmas day came and we headed to my aunts. that day it was opposite, jill and todd went to his side and jana and brent came with us. so once again, i just felt pretty much alone. for those of you who are in this position totally KNOW what this feels like (haylee...yeah does this sound familiar??). being the youngest totally has had its perks but recently it has been hard. watching my sisters start a life with someone they love and having each other to spend the holiday with. and im just chillin. so i found my heart hurting and i was honestly filled with a lot of jealousy towards them and their holiday love with their other halves.

another thing that was very difficult for me was the christmas eve church service. oh my, this was the hugest dilemma ever! so my fam always used to go to Salam Lutheran in Stillwater MN our entire lives! every christmas eve service has been there, the whole candle lit/silent night theme. its pretty nice. however, with some huge changes in my faith these past two years, i dont consider salem a home church anymore. both my sisters have kind of left that church too and go to some others when they can. i talked to my mom early christmas eve day about going to a church that could kind of meet in the middle of our faiths. something that could meet both the needs of my parents and myself. it was really important to me because my faith has become very strong and i was interested in seeking out a service that could give a different message of christmas rather then just hearing the story read right out of the bible like at salem. well let me say, that conversation did not go well. my mom got really frustrated and told me to get over it and just go to salem because its what we've always done. i got upset and tried to explain to her that it would be nice if she considered how it would feel to be me-that it matters to me to try something different this year. we actually ended up going to Shepard of the Valley...its like a contemporary lutheran church that instills the lutheran beliefs and traditions but have spiced up the worship and made the setting more contemporary. so it was kind of in the middle. thanks mom =) so we got there and took a seat in the back feeling a bit odd because we didnt know a soul. i sat by my dad....bad idea....as he was looking over the printed program he leaned over to me and said in my ear "so you know...if anyone starts to raise their hands and dance or get really into the songs when they are singing and you feel uncomfortable...you can leave" (in the most sarcastic tone ever)......then he smirked and laughed a evil little chuckle and went back to reading the program. if you dont understand what he meant....let me explain....that was my dad trying his hardest to insult my faith and look down upon me for the way i enjoy worshiping. and then LAUGHED! he made an absolutely inappropriate sarcastic comment to cut me so deep. my dad is a very old fashioned and traditional and anything else seems just ridiculous to him. my dad...my father...my protector...my everything...said that to me. insulting my faith? tears welled up in my eyes and for a few seconds i just felt so ashamed and wanted to walk out. i just started praying that God will allow me to forgive him and focus on the message. they played "Here I am to Worship" and i was so thankful, i got my mind right and hid my tears and moved on. I am a strong believer in worshipping however you want, do what makes you feel closest to God! whether that is with hymns and an organ or contemporary music with a band, whether its by yourself or with a large community, whether its praying or singing, or whatever! worship however. and i've told my dad so many times that he needs to accept the way i do things and respect my ways to worship yet time and time again, he makes comments that seriously rip my heart to pieces.

may i remind you with this verse...Psalm 150 "Praise the LORD! Praise God in His sanctuary; Praise Him in His mighty expanse. Praise Him for His mighty deeds; Praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Praise Him with trumpet sound; Praise Him with harp and lyre. Praise Him with timbrel and dancing; Praise Him with stringed instruments and pipe. Praise Him with loud cymbals; Praise Him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD!" AHHHH ISN'T THIS AWESOME?!?! God deserves our praise, and He wants it in every way, and any way! people dance for him! its just so beautiful =) so maybe i should show this to my dad. however, he is stubborn and would just turn his cheek the other way.

christmas was not feeling so great. lack of family, lack of a relationship, lack of a supportive father. i was so fed up. God is gracious and full of beauty and provided me with a phenomenal message at church. it was all about finding PEACE on christmas and how it was commanded to us to rest in his peace. it is stated "Hark! the herald angels sing, 'Glory to the newborn King; Peace on earth, and mercy mild'...." and if any of you know me well, you know i am crazy about Peace...i love to wear it and i am obsessed with peace jewelery and i love the message peace delivers. i am a very anxious person that gets stressed about everything!! so understanding God's peace and being able to rest in it is just picture-perfect for me =) this was my first christmas where i grasped the idea of letting everything go and just basking in his awesome peace. it was lovely! i sat back, i enjoyed being the black sheep of the family, and let my dad make comments all frickin day if he wanted to. christmas ended up being super relaxing! i stepped into this new way of living, being content with my current situation and being at peace. i realized im good with being the odd one out...im in no way ready for marriage and ive got some fun challenging things coming up that involves me being independent (hopefully studying abroad!!!) . im on my way to greatness, heck yeah!

I am so sorry this was the largest, most jam packed post!!! i am at work super bored with a lot on my mind. just love to share =) i hope everyone else had a fantastic christmas and is excited for the NEW YEAR!!! make any good new years resolutions?? i should run more.

ill leave you with the song of the day "another heart calls" by the all-american rejects. i used to be crazy about them back in sophomore year in hs and now they have a new cd and im crazy all over again!

peace

Bathing In Money Again...

2008-12-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

i have completely lost the countdown...lets see here. let me check my phone. it is the 17th, so we have around 7 days until christmas!!! about a week! and i still have not purchased one gift, or made any! i have so much work to do. not even funny. it really sucks when you wait until the last minute to do christmas shopping because then you are soo frantic and antsy about getting it done that it looses the specialness and excitement of picking out specific things for loved ones. well hopefully ill get a whole day to get everything done and also have the time to make everything special for the fam!

interesting fact of the day...i have been 20 for exactly one month. boring month it has been.

welllllll i am back at work for the month! woot woot! a whole glorious month off from the late nights of studying, the long afternoons in the library writing 10 page papers, and being secluded in a box size room with someone else every day and night (i love you stephanie lindert!! no hate, just love haha) AND getting away from eating food that tastes like it was a powder and then someone added water and it turned into some kind of strange foreign something that they feed us!! so gross. my stomach is turning just thinking about floppy turkey, and generic peanut butter and jelly, and bubbling hot dishes, and tasteless dry desserts. HOME COOKED FOOD IS THE BEST!! thank you mother for chicken breats, mashed potatoes, and corn! =) but on the bla side of things....like i said....im back at work. back to being a dressed up teller working the drive through with by best buddies. i work with two amazing tellers, Gwen who is 60, and Sue who is like 50. LOVE THEM. if any of you have worked with people who are much older, you have to agree that it is so much fun. they are so silly and cute, and WISE!! there is no talking bad about each other and no weird love triangles. there is for the most part, NO GOSSIPING at work. how is that even possible?? every job ive ever had has been consumed with talking smack about everyone! so annoying. working with people my own age is good, but id choose these ladies over my age group any day!

but now that i am back at work. i am trying to remember everything i learned over the summer. idk if people realize that working at a bank is so hard! i worked at associated for a total of 4 months and i still dont know how to answer the stupid phone....yes im being serious lol and learning how to get people into their safe deposit boxes is like learning french to me. IMPOSSIBLE! so im back, and ive worked 3 days so far and its allll coming back to me =) they threw me upstairs in the lobby for a day which terribly sucked because you get all the huge transactions up there. people come in with business deposists that can be up to 10 thousand dollars....that i....have to....count....by.....hand!!! the machine that counts money doesnt do a good job so i have to do it all on my own. so thennnnnn after doing their deposits, i am stuck with 10 thousand dollars to sort out, when my drawer is only supposed to have 5 thousand in it! before i know it, there are honestly piles of money around me that i am trying to bundle and put away lol no joke straight up bathing in money. being a teller is way fun, come join the team!

im so happy to be back, back at home, back at work. *sigh* its all gravy here. work all day, then home at night. chillin. reading. hanging out with people. relaxing. its about frickin time. this past semester took forever! but good news, good news everyone! 4 out of my 5 classes posted final grades yesterday and i have three B's, and one A!! rock the freak on. so stoked. i guess slaving away at hw paid off.

well it is slow at work, im going to go back to munching on pretzels and reading the book Captivating. I highly recommend this book for women!! ive only read two chapters so far but i have a much greater understanding of being a woman and how i bear the image of God. its sweet. i also recommend men to read this to better understand women. seriously guys...do it. for us =)

anyone want to get a huge group of people together to go sledding or go to the holidazzle parade??? let me know. how fun would that be!

Happy early Birthday Christohper Knox!! i hope 20 is rockin. no more teen years.

song of the day..."breaking"-anberlin...it has no meaning to anything. just really good stuff. anberling is amazing. give em a chance =)

peace

Thanks Britney

2008-12-09T09:58:00.000-08:00

16 days until Christmas!! woohoo!

and 2-3 days left of being at school, then break!!

i am a little shocked realizing that this semester is over. its so weird because looking back at last year, i vividly remember so much growth and so many wonderful things happening first semester. God blessed me with an incredible friendship...the friendship of the lovely kendal leigh wigdal. my soul sister. i never got so close to someone in such a short amount of time. its like i was searching for her all my life and when we met, it just fit. haha it sounds like im talking about a guy. no no no, kendal is better than silly boys. they come and go, but she has been there.

not that anyone probably cares, but this is my little story of last year. take a trip down memory lane with me =) so yes i met kendal and we were inseparable. kendal went through some of the hardest things first semester, and we cried a whole lot together. many movie nights alone in her room just talking, and praying, and crying. we enjoyed having many "freakin festivals" after mass communication on wednesdays. haha, so much fun! we had all these plans, and hopes of where us two would go together. and that no matter what, we had each other to get through the lameness of school. things took a huge turn for the worst and kendal couldn't come back for second semester. she moved far far far away to milwaukee (stephanie helped me spell that hahahaha) in the middle of no where! i still remember coming back second semester and i opened my door to my single room and looked around and just felt sick and starting sobbing knowing that she was gone and i had to face everything on my own. blaaaa, so that was tough tough tough. haha i remember saying bye to her (she came back for a few days to get her stuff and move out of nona)...i got onto the shuttle bus to go back to west campus where i was living last year, and i looked out the window and waved as she stood there on the curb crying. like really....is there a camera somewhere???? are we in a movie??? i wish. i wish it was a movie so it all wasn't real and the tears were fake. BUT it was fo sho real. and one of the hardest things ever. kendal is living in la crosse now and life is good for her, and i thank God for that. she has gone through more than i can imagine. she is a frickin awesome teller at associated bank and rocks the heck out of it. =) we are 30min apart but it feels like states away. i dont get to see her beautiful face much but somehow i survive without her. I MISS YOU KENDAL!

2nd semester started and wow was that not fun. i tried majoring in marketing and my classes such as accounting, macroeconomics, and pre-calc were just not that fabulous. lol i had no idea what was going on at all in any of those classes. i sat there with squinty eyes and would just stare at my professor wanting so badly to understand what the heck they were talking about. so weeks went on and i got used to not knowing what in the world was happening in any of my classes. on the bright side God blessed me with a lovely new friendship with the darling sarah galbrecht!! she was my neighbor and just the darn cutest thing ever. happiest, most encouraging thing ever. ahh i miss you sarah g! she fell a lot. ha. and we both talked about how psycho we are. good times =) sarah continued her college career at the very large and scary University of Minnesota in the cities. im so proud of her....shes going to graduate early! but i miss her so much...coming to my door and saying with her sweet voice "shlamey...can i come in". aww i miss you bff neighbor!

two amazing girls....now gone. it sucks so much and i miss them more than words could express here on my blog. for how hard things have been lately, i think about them a lot...wishing they were here so i could lay my head on their shoulder and just cry. doesnt this all just really suck guys? people always leave. and that is how life will be from here on. every semester, every school year, every summer...people come in your life and then the next day they are gone. its like one minute you're laughing with someone you call your best friend and you dont want the time to stop because you're so happy...then all of a sudden they are out of your life and you can't remember the last time you heard their voice on the phone. im wondering if this is something we will all get used to? i honestly dont know how i can get used to it. why am i so sensitive??? geez, why cant i be a dude?? they seem to be just like whatever to most things. im so sick of losing people. why is it that the people we want to hold onto the most are the ones that walk away? weird how that works huh. BUT, im guessing this is life right? gotta get used to the never-ending changes of relationships and people disappearing. the ones who love me enough will never disappear...i know that. we all have those bff's (lol i really just said that, best friends forever....frick yeah) in our lives and they never leave. love you all my beefs!!! haha

so the title of my blog is "thanks Britney" because i was really thinking about the word strength and whether or not i have a lot of it. people say i am a lot stronger than i think so thats awesome. Britney Spears is someone we all know, dont lie people!!! ITS BRITNEY SPEARS!! im not a fan at all but her lyircs popped into my head "and now im stronger than yesterday" and as lame as i think all her music is and just who she portrays herself as...those lyrics brought truth to me. if you're going through the crappiest of all crapness, know that you're more than likely stronger than you were yesterday. losing friends and loved ones is tough, ive experienced it all. but im stronger than i was yesterday and that rocks. it helps me see that like a month from now, ill be uber strong! yeaaaaah....sweet =) so thanks for your lil diddy Britney. it helped.

song of the day "tired and uninspired" by My American Heart

quote from the song to relate to my strength topic...."be strong for me and ill be strong for you" love that!!! this song is one of my favs, enjoy!

peace

God Feels

2008-12-06T10:32:00.000-08:00

the countdown continues! 19 days until christmas!! people, we are getting close!! i cannot believe that i don't have any gifts yet and there is 19 days left, oh my. i need to get on that pronto! as soon as finals are done on thursday, i will be heading home and then heading to the stores.

I really do wish christmas was on my mind more and that i was focusing on the upcoming holiday. instead, my mind has been swamped with other things. i want so badly to be thinking about christmas cookies, and the holidazzle (sp??), playing in the snow, sipping coffee by the fireside with a Jodi Picoult book, listening to christmas carols!! but NO, this whole last week there has been a dark cloud over me and my heart. no one wants to be the depressed one around christmas time so i decided to slap a smile on and just deal. its pretty awesome to know that God doesn't want me to suffer alone and he had people left and right asking me if i was okay or needed to talk. i thought i was hiding it all so well, haha i guess not!

I guess i am sharing all of this with you guys because i want to be able to help anyone else who could be suffering. God has really taught me to be vulnerable like his son was when he died on the cross for all our sins. in my whole life, i have never understood suffering and as christians why were endure such intense hardships that can be so painful sometimes. i learned that we have to share in our savior's sufferings to share in his glory. THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!! ahh im just so happy that that was revealed to me. i hope it makes sense to all of you too =)

when this semester started is when my suffering started as well. this semester has been rooouugghhh! i wanted to seek wisdom and guidance and understand as much as possible so i of course got into his word right away. can i just really encourage you guys to get into his word if you are lost or hurting. there are answers in there, i promise. to be dead honest, i never really read the bible my whole life until this semester and now i can't get enough. once you start, you become hooked because he will make any passage you read relate to your current problems. He really is just that powerful. rock the freak on. on the side, i wanted to read some books for inspiration and specific guidance in certain areas of my life that really frustrated me.

book #1....Sex God by Rob Bell, which is about exploring the endless connections between sexuality and spirituality. it really helps us understand relationships, and emotions under Gods light. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING BOOK. i highly recommend this to anyone! if any of you have seen the Nooma videos of Rob Bell on youtube.com, you are in for such a treat if you read his book.

book #2....I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, which is a book about desiring relationships that honor God. in a sense, it isn't even about dating-its about living for God. The book throws the worlds idea of dating out the window and sets up new standards for christians and how we should pursue relationships. again, AMAZING BOOK!! if you're sick of heartbreak and want to understand how God created relationships to be, read read read this book!!

anyways, i read the chapter "she ran into the girls bathroom" in the Sex God book early this morning. i want to share what i read and how encouraged i am!!

if any of you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God Feels

if any of you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God Feels

if any of you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God Feels

The cross is God's way of saying, "I know what it's like"

the cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, "Here, you take them"

our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. when we dont avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. when we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker.

and in this connection, there's always the chance we'll find a reason to risk again. if God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

perhaps you have had your heart broken by somebody. you risked and extended and offered yourself, and they rejected and turned away and didnt return your love.

theres something divine in your suffering. somebody divine in your pain. you know how God Feels.

why is it those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most? our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers. they probably come from an ex-boyfriend, a former friend, a roommate, a sister...ect

the danger is that you will decide it isnt worth it. why risk if its going to hurt like this? the tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

a decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. they go together.

in matters of love, its as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything-thats what makes God, God. but God cant do everything. God cant make us love him-thats our choice.

Love is risky for God too.

wow well this is the longest blog in the history of blogs! but i wanted to share a piece of the book Sex God with all of you wonderful people. i have really been seeing heartbreak around me and many young adults, girls and guys, are hurting because of broken hearts. let us be reminded that there is hope and that our wonderful Father, God, empathizes with our pain and knows how scary it is to risk, and love again. you can always love again! you can =) i really hope this touched some hurting hearts because i know reading this gave me such encouragement. healing feels goooooood!

peace

song of the day-"decode" by paramore.......it was on the movie twilight!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Alllll The Way!

2008-11-30T20:32:00.000-08:00

25 days until christmas!

hey guys, how many days until christmas??? 25!!! heehee. that is most definitely written on my white board on my dorm door, and it will be a countdown until the day of christmas, heck yes! I think this is the first year the weather worked out with holidays...for example...halloween night was absolutely gorgeous (even though i dont really participate in halloween, i was happy for all the girls here who got to wear absolutely nothing and not be freezin their booties off...so yay for them i guess lol) um the season of autumn was beautiful!!! the leaves stayed on the trees forever and didnt get blown away by the beastly winds, and most of the days were warm and i got to walk around the lakes here in "nona" A LOT! theennnn thanks giving rolled around not too long ago which rocked. can i just say that i love my two cousins sam and alex, sam is 15 and alex is 13. we played apples to apples and mad gab for hours!! unfortunately the food was not that great (yeah my mom made it, idk what happened lol, dont tell her!! usually she makes bomb food but it just didnt have that thanksgiving flavor and pizzaz!) AND there were no rolls!!!! i was sooo confused!! there was cinnamon bread but no homemade rolls or buns for later in the afternoon when you want to make lil sandwiches with the turkey and gravy. i was sad. i didnt even have leftovers the following day........not right, not right at all. ANYWAYS, the weather is what i was talking about. but the weather on thanksgiving was perfect too!! i hate when there is snow on the ground for thanksgiving, it feels too christmasyish (whaa? haha) it was perfect play football outside weather. just lovely =) the day after thanksgiving, a thought popped into my head "man it would be sweet if we got a big snowfall in the next couple of days to get us in the christmas mood faster!!" i wake up today to fresh snow! woohooo! it didnt snow a whole lot in hudson but i got back to winona today at about 4 and it was a winter wonderland!! all the trees are frosted and there is fresh white sparkly snow everywhere! i am pumed! God has blessed us with fantastic weather the past few months! love Him!

so with the new snow fall and a lot of excitement for 25 days from now, i am dedicating all my music listening to christmas music! well and some worship music because i cant get enough =) and if i get some time outside of hw and finals and crap, im going to watch christmas movies whenever i can (they have one every night on TV for the 25 days to christmas countdown, maybe ABC family??...idk check it out) ive already accomplished watching elf twice, polar express, and part of santa clause 2! and when i get home for break, oh my...cookies and cookies and more cookies will be made! anyone want to join??

im hoping to get creative this year and make gifts for all my beloved friends and rockin family. mostly because i want to do something different this year AND because i am broke as a joke. so we'll see how that goes. anyone got ideas for me??? if anyone knows me, i am not creative lol i am anti-scrapbooking to the max! anti-anything creative! not my skill. nope. so some suggestions would be lovely.

oh and id like to make a shout out to my sister Jana Kodesh who is the craziest christmas lady ever. she asked me what i wanted in like october and started decorating her place on november second....HAHA crazy! and i swear her and her hubby went ice skating like when there was only dirt, leaves, and mud on the ground...just to get into the christmas spirit? wow. gotta love em!

school is done in 2 weeks.....then christmas break! woot woot! enjoy the snow guys, get out there and throw some snowballs!

song of the day "God of this city"-Chris Tomlin

Peace

Jeremiah 29:11...Cliche Huh?

2008-11-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

oh jeremiah 29:11...it seems that whenever us college kids are struggling with the annoying thought of what the heck we are going to do with our future, someone suggests jeremiah 29:11 to ease our frustration.

the verse is "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

ohhhhh my goodness does this verse bring me comfort! it is sorta unfortunate that this verse has become so cliche and everyone slaps this on your card for graduation. i remember glancing at that verse like over 15 times and being like "yeah, sweet, God has got a plan" but then searching to see how much aunt laurie or neighbor dave put down for the check amount. as sad as this is, you (everyone who has graduated high school) KNOW its true. all graduating kids want is money...which will probably unfortunately go to a late night feast at herbs and gerbs or a parking ticket or a new lanyard sporting their university. haha, we waste money on such stupid things!

anyways! so this awesome verse...seriously can i just say how incredibly comforting this is!! God is straight up saying..."hey so i have your whole life planned out and even better, the way i have it all planned out will rock your world and you will love it and it will bring you everything you need, and i promise that my plan wont hurt you or disappoint you like everything else in this world. and this plan i have should give you hope, this plan sets your future up. this plan will honor me and give you a future. this plan is designed for YOU, no one else. i hand made this plan perfectly to fit you and your talents and desires and it will be GREAT!"

i am so excited to see how God uses me. i want soo badly to know this whole plan he has for me and my life. if you know me well enough, i really am a chill person in the moment of things and can be spontaneous BUT i really like to know the future. i am terrified of the unknown. i always want to make sure i am safe and happy. i want to avoid difficult situations. i like to have this picture-perfect plan in my head of what my perfect future will be like. and up until this semester, i always had some sort of plan to rely on to keep me going. God took that all away this semester and left me with a blank slate for what would happen next. AHHHHHHHH!! well i had a melt down...or maybe two...or three lol. it hasn't been fun but oh my has it been eye opening!

let me be clear for a sec though...i try to keep these blogs pretty light hearted and silly but God really put this on my mind tonight and so i thought id share =)

so no plan. no plan. absolutely no plan! what the heck am i supposed to look forward to God??? then i tried to focus on just putting all my energy into plans for school, plans for my major, my education, my friends, a place next year, and just completely focusing on planning on getting comfortable in lil winona. could i say the word plan more? PLAN! ah so obnoxious! God was like oh no you dont little missy, stop making plans! so a huge plan for next year (living situation, people that id be living with) completely fell through. i was broken. so broken. once again, God took my attempted plan and threw it out the window. i started to get the hint and made a commitment to him to just surrender everything and let him do what he wants with my life. HOW REFRESHING!! a burden was definitely lifted and everything has been so much better since. it took me years to understand that this life i have...it is not mine to live. He gave me life and i am living it for him. it is not my life!! that may sound like im not free, but i am. =)

anyways, the one thing that is still really sticking with me is that fact that God is really showing me that he wants me somewhere else. winona is amazing but i dont feel like i belong here. its like i feel him pulling me somewhere else to serve him but i cant figure out where. as scary as it is, idk if school is what i should be doing either. i have no idea where my life is going, but for once i trust God and that my friends, feels great! the big question is whether i leave at semester or after this school year? that is my struggle...i thought id share to maybe get some feedback and if you are all so kind-some prayers! i feel as though fulfilling my purpose is elsewhere and i need to figure this out asap!

thanks for reading such a long blog...seriously this will not happen often. i got a journal to write this stuff in lol but it would be nice to get some support in such a life changing decision.

thanksgiving break starts in less 48 hours! can i get a woot woot!

song of the day "beautiful"-phil wickham

peace

Frickin Frick

2008-11-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

today is one of those days where i dreaded it ever coming! stupid registration day!!!! i tossed and turned alllllll night, making myself sick just thinking about 2pm. 2pm. 2pm. how the heck did i get my registration window open at 2pm??? that is so late in the day. i had it all planned out, i would go to class from 9-12 and then just sit there and literally stare at my computer, stare at my desired schedule and hope for the best.

noon comes, i grabbed some food in the caf (yeah apparently its weird that we call it the caf here and not the cafeteria...someone who doesnt go to winona was honestly really weirded out and was grossed out because it sounds like a baby cow...wow dude get over it) and me and some friends headed back to my room. i seriously had like 3 friends there for me just for support. ha im lame. then we sit outside my room in the lounge and prepare to watch my classes disappear before my eyes! new groups of people register every half an hour so therefore i literally had to watch my classes just disappear for a whole hour before i registered.

130 comes around and my luck, random friends happen to stop by and out of no where there are like 15 people surrounding me! eating cupcakes, throwing balls or something, tackling each other....WHAT THE CRAP PEOPLE?!?! more than ever, i need peace and quiet and concentration and just to focus!! that would happen to me. seriously whenever i just want to be alone, or with a few people for something like really important, CROWDS show up and they do not leave!

anyways, i was trying to register for 5 classes so that i would have 15 credits...yada yada. with my major here, there are certain classes that i need to take! they only offer one class, one time, once a semester. are we in high school? yes, i guess so here at winona. lame. i always had these images of college in my head where there were 100's of classes and you got whatever you wanted....tralala happy place! not at all what i pictured. its like war here, everyone goes through depression of registration week. its really that miserable. so yes finally the rowdy crowd of randoms leave me alone and i frantically put together my like 4th schedule because all my first pick classes were gone. 1:55!!! it turned 1:55!!! everything was set, i was okay with the silly schedule i put together and just wanted to click the "register" button and get it over with!!

then crowd of randoms come charging back and one of the dudes starts to "choke" me!!!! GET OFF DUDE!!! do you not see i am trying to register here???? everyone fights him off me because they know the intense moment i am going through. then it turns into like a rant for me to register! everyone was screaming and yelling and all excited for the clock to turn 2. so i have around 5 people behind me cheering me on! haha, God is good...He sent me some encouragement. 1:59.....2!!!!!!!!!! i hit "register" and my computer freezes!!!! then after unfreezing, it says that all my classes have failed to register!! AHHHH! i was about to have a melt down, for real. i go back to my lil cart and reregister my classes again. doesnt work. i go back to the cart again, IT WORKED IT WORKED! so for about a good 7 minutes, i wanted to just like rip my hair out. one of those moments where your face turns bright read and you're all hot and angry and kind of want to cry. maybe even throw your computer at the wall. it was miserable!

after everything, i am okay with my spring semester. taking conflict and communication, physics-engery, professional communication skills, chemistry appreciation, and approaches to film. so i have a variety, i still might change it up. i never thought id be soo happy to NOT be a freshman. most of them have to wait until friday to register, sucky. oh the joys of being a saucy sophomore =) joy joy joy! so there was my day...well more like...there was my like 1 hour of hell! oh my goodness! hopefully everything will work out just fine.

i will leave you with a thought provoking question...

Can you describe your life with a six word sentence?

I would say mine for right now would be "I am seeking, I am finding"

ask me to know more if you would like....

peace

Am I Good At Writing?

2008-11-16T12:43:00.000-08:00

ha, so my parents tell me i am good at writing. i highly doubt that. i find it to be easy to put something together at the last minute and add a lot of emotion to it and maybe even add some jazzy words and smooth transitions but it could never go anywhere.

anyways, so i have heard of blogging and all i have ever thought is WEIRD! haha! but then as i was facebook stalking on day (we all do it, come on now) i saw that a friend had a blog and i was interested so i checked it out and was really inspired that he found something he could just express his thoughts through. he obviously doesnt care if people really read it or get something out of it, or whatever! its something he can do for himself and if people want to read it, then sweet. so thanks for the idea friend (you know who you are) ive been looking for something like this for some time now. im excited to see what comes from blogging. haha i am a blogger!

so i am not going to waste time on using commas, or good grammar, or worrying about all the little stuff that my advanced expository writing professor would pick apart, but rather i am just going to pour my thoughts out on here for me. so its not about being a good writer, or trying to impress the small crowd out there with my thoughts related to this spiritual journey i am on, its just about expressing anything and everything! i absolutely love music and could only dream of expressing my feelings, ideas, and thoughts through lyrics along with a song on a guitar BUT until i learn how to play something or sing-i am stuck with a computer and my fingertips pouring out my thoughts. yay.

annnd lastly, my blog is called "myblackheels" because one thing about girls that is true, we love shoes! well most girls. whenever i find a pair of shoes that fit perfectly, don't cost a lot, and are absolutely gorgeous-i feel great!!! haha, i love a good pair of black heels, they go with anything! so when i get a new beautiful pair, i feel a lil happy inside, just how i am hoping to feel after blogging my thoughts that get sooo jumbled around in my head. im hoping that after i jot down a few paragraphs-ill feel that lil bit of happiness. some clarity. some relief. maybe a new outlook? who knows! so this blog is "myblackheels"-my happy place =)

Peace